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-   -   Feeling Frustrated and Unloved (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9124)

ndfanann 04-23-2011 09:52 PM

Feeling Frustrated and Unloved
Please help I am new to polyamory. Here's how it started... my wife, Trina, cheated on me with another woman. Trina kept going back and forth between the two of us because for some reason no one could walk away from eachother. This went on for a year. Finally the 3 of us sat down and had a very long discussion of the three of us living together so Trina could be with the two of us and also there would be no reason for her to lie to us anymore. We each have our own space so we have privacy and we also have the main living area and the common area or safe area as we call it. We have been living together for about 4 months now. We all get along great. My main thing is that we made certain rules and schedules so that time between the two of us was fair so to speak. I was not happy with one decision and voiced that when the decision was made but it did not chance the outcome. We have equal time with Trina but the over nights are not equal at all. She has every night of the week with the exception of 2 nights. For one I was with her first and it makes me feel like I don't have an equal standing in this relationship. Having overnights is very important to me but Trina just keeps saying that she is happy with the way that it is. I feel like she just loves the other girlfriend more and doesn't care about my feelings. I am soo frustrated and it really hurts that it can't be discussed again to make possible changes. Has anyone been through anything like this?? Does anyone have any advice??

ndfanann 04-23-2011 10:00 PM

Trina is always telling us that she loves us both equally but sometimes loves one more than the other and at this time she loves the other more than me. We had a wedding ceromony, we have a 5 month old baby together (too long of stroy for here). We are a family and sometimes I think that's the only reason I'm here. I want more than that. I want to feel like I have an equal part in this relationship. And when Trina tells me that she don't even want to talk about me having at least one more night really hurts my feelings and makes me feel like she really doesn't love me at all.
I feel like my life is a tornado and I have no clue where it's going.

mettwo 04-23-2011 10:24 PM

My heart goes out to you. Every partner in a relationship deserves to be heard and have their needs met. From what you've just said, she seems to be blowing off your needs. I'm new to this too, just wanted to offer my sympathy. I'll leave the advice to the people who know what they're talking about.

ndfanann 04-23-2011 10:27 PM

Thanks for your support

redpepper 04-24-2011 06:12 AM

I can see why you would feel left out. It does seem to be unbalanced.

Just because you were there first doesn't mean that you should be primary however. To me, having a child with someone automatically makes them primary in terms of responsibility to up hold connections for the child, but not of hierarchy. I wouldn't try and use that as leverage here as it likely will fall on deaf ears and might be more of an irritant than anything else.

I would wonder how you have been addressing your needs. Have you all been sitting down to discuss how to create a balance? Is there a compromise this early in the living situation that is not worked out yet? Its only been four months. For me in my living situation, it is 7 months. It has taken time. For us though there was no cheating and no babies involved. Cheating situations might take longer in terms of gaining trust again... perhaps this all happened too early. I'm not sure I understand why this woman had to move in, could she not of dated your partner and lived elsewhere? As for babies, they are a lot of work and I'm not sure any of you would have the adequate amount of time to spend on the communication necessary to make living together work.

It could be that your relationship with you partner is over. Maybe you could check in with your gut on this and even ask her if she thinks so. It sounds like she is stringing you along to me.

BlackUnicorn 04-24-2011 04:47 PM

Agree with Redpepper
Oh so sorry, immediately read that the you are male! So this obviously isn't a case of late-blooming lesbianism as I initially thought.

When you say you had a 'wedding ceremony', does it imply that you are not legally married in your state? If this is so, I would take a good hard look at what are your parental legal rights in what comes to your baby girl (is Trina the bio-mum or which way round?). Even if the romantic/sexual relationship with Trina is over for the time being, you might want to consider sticking around to co-parent your child and looking into your romantic options elsewhere.

ndfanann 04-24-2011 05:53 PM

No we are not legally married in our state. We are in the process of going through a second parent adoption. I carry insurance for our son and he already has my last name. Trina is the bio-mum. The romantic/sexual relationship is not over at all between Trina and I. The situation is that the other gf works day shift and I work evenings. So our time with Trina is separate. The other gf gets evenings and I get mornings and early afternoons. Trina is a stay at home mom which everyone prefers. We both have the same days off so on our days off we all spend time together in a non sexual manner. We have had a threesome before but only once. We also all agreed that we will not have any one on one intimacy with Trina while the other is home. I just believe that I should have at least one more night that Trina sleeps in our bed.

BlackUnicorn 04-24-2011 06:07 PM

Good to hear!

Hmm, I take it that those two nights are the nights when you don't have to work. So this other woman has two days when she doesn't have to work? Is she spending those with Trina?

ndfanann 04-24-2011 06:17 PM

No since the other gf and I have the same days/nights off I have one of those with Trina and she has one of those with Trina. I have one other night during the week.

BlackUnicorn 04-24-2011 06:33 PM

Could there be something silly behind this? Something very practical? Like you keeping Trina up all night with snoring/going to bed late/having weird sleeping habits?

Is it cuddles or sex that you are missing the most?

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