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-   -   New feelings and unsure what they mean... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9127)

polyluv 04-24-2011 01:12 AM

New feelings and unsure what they mean...
 
So... It's been a while since I was last on here and would like to send a special thanks to redpepper. And I'm still working on that whole situation. : ) patience, right?
Ok so here are some new developments...in my primary rationship I was the one to bring up poly because of my need to fill a void that has to do with me being bi. Now my boyfriend/fiancÚ/partner, not sure how to phrase that, has been kinda shopping around for women... Now I always thought that the whole poly thing was just going to be on my end and so I am desperately trying not to be the jealous hippocrite. But he says that he just has a need to have sex...not really have a whole separate relationship, with another woman. Like I said before, we talk about everything. Now I'm stuck with the feeling that he's tying to replace me... And I know that if he was bi and looking for a guy, I'd feel different. When we talked about it he said that he wanted to because I was able to date women and why couldn't he...and then I said that if he wanted to date women then I should be able to date guys too. Then he said he didn't want me to. My goal has always been to try and find a unicorn. But I think all he wants to do is mess around with permission. Now he doesn't want to do that because I would be dating guys... Now, not that I'm looking for a guy but if I did find one he wouldn't be happy about it...but now I feel like I'm stopping him from being a swinger...if in fact that is what he wants. How can the green eyed monster arise when I am dating?
I know... Childish right? Scattered... I know.... Let me know ur thoughts on all this and if u don't really understand all of it, questions are welcome. :)
Now writing this, it all seems very childish. But relationships grow and change...but are they supposed to change with every conversation?

redpepper 04-24-2011 06:40 AM

Sounds a tad hypocritical on his part no? He can do whatever and you can't? Does he want a one penis policy? What's good for the goose is good for the gander as they say... he might have to look at what he is doing here and face his jealousy.

BlackUnicorn 04-24-2011 05:05 PM

Woe to us poor bisexuals who come to poly thinking that it is the end solution to all our life/relationship problems, only to find it does nothing but complicate them!

One of the most common triggers for jealousy from what I've read is the fear of being replaced. Another very common one is the related fear of not being enough, good/smart/hot/passionate/feminine/masculine/whatever enough for our partner. If you look at it rationally, you are not a generic female who fills the place for a female archetype, 'The Girlfriend', in your bf's life. He is with you because you are the person you are, not because you are female. The same goes for your bisexuality. You don't want to be with ANY man, you want to be with him.

I'm not saying you need to adopt the 'Love the person, not the gender' approach to bi/pansexuality. I care very much for the gender identification of my partners. However, to me, the thought that there would be one place for a Generic Manly Man and another place for the Generic Girly Girl in my romantic life is pretty absurd. That is also why I don't get one-penis-policies. Connections happen with people, and just because you have one of each gender doesn't mean you can't connect with anyone else or only with someone of the other gender tag because somehow magically the 'slots' in your emotional life have been filled.

Your boyfriend sounds like someone who isn't interested in poly but in some other form of non-monogamy, but you can't really escape from having to gain some basic jealousy management skills either way. I warmly recommend getting at the root of this jealousy problem before anyone adds any more partners of either gender.

nycindie 04-24-2011 05:28 PM

Obviously, you both have strong ideas about what you would be comfortable with. Both of you are having pangs of jealousy. I think you need to sit down and really hash it out, get down deep and discuss your feelings - and ask WHY his being with another woman feels threatening to you. And ask WHY he doesn't want you with another man. Jealousy usually covers over other, more raw feelings. Looks like you two need to get it all out in the open and come to an agreement in which all the bases are covered, before moving forward.


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