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-   -   party poly talk (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8884)

redpepper 04-17-2011 05:08 PM

party poly talk
 
I went to two parties this week where Poly came up. Everyone was super interested in the lifestyle I have made home, but that also came with concern for me and my partners. Questions were raised about how I could possibly have time, how I could possibly be showing my loves that I care and love them, how I could spend that much energy on my relationships when I could be spending it elsewhere.

Some people I met had been to different poly events and don't go any more. Their reason? They are back on the mono train, because it is easier. Poly is hard work and really they were only in it because they hadn't found "the one," and were dating and playing the field until they did. Now they either have found "the one" or have given up and found seeking out poly relationships has just kept them from the task of finding "the one."

What was interesting was that they were sceptical and in disbelief of my success so far on this journey. I find it hard to respond in such conversations. Its almost as if they are looking to me to pull something out of no where that will give them an answer as to how to proceed and how to be successful in poly. There is no one answer, and it inevitably comes from the individuals involved. This does not seem to compute somehow, or is fraught with disbelieve and doubt.

People seem to want to make a cult out of poly as if their are rules to follow, procedure to be aware of. Really, for me, poly success comes down to two things; time management, and being independently aware of every single thing that comes up for me. At least this is the simple party version anyway.

What's your party version on your poly? What have you encountered when talking about poly in such situations?

AutumnalTone 04-17-2011 11:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 76727)
What was interesting was that they were sceptical and in disbelief of my success so far on this journey. I find it hard to respond in such conversations.

I'm thinking a response of "I seem to be able to do relationships well" is an appropriate response.

nycindie 04-18-2011 12:43 AM

I wasn't at a party, but I recently went to hear some live music at my local pub and got into a conversation about poly with someone I'd just met there. Man, was it tedious to try and explain it to someone so close-minded!

He kept on saying, "But don't you want commitment?" And I kept on saying, "Polyamory is about commitment, it's just being committed to more than one person." And he actually had the nerve to counter with, "But what are you committing to? Nothing." Ugh, I think we went over it and said these same lines at least five times.

Then he kept talking about communes and a "whole bunch of people living and screwing around together," and was visibly shocked when I told him I am straight. He was like, "How does that work??!!" Even though I told him that at this point I don't have my ideal situation in place yet, when I said I wanted to be with more than one guy that got him so twisted, never mind when I told him it wasn't only about sex but about LOVING more than one guy. I could tell he was thinking that was whorish. He was so disgusted, I saw it on his face (but I am sure that if I had said I was bi, he'd have thought that was totally hot. A straight woman fucking and loving more than one man = whore). His reactions actually made me get up and leave to go home!

Blargh!!!

I usually don't have that much of a hard time talking about it to people, since NYC is a pretty liberal place and I know mostly creative types who embrace alternatives more than most. One friend of mine dislikes the idea completely but is at least accepting of it. But that exchange was uber frustrating! If it had been genuine curiosity instead of such disdain, I would have stayed to keep on talking about it with him.

redpepper 04-18-2011 05:46 AM

Ah yes the "whore" thing.... sigh... I totally get that look. The blank stare turned horror turned disrespect look. Yup. It's just way too hard for some to look past what is right in front of them to be able to see more than what they already know.

I remember talking to Mono about what poly was when we first met. He was one of the only men I had a date with that looked interested and concerned for me rather than saw an opportunity or thought I was a fool.

Generally people seem to want to hear that I must of failed in some way to HAVE to have this. One person the other night said that they had tried that "lifesytle" out and it just doesn't work. I told them that it is a whole mind change really and not for the faint of heart. You have to be talented ;):p I reminded them that it HAS worked and that I am an example of that. She turned to her boyfriend and said that she thought they were just fine together and it was working so even though they tried it it wasn't for them... funny, because there was an awkward silence afterwards that gave me the distinct impression that he had been TOLD that they were fine and they didn't "need" poly.... hmmmmm:rolleyes:

I have to remember to stop talking after I have said my bit though... I always keep rambling on to fill in the awkward silences as if I have to in some way confince... saying it over and over that I'm kind of whatever about it all cause I am good and they are good so who cares, just doesn't really avoid the awkwardness. Ya know?

