Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Whoa, nice resource! Not new to poly, but a bit of help plz. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=889)

heartbt 10-02-2009 02:10 AM

Whoa, nice resource! Not new to poly, but a bit of help plz.
I need some help getting my head on straight. But before I get into that, I have to say WOW! I have been poly minded for a long time(like 20+yrs), and I have never realized this was here. Good work!
This could be long as I have a hard time editing, and I know the devils in the details here.

The situation that I need some help with. Like I said, poly minded since high school, and loved but never found the life long one, until 7 years ago. I told her up front I was poly, and she was receptive, if not a bit reluctant. I was not with anyone else at the time, so it was just a "thought" to her. I met someone about a year and half later, and I brought this up to her, and we talked and again receptive. For the sake of brevity, once truly faced with it, she was certainly not. 9 months after that, SHE met someone and she thought about poly again, only to again realize that she is not.
(If you need more details to give good advice, I can fill it in, but brevity for now since this is only history.)
We worked out those two previous encounters, and I realized, and promised, that although my principals cannot change, I will be monogamous with her. This worked famously for 2 more years, when for other relationship stress, and stress related to the potential of me "cheating" on her. She left me and took off and "went crazy, becoming someone I was not, nor even liked"(her words). I stuck it out, let her go and since I loved her that much, was eagerly waiting for her when she finally landed. At this time, we again vowed for a monogamous relationship, and I didn't even consider my poly mindset, I had her back in my life, and we were happy.

OK, 3 years after she lands (3 wonderful years, btw), SHE has met someone new, and wants to try poly again. Now I'M the stick in the mud. I cannot seem to get back to where I once was. I'm afraid of losing her in my life, of her not being able to be honest and more so, open. I'm not so much jealous of her or him, but I will confess there is some jealousy, I'm just able to push it aside (know what I mean?) I've never had that before! I can honestly say, this is the first time in my life I've ever dealt with this. Never have I been wired monogamous, but it sure feels like it right now.

Can anyone relate?

NeonKaos 10-02-2009 02:12 AM


Originally Posted by heartbt (Post 8112)
I need some help getting my head on straight. But before I get into that, I have to say WOW! I have been poly minded for a long time(like 20+yrs), and I have never realized this was here. Good work!

"This" hasn't been here all that time.

heartbt 10-04-2009 12:07 AM

Ygirl, I'm seeing that. The forum is less than a year up, and I can only imagine how many people have been helped by the personal reflections and advice available here.

As for me, it's been a blessing. After reading some of the trials that other members have dealt or are dealing with, it caused me to reflect and reaffirm that love is not holding on, but in letting go. It's the simplest of concepts, and yet so easy to forget. (Or so it would seem).

I am now at peace, and it feels I have received more love than than I would have feared losing.

I'll keep you posted, if the forum would like. Thank you to the founders for giving me an avenue to vent. This was a problem in my own heart and mind, and I feel that putting it out here for scrutiny by like minded people helped me to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Polyphemus 10-09-2009 09:27 PM

I was also surprised at how much jealously I felt, despite always wanting an open marriage. You never know how you'll feel about something beforehand.

Hope you do keep us posted.

heartbt 10-18-2009 04:52 AM

Just takes time
Polyphemus, I am really convinced that jealousy was not the issue. I have felt jealousy, and this was something different. This was more of a breach of trust issue in my head.

I had, willingly put aside my principals (not given them up) for her and found happiness in doing so. Seems an odd thing to be happy about, ignoring your principals, but... Honestly, I still am happy to not only love only her, but be monogamous with only her, AND YET still believe in Poly!(haven't got that sorted yet). To have her be the one to seek this out after finding that happiness feels like she's "broken the deal". I'm now over that, with much talking and introspection.

Also of issue was the speed that this was occurring. She had felt this way for some time, but only really brought this up when her feelings were already building (communication issue). I felt like I had to either break her heart and ask her to back off, or get pushed through some deep emotional issues at a pace I was unprepared to handle. I also had not even met him, which, I discovered about myself long ago, has always caused some issues with worry and protectiveness. I did not even recognize this fact until I stewed on the situation further. There was just too much, too fast, and this board helped by letting me air some of it. Note to self: If your love is truly eternal, then time is always available. Don't be afraid to slow down.

Now we have reached a comfortable spot where, within rules, she can progress in her relationship (slower), and I can get the time I need to "readjust". I have also met him, and found him to be really a great guy, which has helped tremendously more here than ever in the past. It's refreshing when you can share the excitement (or the other side of NRE; technical term escapes me) with your partner.

There's still some hurdles in my head, but mostly now due to changes in our family. Or, the fact that now we HAVE a family. And she's got some things to tackle too, but nothing too difficult. The new beau also has some issues, but mostly it's all normal poly stuff; trust building, communication, and acceptance.

Thanks for the feedback.

Ceoli 10-18-2009 05:03 AM


Originally Posted by heartbt (Post 9215)
It's refreshing when you can share the excitement (or the other side of NRE; technical term escapes me) with your partner.

I believe "compersion" is the term you're after. (Though back in the UK they used to have another word for it that's a lot more fun to use: frubble!)

heartbt 10-18-2009 05:08 AM

I was just digging thru some books looking for that. What a horrible word when the other side of the coin is so descriptive! I do like Frubble, that one will stick. Thanks!

NeonKaos 10-18-2009 03:11 PM

I dislike the way "compersion" sounds when said outloud. Iy sounds like a cross between something that happens to the economy and an over-rated breed of cat.

heartbt 10-24-2009 02:25 AM

Still going smooth.
The "re-entry" into poly is going well since I last posted. Very well. Her boyfriend is definitely a choice pick. One of those hidden gems, which actually makes things much easier. All three of us went out for, I think, the second time the other night and WE HAD A BALL! No third wheel issues around the table, lots of great fun conversation, and good gobs of heart felt sharing between us all.

They have finally realized, and shared, that they are in love with each other. THAT MADE ME JUST SO HAPPY!! It's something that I honestly have forgot, or put out of my head, or for whatever reason have deprived myself of for too long. It is absolutely one of the best feelings to see a cherished loved one, falling in love. Frubble! (thanks Ygirl)

AND I met someone! Shocked and bewildered as I was when I realized that she was not just being nice. Not the goal for the evening, and in fact was something we talked about not pursuing until things reached a normal tempo. We thought that it might re-accelerate things too much, and complicate things, but, here she was, and she's interested in me, has no poly hangups whatsoever and I got the green light from all parties. Ugh. Nervous? sure. But I've realized that being nervous is not always a bad thing.

All ahead slow.

As for some of the hangups that I've spoke of before. We have talked many of them thru in the days before we arranged our "V" date. If anyone of us were uncomfy with anything at all, we would just say so, back off, and discuss. There were some small little ground rules about heavy PDA and similar, but that's kinda normal in my experience. PDA, especially HEAVY PDA, leads very often to third wheel issues, and exclusion, IMO.

So, my new beau and I have already had our first solo, getting to know each other date (anyone have a term for that?) and she's really spectacular. She's met my SO, and her BF and all is wonderful. She and the SO get along great and I actually got some third wheel going there for a bit. She hogged my date! LOL (no seriously, it was awesome to see them talk so well, AND FAST!! How do girls do that?)

We've planned a double date for the weekend, this should be fun! I foresee the BF and I sipping beer and watching a game while hyper chat is going on for most of the time. Which is fine with me, except I'm supposed to cook. I think he and I have already formed a pretty tight friendship. I do enjoy his company.

More later?

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:50 PM.