I have my habits of keeping track of where I've been, usually in words stored somewhere. Poems, stories, narratives. Debates, dialogues, discussions. My life is all about translating, not from words to words, but ideas to words to actions. The life of an educator.
Since I've decided to leave behind some important things to follow this life of becoming who I am, I think it's important to follow also whether or not I am what I think I am. If I end up being worse, then at least I can see a road backwards. If I end up being better, then at least I can see how much I've grown.
Hearts are already broken for the ways I have chosen to live, and I don't doubt more will be. The goal is to minimize the pain and find the ways to choose not to hurt anymore.
It's not good to begin things with a bit of a sullen disposition (Well begun is half done, so the man wrote and died). So, to that end, what makes me happy? Seduction and cuddling with someone who appreciates both. That's made me happy today.
So this begins, and here's seeing what tomorrow brings.
I've never seduced a man before, although it's not really been apparent as an option. So, I guess there's a first time for anything, but why does it have to be two?
One wants to have her fantasy, one wants to explore, one wants to be explored, one needs advice, one is growing up, one is now a friend, one is breaking up slowly with her boyfriend, one is in love, one is lonely. It gets complicated to be so available.
Two down. The one was inevitable, but the other played out in a way that helped to make a decision on it. I'm too old for the juvenile games of manipulation. She had a chance to redeem herself by admitting to the game, but by continuing the lie, that gave me the closure I needed to choose not to play (it was the only winning move). She won't ever know how close she came, but the lesson will stick with her enough for others to benefit. I don't mind that at all.
Afterwards, had a long and sincere talk with the Moon about her fears and expectations. I like that she's okay with my past and sharing her own, and we can move in and out of multiple conversations without having to worry about treading on sensitivities. She also listened in on advice I gave to two others about their own relationships, and having her agree with me was nice.
Slow and deliberate. With all that's going on, slow and deliberate is the better thing to be.
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