Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Life stories and blogs (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=5)
-   -   dazed and confused life of maca (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=890)

maca 10-02-2009 04:33 AM

dazed and confused life of maca
 
Im mono and my wife has recently come clean with the fact that she is poly.There is alot of drama before this but that is not important.Im unsure of my willingness and abality to stay in this marriage but Im exploring it with the most open mind I can muster.I have insecurities Im jealous and Im working on finding the deeper seated reasons I feel these fears.

Im not even really sure that Im mono.I entertain many thoughts about another partner but I dont feel its right to bring another persons emotions into my life till I can control and understand my own emotions.

Basically Im here looking for enlightenment and some advice once in awhile.

My wife is also on this board but till she says Its ok with her I wont link her board name in my posts.

Dazed and Confused ,
Maca

HappiestManAlive 10-02-2009 07:51 PM

First - WELCOME!

Second - well, you certainly have the right mindset to make a relationship work, mono, poly, or whatever. A willingness to

1. - explore rather than simply combat the new ideas,
2. - aknowledge that you still have retisence (I liked your "I can muster" line) and issues,
3. - work on understanding those issues,
and 4 - look to others for help and guidance

all speak very well of you as a partner in the marriage. Even aknowledging that you're unsure about wanting to stay is a sign that you are willing to work from your side. Further, you are respectful of her position to at least some degree, even to the point of not revealing who she is until she okays it.

So you're coming from a good place.

Talking about people "being mono" or "being poly" annoys me personally - not you or your words, it gets thrown around here a lot, even by me - but I don't think someone "is" one or the other; they are who they are and they have needs and beliefs as they relate to relationships. At this time, your wife believes that hers are better served in a polyamorous relationship. Brace yourself - that might change down the road! You say that you "are not really sure you are mono". Again - you are who you are, and your comfort and understanding of things will dictate what you need to do; someone who identifies as "mono" might very well have thoughts and feelings for other people, but never be comfortable in a plural relationsip, and someone who identifies as "poly" may very well be seeking something that ends up better fulfilled in a "mono" relationship, or may have some desire to be with one person while never being able to be fulfilled by just one. And so on - as with anything in human nature, it's complex and no two situations/people/etc are going to be alike, tough similarities will exist.

I'm getting long winded. How about I say Third - some questions, if you don't mind?

How long have you been together?

Is this discovery that she's "poly" something new, maybe related to other things going on, etc?

Are your "poly" thoughts a result of the recent issues, or have they always been there and "suppressed"?

That's a start if you'd like input and help...

MonoVCPHG 10-02-2009 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive (Post 8185)

someone who identifies as "mono" might very well have thoughts and feelings for other people, but never be comfortable in a plural relationsip, and someone who identifies as "poly" may very well be seeking something that ends up better fulfilled in a "mono" relationship, or may have some desire to be with one person while never being able to be fulfilled by just one. ...

You're missing the whole natural wiring thing here. Sometimes people are wired differently...accept it.

HappiestManAlive 10-02-2009 10:40 PM

That's what I said, lol.

vandalin 10-02-2009 11:32 PM

Welcome! Good luck finding the answers you need.

maca 10-03-2009 04:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive (Post 8185)

I'm getting long winded. How about I say Third - some questions, if you don't mind?

How long have you been together?

Is this discovery that she's "poly" something new, maybe related to other things going on, etc?

Are your "poly" thoughts a result of the recent issues, or have they always been there and "suppressed"?

That's a start if you'd like input and help...

We have been together for 11 years now 10 as a married couple.

Ive only recently discovered the definition of poly. I used to think she was just sexually liberal and a close kin to a hippie.She had an affair that I caught her in and it continued for several years afterwards.But bottom line is I know she loves this other guy as well as me.So I guess I knew she was poly but didnt know what poly was.

My thoughts of having 2 or more partners has allways been there butI refused to give those feelings any credit.I was afraid of what ppl would think, say and I feared I would be alone in the end if it didnt work out.So my recent actions are a result of the brutal honesty my Wife laid on me last friday about the fact that she is poly and still wants me to be her husband and lover.


Im not a great or even proficient typer so if things get hard to follow Ill try to slow myself down:)I really just want to live a happy and full life.


MACA

Rarechild 10-05-2009 07:13 PM

Welcome
 
Maca,

I can see you are struggling, and it must be hard, but you are doing an excellent job of processing. I can feel in your posts a deep respect for yourself and your wife.

Having been party to a long line of uncommunicative relationships, I come from a deep place of still being almost shocked and so grateful that people can look at one another for who they are and not run away from coping, but face the situation with dignity and respect.

Your first line about your wife "coming out" immediately shows you are taking this seriously and I am glad to hear you say you just want to be happy, because you are doing the work right now to make that happen.

Welcome to the forum!

maca 10-06-2009 04:56 AM

Thanks RC,It hasnt been easy but the pay out so far has been incredible.I realised that honesty between ppl is so uplifting.My wife is so much happier and cause of that she has helped me to be happy again.And the Sex... wow:D

The only thing that is really bothering me is my wifes other and mines relationship.Its not where it should be at and it needs to be closer in order for this to last.Wed Im planning on taking him out for a beer and some conversation ...will see how it goes.

redpepper 10-06-2009 11:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maca (Post 8398)
Thanks RC,It hasnt been easy but the pay out so far has been incredible.I realised that honesty between ppl is so uplifting.My wife is so much happier and cause of that she has helped me to be happy again.And the Sex... wow:D

The only thing that is really bothering me is my wifes other and mines relationship.Its not where it should be at and it needs to be closer in order for this to last.Wed Im planning on taking him out for a beer and some conversation ...will see how it goes.

Patience my friend... it's all new and you all seem to have the desire to make it work. It will come if it is meant to be. You have already seen the potential and know what depth it can mean to you and your wife.... it will all fall into place in time :)

maca 10-07-2009 04:30 AM

Thanks RP I will take my time. Its just exciting and well I really have an issue with letting the things that feel confronting to me slide and then they get in a rut.But ill take it slow and let the cards fall as they may.


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:45 PM.