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mzd 10-07-2009 06:39 PM

I need advise
Ok, so I'm very new to the polyamory life. I just found out there was a word for it and have been on the computer for 2 days reading everything I can find. Nothing I have found is close to what is going on in my life. I can't be the only one with this kind of issue. Heres my story. I started massage school last Aug and met a girl. We were just friends until one drunkin Feb night. I have been married for 14 year and have 2 wonderful children 13 and 10. I'm husband caught us and like many men asked if he could join. This is my first bisexual relationship. Things have been going great. She went with us on our family vacation. The kids love her and her spending the night and being around all the time doesn't seem to bother them a bit. They even ask if she coming over. We have never told the kids what kind of relationship it is though. Heres the kicker we now have to explain to the the nature of our relationship and that she is pregnant. My 10yr daughter I think will be fine with it. My son on the other hand I'm not sure how to go about it with him. To make him understand that his dad isn't cheating and to not loose his respect. He is a very differant and complex child not at all like other boys. So you see any advise would help :confused:

LovingRadiance 10-07-2009 07:47 PM

Slow and gentle.

I would start with explaining to him (you and hubby together) that the two of you feel like she is part of your family. That you both love and care for her and feel that she loves and cares for ALL OF YOU as well.

If that goes well then you can easily move forward to talking about how we can choose our own families and use that to lead into the fact that she's having a baby and this child will be part of your family too as his brother/sister.

LovingRadiance 10-07-2009 09:21 PM

I found this article this afternoon. Maybe it will give you some ideas.
It was on www.polyamoryonline.org

"Outing" Yourself As Poly to Your Kids
Contributed by Chias

The single most important thing to remember in this situation is this: If there's something to say, say it. We continuously repeat our own personal mantra over and over in our heads. You know the one I'm talking about. It goes something like communicate, communicate, communicate. When dealing with the adults in our extended family, we continuosly preach communication, but when it comes to our children we tend to be tight lipped and hope they won't notice. Big mistake. Children are growing increasingly intelligent as the generations progress, and now more than ever we need to be leading by example. If we want our children to be open and honest with us, we had better make sure that we return the favor. If you've invited one or more of your partners to join your family, and they're living under the same roof as your children then chances are that the kids have already begun to wonder. Someone once told me that the truth is usually much less evil than anything we can come up with in our head. This can hold true for children as well.

Don't make the mistake that many poly family's make when dealing with their children. Don't wait too long to tell them the truth. How long is too long? If you've got your partners living under the same roof, and you haven't been completely straight forward with your kids, you've waited too long. As I've stated, children are growing increasingly more intuitive as the generations pass and we should never underestimate their intelligence, or their imagination level.

One member of our forums related a story to us regarding coming out to his kids. In reflecting back, he and his family realized they had waited too long. When they finally did sit their family down and explain it to them, their daughter already had seen things that had set her mind in motion. Apparently, she had witnessed a kiss between her mother and the other male living in the house. This type of thing is bound to make any child start to imagine the worst. Is there a separation or divorce coming? Don't my parents love each other anymore? They eventually explained the entire situation to all of their kids, and everything worked out for the best. This might not always be the case.

Despite the steps you take to be discreet in your relationships, at some point in time one of the kids is bound to hear or see something that reveals the truth. Take the time to sit them down and explain the situation to them before this happens. No matter their reaction, you'll at least know that you were honest and open with them.

mzd 10-07-2009 10:16 PM

Thank you, I had no idea how to even start the conversation. That is a really good idea. To start with how we think of her as family.

LovingRadiance 10-07-2009 11:08 PM

You're welcome. We are going to be in the same boat soon too. We have a roommate who HAS been "family" for the last 16 years but now that we're officially a poly family dynamic some details need to be addressed and we haven't decided how we are dealing with that.
Maca is more of a private person-but I know for sure that our kids already know we have an "unusual" relationship and already know that there is a lot more loving in our family then their friend's have in theirs.
I think our kids will take it fine. I KNOW the 18 year old couldn't care less and is ok with it. She'll roll her eyes and say "mom, I don't need details about you all's sex life!". The youngest two (9 and 2 years) don't care and won't care. But the 13 year old is my stepson and he may feel some fear and concern over things.

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