BlackUnicorn 04-18-2011 07:38 AM

The oddest response I've gotten so far was when I said that I don't do poly-fi. 'Well then, I guess you are not as committed to your couple as they would want to be to you'. Woot?! I think FMF-triads are still sort of understandable and maybe awe-inspiring to some people, provided OPP is firmly in place. But one woman with two or more guys? Now that's just greedy :rolleyes:.

A common misunderstanding is that my partners don't know about my other partners and that everyone of them thinks they are the only ones. I sure hope not!

TruckerPete 04-18-2011 02:33 PM

I openly state on my POF profile that I'm happily married and have a boyfriend. One guy messaged me and said, "So are you insatiable, or just greedy?" I told him I am neither, I'm poly. He countered back with, "If that's what you want to call it."

He left me alone after I commented that he must have a winning strategy for picking up women, if he has nothing better to do than troll a slut's profile. :p

Carma 04-18-2011 02:38 PM

I'm not open enough (yet?) to discuss poly at parties, but thanks to Sister Wives, on tv, we can kind of dance around the idea, right? :rolleyes:

I'm frustrated -- lots of narrow-mindedness around here (Midwest). They seem to think things have to stay the same as they've always been. No one questions the mono status quo, the fairy-tale model we were all given. I've read tons since coming here, but I'm not so sure I want to be the big advocate for poly quite yet. (Especially at times when things are going rocky for us, personally!) But the fairy tale ending sure didn't happen, for me or for hardly anybody I know. Cheating and/or divorcing is the norm, or miserable "faithful" marriages with the occasional rare happy one.

In my experience, people find it much more acceptable to hate a cheating s.o.b. than to consider the idea that maybe there was another way things could have been handled. Daggers are thrown at people who have :eek: feelings for anyone besides their spouse :eek: (Guess none of these super "Christians" really took to heart that part in the bible about not stoning the adultress...)

I have told some of my friends about our arrangement, and the biggest concern they have expressed is that there is no way to overcome the JEALOUSY. They say there's just no way a man can accept another man being with his wife.

I tell them about "compersion" and I say, "Well, believe it or not, there ARE people out there, making it work. I didn't just dream this lifestyle up all on my own!"

Maybe the only good parties happen in Canada :p

BlackUnicorn 04-18-2011 02:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carma (Post 76934)
I have told some of my friends about our arrangement, and the biggest concern they have expressed is that there is no way to overcome the JEALOUSY. They say there's just no way a man can accept another man being with his wife.

Yep, people tend to accept jealousy as a fact of their emotional existence now and forever more. Cheaters have told me (when I asked if they've ever thought of opening up their relationship) that they would never be able to share their partner because of their own jealousy. And when I try to say 'well, there is help to overcome those feelings' they go 'not for me, I'm wired for that'.

BrigidsDaughter 04-18-2011 03:47 PM

Jealousy is something that Wolf struggles with all the time and I've had my own bouts of it here and there. Wolf realizes where it comes from and lets me know when it's bugging him and preemptively apologizes for his behavior while he sorts through it. I've been sharing with him some stuff from the boards, but he doesn't want to take away my safe space by coming here. (He's involved in alot of forums and I only have this one atm). We're going to a local poly meet and greet next week, so it will be nice to be able to talk about our relationships w/o outing Wendigo and Pretty Lady.

AutumnalTone 04-18-2011 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 76806)
He kept on saying, "But don't you want commitment?" And I kept on saying, "Polyamory is about commitment, it's just being committed to more than one person." And he actually had the nerve to counter with, "But what are you committing to? Nothing." Ugh, I think we went over it and said these same lines at least five times.

You should have just told him the facts straight up: you have commitment in spades. If anybody has a problem, it's him, as he can't bring himself to commit to more than one person at a time!

Sheesh!


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