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-   -   End of Relationships... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=903)

nya47 10-06-2009 03:44 AM

End of Relationships...
If you have a relationship fail with one partner, how much do you lean on/talk to your other partners when dealing with the fallout.

Long story short... I am (well, was) the point in a V, with two boyfriends, Adam* and Barry*- until Barry dumped me flat on my ass this weekend. I should have seen in coming, but didn't, and consequently am not doing very well. The kind of bad where my record is 4 hours without crying, and that's when I was sleeping.

Further problem is, me upset like this is pretty much killing Adam, who has a bit of a savior complex and a HUGE "your-happiness-is-my-happiness" complex, and the fact that he can't cheer me up (or be enough for me, I kind of suspect...) is really stressing him -and us- out. While I know I'll get over it, I just *can't* deal with two broken relationships right now...

To make matters worse- Adam and I are currently long distance, and I don't have a lot of friends where I am right now, so the soonest I'll get to talk to *anyone* in person is probably Thursday or Friday. This is not helping my mood.


*Names changed, of course.

MonoVCPHG 10-06-2009 03:49 AM

That is a tuff one. I wasn't the best support when Redpepper ended a intimate friendship. I was so hung up on my own stuff around it that I failed to help her. :( Luckily her husband is a lot stronger than me in these areas.

I hope you find your way quickly

LovingRadiance 10-06-2009 04:55 AM

That is a tough situation. It really depends on the person. For me-definately I need to be able to talk about anything with anyone I am dating. But some people just can't handle hearing things like that.

You know him better than anyone. Maybe it would be better to talk out your feelings on here or somewhere like this instead of pouring it all out on him?

redpepper 10-06-2009 06:43 AM

There is no reason why you can't lean on him a bit, I'm sure that he is sad for you and wants to help. It probably makes him feel closer to you to be able to help. I don't see any reason why you should deny him that.

After it is all done and you feel stronger though I would do something really nice for him and show him how much he means to you and how much you appreciated his shoulder...

I think we need to support and be supported by those we love. Somehow we have lost this in our society. It's like we tell others and ourselves to "get over it" before we are able or should. It has become normal to get over things without proper respect and time to go through the emotions. It's almost like it's normal to not FEEL bad feelings like sadness, jealousy, grief etc....

Grieve away my friend.
You have MY permission.... for what it's worth :rolleyes:

ladyjools 10-09-2009 02:12 AM

i have leaned on Chris for support when relationships have ended and he has leaned on me though not so much as i have needed him
i have no problem supporting him and i think as a couple its important that we can lean on each other when something sad happens, it doesn't mean hes not enough and infact it says a lot that you are able to open up to him and allow him to support you,

be honest with him about your worrys around him giving you support with this and see how he reacts you may be suprised


XYZ123 10-09-2009 02:16 PM

When my relationship with P ended, I had a near breakdown. She was my first true loving female partner. She was the first woman I had fallen in love with and been able to explore that love with on a romantic level (my other female love was straight, other female partners I did not love). She was the first venture I had taken into an openly poly relationship. I have not yet shared the end of that relationship on this forum, but it nearly destroyed me. (Suffice it to say I don't agree AT ALL with the concept of "the third having the most to lose".) Without being able to lean on N, I don't know if I would have survived. I questioned everything from my belief in the validity of poly to my sexuality to whether I had a right to remain married to my husband and parent our child. But N was there. N loved me through the good and the bad and held me through the worst of it. After some time he ran out of things to say and do to comfort me, but he was still there repeating himself when I needed it. Without that support and compassion from him, I don't know if I would have been able to remain in a relationship with him, or ANY healthy relationship.

You should be able to lean on one love over heartache caused by the other, at least to a point. I know N's capacity for helping me heal has brought us closer and made me a more loving and compassionate wife to him and further fueled my trust in him and the strength of our love. He is my life love and my best friend. We are there for eachother to lean on, regardless of the reason one or the other needs it.

When your grieving is over, just be sure he knows he's appreciated. And be sure to be willing to always provide the same compassion for him, regardless of the reason it is needed.

Fidelia 10-09-2009 02:49 PM

Bless your heart. I am so sorry for your loss. :(

It's a lovely thing that Adam wants to help and comfort you in this tough time. I agree with Redpepper, it is OKAY (and natural and healthy) to grieve the loss.

I would also encourage you to continue to invest in the relationship you still have while you grieve the one that is lost. Let Adam know you appreciate his love and support. Thank him. Love him. Do what you can to "take care of the caretaker." Make him glad he's there for you, in good times and in bad.

Nzlovergirl 10-10-2009 03:23 AM

I know I found it really hard to lean on my husband at the time of my break up, but inevitably I did lean on him. Even though i wasnt overtly asking for his support, I took what support he gave in the little ways and it helped.

tommyc 10-10-2009 04:50 AM

I understand what Adam may be going through.....I think he just wants to try to make the hurt less and I think he knows he can't ..I think you should lean on him because he is trying to understand what your feeling right now .....he must love you enough to want to give you a soft place to be and help you through the hurt ....it's not a bad thing for him to try and do that ....maybe the stress Adam is feeling is he can't stop the hurt ....nobody wants to see the one they love hurting........I know ( being the hinge in a "v" myself)....I would hope that if something happened and I was to lose one of them ( Sea or Sweetie)...I would hurt more then I could say....but would take comfort in Knowing that either one would want to help me through the hurt....don't know if this helps .....

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