so confused...need to talk to someone with experience
Hi. I am new to this forum, and this lifestyle, and I am sooo confused. I have been feeling so lonely and confused! I feel I canīt talk to anyone about whatīs happening to me, and I have so many questions. I am not even sure if what I am living can be classified as polyamory. I would really like to share my story, but please please be gentle. I have been feeling really vulnerable. I am going to try to be as brief as I can. English isnīt my first language, so please excuse me if my grammar isnīt very good.
I donīt even know where to start...here I go.
I am a 30 year old woman. I have battled with depression all my life. I have had male and female partners, and Iīm fine with that. I am a very lonely person. I havenīt had a partner in 8 years, and most of my energy goes into not being depressed. I feel lonely a lot but I just canīt establish healthy relationships with people. My past relationships have all been abusive, so I finally decided I prefered to be alone.
Well, about 2 years ago I met a really nice couple. A man (62 years old)and a woman (53 years old). I really liked them, they invited me over to dinner, etc. We are very similar in what we like, the things we do, etc. A year later, I started having a really close frienship with her. We started spending A LOT of time together, we talked about really intimate things, etc. I started developing feelings for her. We talked them, and she said she felt them too, but she was married and couldnīt act on them. at the same time, he started inviting me to visit museums, etc. We started spending more and more time together, but I didnīt feel anything for him. Then, one day, he declared his love to me, and he kissed me. I felt my world turned upside down. i told him we couldnīt do that, and nothing else happened. I continued to spend time with her, and felt stronger feelings for her. We started going to my house. We spent some days together, in bed, just wathching movies, reading, talking, etc. We started caressing each other, but she kept saying we couldnīt do more than that. At the same time, he kept insisting he wanted to be with me. We kissed and had a lot of intimacy (Iīm being vague on purpose). He dindīt know what I was living with her, and she didnīt know what I was livivng with him. I told her we should tell him, but she refused.
Then , one day, she discovered what was happening between him and me. She confronted him, and he phoned me. They talked as a couple and he said he was in love with me, but that he didnīt want to see me again because he didnīt want to put his marriege at risk. So, she said we could continue to be friends (him and me) as long as we didnīt haave physical intimacy. She didnīt tell him what she had be doing with me.
She then confronted me. She cried a lot..we both cried a lot. I told her what I felt for him, and what I felt for her. I told her I wanted to be with both of them. She kissed me and we had sex. I was so confused, because I thought she was going to end our friendship. I told her I didnīt want to be her mistress, and she told me we were going to be girlfriends. We made an agreement. I can have as many partners as I want, and we will continue to be together. She will continue to be with her husband, and I can continue to be friends with him, but I cantīsleep with him. The only rules are that I donīt have sex with him, and he canīt know what is happening between us. That has to continue being a secret, as she doesntī want to tell him what she feels for me.
That was 2 months ago. Since then, she and I have been having a steady girlfriend relationship. We have made two trips together, to spend the weekend . We also spend one day a week together.
I have continued to see him, as friends. He hides from her and doesnīt want to tell her we meet, even though she said she had no problem with that. I tell her every time we meet, even if he doesnīt. He says he still has feelings for me. He says he loves me. he tries to kiss me, touch me, etc. I try to tell him no, but the truth is I love him too. I like being kissed by him and I like being with him. I like that he writes to me and phones me and is very gentle and caring. But, at the same time, I donīt want to lose her. She has made very clear that everything will end if I get involved with him again. I love him but I really really love her. My feelings for her are stronger than my feeling for him, but I still love him.
I just feel so confused. I donīt understand how I can feel so strongly for both of them.
I donīt know how to deal with her being with him without being jealous.
I donīt like deceiving him and not telling him i love his wife.
I dontīlike being a secret and i donīt like that she has to hide to be with me
I donīt know how to manage the pain and loneliness y feel everytime I have to say goodbye to her, knowing she will go to bed with him. I feel so lenely. Everything is so intense when Iīm with her, and then, everything just disappears.
I donīt know how to be with him without feeling what I feel,
I sometimes feel Iīm no more that a plaything for the coulpe, but at the same time, I feel like a pathetic homewrecker. I am so afraid of destroying their relationship, I really like their reklationshio and I really want them to contunue to be together, I just donīt want to be excluded, and i do feel jealous sometimes.
