Why am I crying all the time?
I am having a great deal of issues with my new lifestyle. I'm not exactly sure where to begin, or how or what to explain, but I will do my best, because I really need some help, and I don't know where else to turn. So here goes.
K was my only real gay relationship; I was 17, she 21. We broke up for practical reasons, but still remained just as close (if not closer). We have since (for the last 7 years) been best friends, and have a rather cosmic emotional bond.
One of my closest male friends, N, had a sexual relationship with K for many years, and though he loved her, she would never give him anything more than sex. Two years ago, he decided his pursuit of her was futile, and that I was a much better match for him. He and I have been together ever since.
About a month or so ago, K moved in with me (N lives on his own). Although she tried to come on to me one drunken night, we hadn't been at all sexual since N and I had been together. The first couple of weeks were fun, with she and I doing best friend types of things, and N coming over occasionally and hanging out. Although K had some mixed feelings about her past relations with N, she constantly assured me how much she loved the fact that he and I were now together, and that she liked him more, loved him even, now that he was with me. When I noticed them becoming more comfortable around one another, I suggested they have sex together. They did. And they did, and they did.
My initial reaction to their actually going through with it was surprise. And also relief, because I at this point in my life I have a pretty low libido, and feel I cannot satisfy my boyfriend's needs all the time. I wasn't worried about it getting out of hand because I knew neither of them would want to hurt me. I also discovered that the idea of them together really turned me on. Soon we were all three having sex together. However, they continued to have sex by themselves quite often. My libido went up, but my boyfriend (who suffers from coital headaches) was unable to have sex with me due to constantly doing it with her.
In addition, N has always told me how he and K have this cosmic sexual chemistry. He tells me now that their sex lasts for hours, and she asks him to do very intimate things. She also told him that she wanted to marry him and have his children. When I found this out I was incredibly hurt, because I didn't think their relationship was much more than physical.
My problem here is not simply jealousy. It is also the fact that he and she have a much more physical relationship than I have ever had with anyone, and apparently the sex is incredibly emotional and meaningful. Not to mention pleasurable. I myself have never been able to have an orgasm, and that is why I have usually put sex on the back burner. But hearing about and seeing them together makes me feel so incredibly left out, because I cannot experience what they are feeling. When I bring it up, they both sort of act like there is nothing they can do. However I feel that if they did to me the things they do to one another, I might be able to.
It may seem like there is nothing good about this relationship, but that is untrue. I have a mental connection as well as a history with N that he and K do not have. K and I have the intense emotional bond. K says she can only love N if I am a part of it. And we have a great time when the three of us are together. It feels very family-like and happy. But I find myself getting so easily offended, and not wanting to leave them alone together. I know both of them want this to last, and I do too. But I wonder how, amidst all this love, that I can feel so unloved.
Please forgive me for writing so much here, but as you all know, these relationships can be quite complicated, and I just wanted to make everything clear if I want any real advice, which I do. So much.
First and foremost for me-I'd rather you write a book then ask for advice without giving me enough info to work with. :) So don't feel guilty about having to detail it out.
If I understand you correctly-you love two people. At some point you have dated each of them and they have dated each other as well. Now they want a triad with you. It's fun-but you are struggling with how their sex life seems to be bouncing along to greater heighths together then with you. You don't say WHY but you do say that you've never had an orgasm and it would seem based on what you are saying that neither of them have any issue with that.
THAT detail right there puts me on pause. My reason is that if you have NEVER had a relationship then NEITHER OF THEM was able to get you there when you were dating them AND you haven't found anyone else who has or been able to do it yourself. If you can't get off-that is going to seriously impact how much you CAN enjoy the sex and intimacy with them which is going to guarantee that they become closer in that arena then you by default.
So my FIRST thought is that you need to resolve that.
I could give you a number of suggestions on that topic if you like-either on here or in a private message. But am not putting them in this post as some people would be offended at having someone just pop out and say "have you tried xyz etc" without making sure they were comfortable with it-so let me know if you would like suggestions.
talk to your gynocologist. SERIOUSLY.
get a mirror and study your body. SERIOUSLY.
I had already had my first child before I figured out how t orgasm. It was a horrible point of contention with my then boyfriend and it was terrible for my self-esteem which in turn made me more possessive, paranoid etc. Resolving that issue brought me around SO FAST to being open minded, un possessive, confident etc.
Once you solve YOUR issues with sex, then you can work on being a part of enjoying the rest.
Also-if these two TRULY love you-then they need to help you in figuring it out.
I read this that you are a woman-please correct me if I'm wrong!
But that assumption in place, are you internally aroused?
Do you know?
Are you shy about your body parts?
do you feel like you can relax completely when you are naked? partially clothed? dressed? At all?
Have you been abused or in abusive situations/relationships?
all of those can effect your ability to have an orgasm.
Don't give up-there is a solution. Just have to figure it out!;)
Keep your head up sweetie. There are many here who will consider your situation and ideas will pop up. I hope what I sent you helps too. Don't let yourself feel like a failure or like you aren't up to par with them. You are just as wonderful as they are and they know it-or they wouldn't be with you in the first place!
It takes time to work through the little idiosyncracies of life (heck if I can spell that one right now!) and with friends to support us-it's easier.
You can count me as a friend! I'm always adding to my list of friends!
I asked LR to reply to you.I had a few tought but she is much better at wording and she is able to relate to your story.I hope she was helpful.I hope you find your way through.:)
I really don't know what you should do....
they were very open and honest. That is something I guess. I don't know if I would want to know all that info, or give all that info....
I think I will PM you with details.... leave everyong else guessing. :D;)
I have to agree with Ceoli I have come to really enjoy your thought provoking replies.:) Guess Ill just have to enjoy the tension of wondering;)
oh boy, well..... sorry, this one was just a little too personal to reveal on a public forum... sorry. :p
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