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-   -   from a triangle to a V: how? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8969)

fairydogmother 04-19-2011 05:15 PM

from a triangle to a V: how?
Hey all,

Thanks for this service. It is helping me very much, to read all the other experiences and wisdom.

I've been in a long-distance triad with a 30-years-together couple for 9 months now. As well as the distance, they are in a different generation (older) and different culture than me. Challenging!

I got into this because I loved/was 'in-love' (crush) with her. She told me he would want to join us and I was okay with that. Turns out, he and I are great together, and I have immensely enjoyed my surprising friendship, love and intimacy with him as well as her. As a bisexual woman, I have taken to poly like a duck to water! (polywog to water?)

Turns out, she never could get into it comfortable. The idea of a triad "as a lifestyle" (she says) bothers her (conservative values/upbringing); she has been jealous of he and I although she says she is over that now; they have troubles in their relationship; I think she is wierded out sometimes by being with a woman (me); and in general she is just not as into me as I am into her...

I am super sad about 'losing' her (what I thought and hoped would be even a primary relationship or at least me as long-term secondary). He understands that I am sad about her now, and is supportive. She wants to 'focus on her marriage' now, and 'just be friends' with me (stop intimate activity with me). She gives him full permission to continue with me - in their house while she is home. I go there once or twice a month.

My question: do you have tips for how to go from what he and I hoped would be a really solid equilateral triangle, to an open V, at her request, when I do love her and deeply 'want'/miss her ? It seems that she loves him, he loves me, I love her, I am not allowed to be with her any more. That leaves him and me, right in front of her. How is that going to work? I miss being with her.

She has 'broken up' with me several times then always reaches out for me again (intimately) but then dances away again by the light of day. "Ambivalent" or "approach/avoidance" syndrome.

I don't want to hurt her, I want to be with both of them, I am hurt by the roller-coaster of her ambivalence, he is NRE with me (I keep telling him to cool down! and include her...)

I am going there for 4 days for the Easter long weekend. haven't seen them since she told me "just friends". (I have understated how sad I am about that.) Thank you! :(

BlackUnicorn 04-19-2011 05:56 PM

Ah, unrequited love for metamours! The bane of the poly world!

Maybe getting together with him while she is in the same apartment isn't the hottest idea ever in what comes to protecting your heart right now. Can he for example visit you?

Blogs that have the same problematics as yours and that I am familiar with are AnnabelMore's Story of a Secondary (similar dynamics to yours) and TeamD79's Life Alien to Our Own (pretty much exactly your situation in many ways).

fairydogmother 04-19-2011 06:01 PM

Thanks Black Unicorn. (How can I find those stories?)

BlackUnicorn 04-19-2011 06:05 PM

polyamory.com-> Life stories and Blogs

Both I mentioned are on the front page.

magikman79 04-19-2011 10:25 PM

So many elements of your story sound like what we went through not long ago...

We had hoped our "M" was just not mature enough or not ready, but the fact is, if she can't live this life now, she will never be able to. Some people have a need for that "normal" life & we can not rob someone of a normal life.

But by all means, don't give up if its not time to give up, just keep in mind there are penalties for living a "non normal" life, but the rewards are FAR greater than any penalty.

This link has some good points & we found it VERY helpful


As for the jealousy, it is GOING to happen, because emotions are not rational, even I got jealous of Heather & M when they spent time together, but the test is, can you (all ppl involved) get past it & use it to make the triangle stronger. And if the relationship is already having trouble before you joined it's not a good sign. The stronger & more stable the couple is, the stronger the triangle will be.

In reply to your question, I don't know, we didn't really try to make it a V because she left, but I can't imagine it being at all easy, feelings like that don't go away quickly or easily, not that you would want them to.

The key is going to be communication, when people stop talking hurt builds up until something bad happens.

We are still figuring some of it out as we go along, but you can talk to Heather & I if you need any help or have any questions :-)

redpepper 04-20-2011 02:10 AM

try a tag search for metamours.

lotheriel79 04-20-2011 10:55 PM

Oh God Honey I am so sorry.
Trust me I know exactly what you are going through, but from another end of the triangle, as the wife that fell into unrequited love.

I fell so in love with our "M". Kris loved us both. But "M" fell in love with Kris only.
She tried and it hurt to watch her try to force herself to love me. I could not allow her to continue to do that to herself.
After it was over between "M" and me, I too offered to leave the house so she could come be with him. After all.. I can deal with my own pain and rejection, but when I said no to time alone for them it was my own pain tripled, and that I could not take. The needs of the many outway the needs of the few after all. So i was willing to take the pain from them and take it onto myself completely.
However it does still hurt, and it is a VERY good thing that kris and I are such a strong couple or we never would have made it through.
He still sees her at work, and he does still hang out with her. Nothing at all like what it used to be, but they do still get a relationship of some kind.
She will not talk to me. She will not hang out with me. I would love more than anything to at least be able to be her friend, and learn to love her in a different way, but she will not allow that. And it hurts every time. Not because I am jealous of the two of them and their relationship... It hurts because I want that with her as well, and I know it is something I will never have. Our happy memories have become bitter sweet, and hard to think about.

I wish I had some way.. something that I could say that would fix everything for you. But I am afraid that I have not found that way yet. I am still searching for a way to heal as well. I rely alot on Kris. Just to hold me together when I am breaking to pieces inside. I know he is sad over the same, and there is some comfort in numbers, and here we found lots of extra numbers. :)

Stay strong. do not push her, or she may run. Just be there for her when she needs someone to comfort her, and perhaps if she is willing to accept your comfort, she will come around. I hope she does for you. Never stop talking. Always let her know you are there for her, when ever she may need or want it.

Good luck, and if you figure out something that works, by all means, let me know!! LOL. Kris and I are here to keep you strong, along with many others who have been in your shoes. You are NOT alone.

here is a link to our blog:

AutumnalTone 04-21-2011 12:19 AM


Originally Posted by fairydogmother (Post 77167)
She has 'broken up' with me several times then always reaches out for me again (intimately) but then dances away again by the light of day. "Ambivalent" or "approach/avoidance" syndrome.

What process do you normally use to accept the fact that something you really want to happen won't? Use that process regarding a romance with her.

You can stop the roller coaster ride of her "come here/get away" game by not hopping on the tracks at the outset. Refuse to be physically intimate with her. Seriously, it reminds me of a man complaining to his doctor that "it hurts when I do this"--the doctor's reply is "then don't do that." If playing that game of hers bothers you, don't play.

fairydogmother 04-21-2011 11:47 AM

Yup. Wise.
I had already started that (declining intimacy). (Easier said than done!!!)
You're right, now I put on my big-girl panties and 'get over her'. Time to sort out on our new way of being together.

magikman79 04-21-2011 03:31 PM


Originally Posted by fairydogmother (Post 77524)
Yup. Wise.
I had already started that (declining intimacy). (Easier said than done!!!)
You're right, now I put on my big-girl panties and 'get over her'. Time to sort out on our new way of being together.

It IS easier said than done... especially when I still want it...

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