Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=879)

BelueTopaz 09-29-2009 11:23 PM

help
 
I'm new to this world and need advice.

My boyfriend & I have been living together for almost 5 years in a monogamous relationship. The last year was pretty tough because he seemed to be pulling away from me.

About 6 weeks ago, he admitted that he'd fallen in love with a friend. He'd been trying to fight the feelings for quite some time, but couldn't stop. He loves me more than he ever has, but also loves someone else. He even researched online to discover that he is experiencing polyamory. We realized that because he had been trying to shut down his feelings for C, he was also shutting down his love for me; because he can't love one without the other.

To make a long story short; I came to the conclusion that this was a good thing. He's so happy with her and he's been so loving & attentive with me. He made sure that I understood that he can't love one and not love the other; that the love he feels for both of us is totally intertwined. About two weeks ago she moved several states away and will be away for several months. So, this past weekend they met halfway to spend alone time together for the first time. I was excited for them both and looking forward to a couple of days to myself.

Unfortunately, by Sunday morning the "green-eyed monster" had taken me over and I am so ashamed, but I left him some very hateful messages because he hadn't called me.

I hurt him to the core and he's ready to break up with both of us and close himself down because "he doesn't know how to pick up the pieces." I don't know what to do! I don't want him to give up; it wouldn't be good for any of us!

Any advice?

AutumnalTone 09-30-2009 03:07 AM

Welcome to the boards.

Have you sat down and discussed exactly what you each expect from your relationships?

It reads to me that you expected him to stay in contact with you and felt abandoned because he didn't. I'll also hallucinate that he expected to not have to stay in contact with you when off with her.

That's the sort of thing to negotiate beforehand. You have to describe what you need to feel secure so that everybody knows and everybody can negotiate how to specifically provide that. He also has to describe what he needs and everybody help find solutions. And she also has to...I think you get the picture.

The only way relationships work well--particularly those involving more than two people--is for everybody involved to offer up what they need so that everybody else can help provide it. It's no place for magical thinking of any sort ("if he loved me, he'd know/do X")--relationships require open, honest communication, at all times and under all circumstances.

Fidelia 09-30-2009 03:22 AM

Have you listened to him express his brokenheartedness and tried to understand the depth of his pain and sorrow?

Have you apologized for behaving hatefully? Sincerely, lovingly and repeatedly?

Have you examined your heart to find out why you became so jealous you lashed out that way?

And made a plan with your others to help you avoid such toxic emotions?

Or come to an agreement as to acceptable ways to communicate your needs and desires so as to avoid a meltdown in the future?

These are all things that may help.

Good luck to you all.

live4themusic 09-30-2009 06:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeventhCrow (Post 7951)
I'll also hallucinate that he expected to not have to stay in contact with you when off with her.

sounds like quite the hallucination you're having :D

I think you've been very supportive given that you both entered the relationship with a monogamous understanding. We're not perfect and I think the fact that you feel ashamed for reacting the way you did and (I assume) have told him that and apologized to him speaks miles. I think in the end he will be willing to work things out with you, and come to a better understanding with you of what you each expect and are willing to offer.

If he breaks up with you over some hurtful things you said once you've apologized, and expresses an unwillingness to try to work things out with you, then it could be that he is coming to find that he doesn't really feel the way he expressed to you he did upon entering the relationship with the other girl, because, at least from my perspective, if he truly loves you wholeheartedly he will try to make things work with you if you match him in effort.

Tech 09-30-2009 12:57 PM

BelueTopaz,

I'm quite new to all this as well.
Your situation sounds familiar to me (aside from it being F-M-F in your case and M-F-M in mine).

I do anticipate that someday my wife and I will make plans for her to spend a weekend (or longer) with her new love. It already pains me in anticipation, and I am always upfront and honest when we discuss this. But I also know how important it is for them so it becomes (by proxy) important to me.

As has been said already though, it would be best to set expectations prior to parting ways. Then if he doesn't call you, you have every right to hold his feet to the fire, lol.

I also know with my wife and her love that when they are together their new relationship energy is very strong, and it is very easy to get jealous towards that. Alot of people here know what you are going through, you're in good company. :)

Best of luck!
Tech

AutumnalTone 10-01-2009 03:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by live4themusic (Post 7971)
sounds like quite the hallucination you're having :D

Yup. The only way we can know why somebody did or didn't do something is to ask them. Any time we guess, we're simply hallucinating what could have led to it. I think it good practice to keep firmly in mind that we are hallucinating when we guess what somebody else was thinking.

BelueTopaz 10-01-2009 10:43 PM

Thank you all so much! You gave me the courage to not give up. We have come to an understanding; he has forgiven my outburst and we're moving forward! :)

I feel so much better and myself. I'm now figuring out what I need and am becoming more comfortable telling M about my needs. :p What a GREAT feeling!

Thank you all again!

Rarechild 10-05-2009 07:35 PM

Late to the party :)
 
Welcome to the forum and congratulations on your success. Let it help you build a whole new way of thinking.


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:14 AM.