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-   -   Hi...looking for enlightenment (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=906)

Novus 10-06-2009 10:24 PM

Hi...looking for enlightenment
Dear all,
Hi! I have been perusing your forum and found it to be very helpful with my (new) situation. You see, I met a guy, he's fabulous. Before we even really dated he told me he was poly. Not knowing what exactly that meant but knowing that I liked him I did some research and took the plunge anyway. I thought I'd be okay with it and so far, so good. Then he met someone else and although we'd discussed it, and honestly I'd thought about it, it was a little much for my mono-indoctrinated brain to deal with. But being the kind of person who doesn't trash a good thing without research I decided I needed more information. So, I'm here. I found you. I've found your forums very, very helpful as I wrap my brain around this new world I've found myself a part of. I find them friendly and welcoming to those of us seeking enlightenment.
I will have questions, I'm sure, and thank you in advance for any suggestions and guidance you're willing to toss in my direction.

redpepper 10-06-2009 10:57 PM

Glad to have you. You are starting journey that my dear Mono started almost a year ago. Read Mono's stuff,,,, we have both been here a long time and have had quite a journey.... evident in our threads and posts... mostly Mono's.

Good luck, I'm sure if it is meant to be it will be and if not, you will of learned a hell of a lot. Enjoy!

Quath 10-07-2009 12:39 AM

Welcome to the forums. Ask away. Hopefully we can help.

XYZ123 10-07-2009 12:43 AM


HappiestManAlive 10-07-2009 12:55 AM

Welcome. Thank you for having an open mind, no matter what kind of relationships it may be 'wired' for! :)

LovingRadiance 10-07-2009 01:44 AM

Welcome! Happy Reading!

Novus 10-07-2009 02:33 AM

See? And this is why I hooked up with this forum. Thank you very much for your welcomes.
To redpepper - I've already found many of Mono's posts and found them very helpful to answer some of the concerns that I had. "My" guy has been very open to answering any and all questions I've put forth but I think it is always good to get some outside opinions and input (less-biased research). I've already learned a heck of a lot here which has made my decision to approach this whole thing with an open mind much easier. Your posts have also been very helpful for me to understand how he sees the world which is different than I always have.
To HappiestManAlive - thanks, I'm trying. :)
To Quath - I will, thank you for the welcome
To XYZ123 - I'm stealing your quote - it is perfect for the way I already live my life
And to Lovingradiance - your comments to other newbies have been insightful and kind - and are a main reason I am here.
Thank you all, again, for your welcome and support. I'm in the right place. :)

LovingRadiance 10-07-2009 03:38 AM

Thank you Novus.
Today is "one of those days" and it is nice to hear that something I've said has made a difference for someone else. I look forward to getting to know you better on here!

maca 10-07-2009 04:26 AM

Welcome to the board.I know where your at. My wife toldmeon Sept 25 that she was poly.Ive allways thought of my self as monobut Ill tell you what mono poly or just loving, radical honesty and loving communication has changed my life and opened my mind.If you need someone to talk to just send me a message. Good luck:)

Novus 10-07-2009 11:13 PM

Well, since everyone has been so welcoming, may I ask a few questions here to see if I'm forgetting/not considering something?

My situation is thus:

I was doing some online dating and was matched with this guy. We clicked immediately online and e-mailed back and forth for some time before meeting. Our "discussions" ranged widely and it really seemed like a very good match. We graduated to an actual phone call having decided that we needed to meet in person. Before we met in person he told me on the phone that he was poly because our conversations had pushed us pretty far and we were both thinking that when we met in person we were going to click just that much more. He asked me if I knew what that meant and my response was "not really". I think he did a very good job of explaining and I decided that I wanted to meet him anyway. I mean, we hadn't even met yet and my feeling was that even if we were both Mono (I know these terms now ;) ) exclusivity wouldn't likely be on the table anyway. So we met. Oh, yeah...we clicked. Oh...yeah. So things progress much like you would expect and not long ago he very carefully told me that he'd met someone else who he was interested in and would like to spend some time with. He assured me that it had nothing to do with how he felt about me and our relationship but that I needed to know. I had thought about that moment from the first time he told me he was poly. How would I respond? Would I be okay with it? Jealous? Selfish? What? I figured until "that moment" I wouldn't really know and I came down on the side of "okay...let's see what happens". Since then I've had lots of time to think about it and I felt that I needed to give it a lot of serious thought because I didn't want to say "okay" without really thinking it through only to have my devious little brain decide later that it wasn't. That's not fair to him, or me.
So I eventually landed here: he's a truly great guy. Our relationship is one of the happiest and healthiest things I've ever had. My schedule alone is atrocious and precludes us from being together as often as either of us would like. Why would I want someone I truly care for to be lonely when I can't be with him? That seems a little selfish, yes? I figure if I can't be with him then I'd much rather him be with someone (be it another romantic interest or friends) than sitting at home resenting the fact that I can't be with him which likely would end this anyway at some point. Besides, the more happiness and support he has in his life the happier he'll be and I'll just benefit from that, right?
My only concerns were that this new relationship would seriously impact the one that we have already established (and since it's already not enough by default that would be a big, big deal) and two that I ended up being neglected for something "shiny and new". I've been taken for granted frequently in past relationships because I'm just kind of a solid "keeper" and pretty low maintenance.
Some ground rules also seemed in order (and please let me know if I've left something off here). The first and foremost request on my part is that he keep me safe from diseases out there that I don't want. That seemed reasonable. Second, I really don't want details but I do want to know if/when there's someone else. I find that I'm very okay with an amorphous other person but I think for now putting a name and face to her would be a little hard until I'm a little more secure.
Honesty has never been a problem here. He's been very up-front and honest about all of this, even when it might not be in his best interest (like telling me about finding another person BEFORE the evening's events...gotta love that... :) ).
So, I guess this will go where it will go and it, like any other relationship on the planet, will depend on how it is handled by him and by me. As long as he can juggle and make sure that I/we're not neglected then it will most likely end up okay. If not, we'll see where it goes. So far I've been given absolutely no reason to suspect that he doesn't care every bit as stongly for me now as he did before he found this other gal.
So my new friends, confidantes and advisors. What am I not thinking about? What am I missing? Any ground rules I've not thought of that will come back to haunt me?
Thank you in advance.

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