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-   -   Opening An Already Polyamorous Relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8893)

ROTTENsugar 04-17-2011 10:50 PM

Opening An Already Polyamorous Relationship
 
Hello! I am currently in a closed Polyamorous relationship with two people. For the love of things simple let's just call them A and B.

Our relationship is fairly new at this point, as far as relationships go. Things have finally started settling down for us, everybody being comfortable being themselves around the other and what not. We have recently all moved into the same house as well.

I have recently become more social and going out and meeting new people etcetera. But recently there has been this other person who has caught my eye. We'll call them C. And we have been talking alot recently even hanging out once or twice. C knows I am in a poly relationship and they, themselves aren't looking for a romantic relationship but a purely sexual one instead. With only me. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested. But as I mentioned before we're in a closed relationship which I guess I want to try partially opening.

So I guess what I'm asking is how should I approach the topic with A and B?

nycindie 04-18-2011 01:52 AM

Hi there,
Well, my first response to your post is to ask whether your poly relationship is closed due to a promise you made, a fluid bond, or boundaries that you all agreed to revisit sometime in the future. Because I am not sure it would be worth it to jeopardize the good stuff you've got for a fling, especially if you gave your word to being closed. Was there any kind of provision made in the agreement made among your current poly partners for opening it up?

Being poly doesn't necessarily mean that you must take every possibility for hooking up that comes your way. I think, if you are committed to your triad (or vee?) -- especially since the current situation is so new and still "settling in" as you say -- that you would learn much more from resisting the temptation presenting itself right now and get comfortable with what you have. Enjoy the tension and excitement of possibility without giving into it. Otherwise it could turn ugly between you and your partners. You wouldn't want to throw away something that has just gotten comfortable and has potential for long-term satisfaction, just for fleeting sexual gratification. Remember sexual attraction is just a chemical reaction and may not be worth the consequences if it could damage a more substantial and reliable situation.

Now, I think it'd be different if this person wanted more than sex and you saw them as someone you really might want to continue developing a relationship with. OR if there was some understanding that casual, protected sex outside your group would be acceptable if handled in a way that would still allow everyone to feel secure in the fidelity you all have agreed to. That could warrant having a discussion about opening up your current arrangement.

Perhaps one thing you could propose is that everyone in your triad agree to discussing boundaries and how everything is going for each of you, on a periodic basis so that this kind of stuff can be talked about in a level-headed objective way and not in response to lust for someone outside of your tangle. One of the things you could discuss would be the very question you asked here - how do we handle potential desires to open up our relationship to new people? You all might come up with solutions, ranging from: developing a friendship first, having everyone meet the person, giving it a time frame before becoming intimate for all to get used to the idea, to "sure, go ahead as long as protection is used" (but then you all obviously wouldn't be closed anymore).

I mean, what if all three of you wanted to change the rules every time they met someone interesting and appealing? Would you be comfortable with your partners doing that to you? When you agreed to a closed relationship, you agreed to it for a reason, didn't you?

Ariakas 04-18-2011 02:32 AM

One potential bonus to poly is the ability to allow "relationships" to foster to their potential. If you are poly-fi then you are people limited (although there are other benefits imho). You have to decide if the reward is worth opening up further. If you have met someone who has that flare.. that... thing that catches you eye/heart/groin.. then you need to figure out what opening up will be like. Figure out what you want, why you want it and then move onto step two.

You need to speak with your partner(s) about opening up further. Thats where I would start. How open is your grouping to casual sex? Will they be the militant poly's against casual sex?

You can't even begin to guess what to do until you sit down and say something like

"There is someone I am interested in, who is interested in me. I would like to explore the potential of this relationship which seems to be primarily sexual based"

Once you start there, then you can begin to bury the idea, or build a plan. Since it is two individuals it might work to start a the conversation as a group and then figure out what each person needs individually to feel happy and secure.

Best of luck...

redpepper 04-18-2011 05:58 AM

Interesting dilemma and one I am familiar with... you can have a look at my blog to see details. Around Christmas (2010) was when I struggled with a similar issue.

For me I had known the person for two years and we wanted to have sex in our relationship where we had not before. We had a non-sexual relationship before but considered each other partners.

The similarity here is that you have a closed poly-fi relationship that you now want to open due to your desire to have casual sex. I would wonder if it is worth it. For me it wasn't. There would be a chance that I would lose everything I had worked for and I wasn't willing to do that for this person. At least not right now. I am very happy with that decision now that I can see past my desire a bit more.

I would be asking myself what is more important, your living situation and the support of your loves? Or casual sex with someone you are just getting to know and have NRE with...?

If the answer is that it is worth looking into and you want to right now, rather than waiting to see if the desire dies down or it becomes something more, then start talking. It seems to me that the best place to start would be to let the others know about your desires and subsequent discussions with this person. I was wondering why you hadn't already actually as usually, in the spirit of open and honest communication, these kind of big feelings are out there already by the time it gets to discussing getting together to fuck. Still, no time like now to get talking.


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