I see they are just as confused as I am. This is new for them too, and we just donīt know what to do. She feels insecure and he knows nothing about what is really happening.
Well, I have a lot more to say, but this is really long. I really really hope you can answer me and give me some perspective on this. I hope my long message doesnīt make you stop reading.
Thank you so much for reading this.
Well my friend. It sounds like you have come to the right place :D Your story is not unlike others here who are on a similar journey. Yet there is a big difference, it sounds like you would make a great triad if everyone gave up the lying, deceit and needless assumptions and ownership crap. Ususally when people cheat there is no hope for a successful triad, with you three there is a big difference, because the cheating that is going on is between you all. Only because no one wants to fess up...
This could all be so possible if everyone started being honest. Why is that so hard for them and you? I don't get it. What is the purpose in hiding everything? It seems rather ridiculous that you are all going behind each others back to love each other when you all love each other. Its love! Love is good! Why taint it with cheating? Especially when it isn't a matter of one person is left out of the loop! You all love each other, usually people come on here cheating because one person IS left out of love. You don't have this situation, so give it up and start making plans to all be together.
I don't see why anything has to change here other than everything go from being underground to above ground. You can have your night/day with each of them and the only difference be that they know about it. If there are other boundaries that need to be discussed, discuss them. Take the bull by the horns and get talking.
I can't stress enough how this could be so wonderful just by being honest and open. I have never seen a situation that could be so right where cheating is concerned. Its actually making me have goose bumps to know that you could all have something so special if only you would all get over whatever this hang up is that you have....
Do some reading here and see what other triads go through.. start with a tag search for "triad" and maybe "cheating".. then I would suggest reading about how to create a healthy foundation for a relationship by doing a tag search for "foundations" and "lessons" you will find many ideas and can take or leave what you like... add to the list if you think of something else too please, as sharing what works is so helpful to others.
Like the others, I think this could be a great triad if everyone could be honest. I think you should talk to them about polyamory. Get them to open up somewhat. If you don't get everyone acting honestly, it will probably end badly.
I will keep my fingers crossed for you.
Thank you soooo much for answering my post. I had so much hope in getting the type of responses you wrote. I really appreciate them. The moment I read I had come to the right place, I felt so relieved. Itīs so important to feel other peolpe understand and have gone through similar experiences.
Now, as to what you all tell me. I agree. I had never seen everything so clear, but now I know whatīs wrong with our arrangements. The problem isnīt that Iīm jealous, or that we canīt be together all the time. The problem is the cheating. I feel so lonely because Iīm underground. I feel a lot of pressure by having to keep so many secrets and live hiding the most important thing in my life from everyone else. I canīt even touch her when we are out in public, because she just feels so guilty.
So, I now know what I would really like to live. I think thatīs a really big step..But, how do I get there?
I have discussed the possibility of opening our feelings with him. He was very clear and told me he would never do that. He told me he really loves me, but would rather go through the pain of never seeing my again before risking his marriage and having the possibility of making her feel insecure. I can understand him, because he doesnīt know what she is doing with me.He says I am young and that gives me a great advantage in her eyes (I disagree). She is a bit fat and he is scared our differences in body shape will make her feel inadequate. I think she is absolkutely beautiful and I think this idea is completely stupid, but I can undestrand his fear.
I have also discussed this issue with her. She knows what I feel for both of them, and she knows what he feels for me. She says she feels vey insecure and she feels she would feel very jealous. She is very scared of all the new things. This is her first lesbian relationship and she says itīs very difficult for her to process that. She also says they have been living a closed relationship for 30 years, and she doesnīt want to talk these things with him. I can understand all that, and I can imagine how difficult it would be to have to question everything that you have built for so long. I donīt understand why they canīt talk about their feelings, but that is how it is, and I donīt know what to do with that. Do you think itīs a matter of time? Do you think itīs my place to try to talk these things with them, or do you think I should just let them talk them out as a couple? The problem is, they donīt talk. I have been talking with her about this. I have been very sincere about what I feel, but do you think that is all I can do? We have also talked a lot about her "selfishness". She says she feels very guilty for being so selfish and not wanting to share what we are living. She asks me if I thinks itīs selfish, and I tell her I do, but I would rather live with that selfishness than lose her. What do you think about that? Iīm scared I will lose myself and turn into this woman that just letīs her partner do anything to her, just because sheīs afraid of losing her...is that what iīm doing?
We have also talked about the inequity in our relationships. She says she feels bad for giving me so little and asking me to remain a secret. She says she realizes her need of being a secret is just as valid as my need of being public, but she says she canīt do anything different to what she is doing. She says she is scared I am going to get tired of this situation and decide to leave. I tell her I canīt tell her that wonīt happen, and that I really hope we can build something solid that can last, and that Iīm not sure if I will be able to live this situation for very long.What do you think? Do you think itīs just a matter of time until she feels more secure? As long as I tell her how I feel?
Now, as to what happens to me..I am SOOOOOOOO scared they will talk everytinhg out, realize they want to be together, and leave be outside. I really wish they could talk about their feelings between them , and towards me, but I am sooo scared too. What if they realize iīm not worth it? What if they start communicating between them, and no longer need me? And what if they decide to open the relationship? Will I be able to live siomething so "open"? Iīm just so scared. But I feel as if I keep hearing them and undestanding them, and no one listens to my fears.
Today, I told her I had found this forum and that i felt very relieved about having someone to talk to. We talked about it and I asked her why she needed to keep everything a secret. She sais she didnīt know, but she promided to think it over. We are going to talk about it on thursdar. I love that we can talk these things, even if things dontīchange (at least immediately). She also asked me for help in trying to find a similar forum for her, so I think thatīs will be a great step for her too. Iīm not sure if I will give her this forummm..what do you think? Part of me wants her to read what I wrote, but part of me wants to have a private place where I can say everything without fear . What do you think?
Well, this message is really long, again. I hope you still read it andgive me your opinions. Thant you SOOOOOOOOOOOOO SOOOOOOOOOO much for your support
I forgot to tell you I agree completely in that itīs ridiculous to be hiding behing each otherīs backs. I also forgot to tell you I will start reading today what you suggested, and I might print it and share it with them. Thank you so much for those suggestions.
If being honest and open with both of them is of primary importance to you, then you should honor that. Be true to yourself.
I were you, I would surprise them with a visit at home, at a time when you know both of them will be there, and just walk in and say, "Look you two, we need to talk. I'm with both of you. Let's be honest with each other about what's been going on or I will leave right now and neither of you will see me again." And mean it. Walk out and don't look back if they are unwilling to discuss it.
Because although love and sex can be gratifying, you are obviously tormented by the dishonesty. You need to maintain your integrity, not give in to their stupidity. Really, all these secrets and whispers is just a ridiculous thing to have to put yourself through. I keep picturing you running back and forth between the two of them like you're in a Marx Brothers movie or French farce or something. If it wasn't your actual life it would be a comedy of errors!
I laughed a lot at your marx brothers reference. thatīs exactly how i feel, and I also feel itīs very comical.
I just talked to her (via skype). I opened the possibility of telling him whatīs happening. We talked a lot about our fears, both at losing our relationship and about being dishonest. She says sheīs scared he wonīt understand and will ask her either to stop seeing me or propose that they separate and get a divorce. I dontīknow what to tell her. I told her I donīt think that would happen, but that I really canīt know that. What can I tell her to make her feel more secure? Have you lived something similar, living in a closed relationship for a long time and being scared of opening it?
I told her about your responses...we agreed Iīm going to print your responses and some of the things you suggested I read, and we are going to read them together and talk about them. Iīm so nervous. My hands keep shaking. She says she really likes the idea of reading similar stories and trying to understand our process. We are going to my house on thursday and we are going to talk. Iīm sure a lot of things will happen between then and now, but at least on thursday everything will be a bit clearer
Oh! Iīm having second thoughts! What if he feels so angry and betrayed I end up losing both of them? What if we try to open our relationships, it doesnīt work out, and they drift apart as a couple? I donīt want to do that to them!
Iīm so scared!
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