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-   -   Completely Confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8780)

ThreeDollarBill 04-14-2011 06:43 PM

Completely Confused
 
Hello, I've never actually been in a polyamorous relationship before; I've always been a one girl girl. The only thing is, I have developed feelings for a girl who is polyamorous and currently has a boyfriend. She wants a girlfriend and since we've known each other for a while, I guess we've both sort of started to have feelings for each other. Since I've never been in a relationship like this before, I don't really know how I feel about this situation. And I don't really know anything about polyamorous relationships. Quite honestly, I'm scared of the idea. But I really like her, and do want a relationship with her. Since that is a part of who she is and who she always will be, I've decided that I'm giving this a large amount of thought instead of immediately shying away from the idea.

That being said, any input/advice/thoughts...would be amazing. This girl is important to me and I don't have a clue about any of this really. Thanks -Three

BlackUnicorn 04-14-2011 06:52 PM

Hullo and welcome!

Your first task would be to look around and see what catches your interest. Maybe starting with what is polyamory and how it is different/similar to other forms of consensual non-monogamy. Getting to know the lingo can really open many doors, so check out the glossaries.

From how you've described your relationship, it seems you are mono looking to get involved in a vee with you as the secondary. So any of those might be a good tag search idea; mono/poly, vee, secondary/secondaries. Mono is a straight mono guy in a relationship with redpepper, who has been poly throughout the relationship. Check out his posts for ideas of what to expect.

Never fear, there is information and support available!

neurotictim 04-14-2011 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThreeDollarBill (Post 76269)
Quite honestly, I'm scared of the idea. But I really like her, and do want a relationship with her. Since that is a part of who she is and who she always will be, I've decided that I'm giving this a large amount of thought instead of immediately shying away from the idea.

You're on the right track. Right away I admire that you're willing to step back from your immediate reaction and actually give thought to the situation, and I wish more people (in general) were like you.

I think you should consider what you want/expect out of a relationship with this person, and whether or not the fact that she's dating someone else will be a significant problem. The most important thing here is communication - you'll see that all over this board - as long as you can rationally, maturely discuss things, including expectations, you should be fine. It's also important to know what you're comfortable with vs. what you're not comfortable with in a relationship. These will change during the course of ANY relationship, but still something you need to actively think about every now and then.

My last bit of advice, which will seem contradictory to what I've just said, is to find your "go with it" mentality. You'll never know if you don't try. IME, life is a journey, not a destination. It's meant to be experienced, not raced through to the finish in front of the pack. :shrug:

As I said above, I think you're off to a good start, now TALK to her about what you're thinking.

Good luck!

redpepper 04-14-2011 11:00 PM

hi there and welcome. My question is, do you know the boyfriend? Is he aware of you? Do you and he get along okay? What does he think or all this?

Once those questions are out of the way and you have the green light to start something with her then I would ask yourself, what do I want from a partner? Do I want to spend every waking moment with them or am I okay going about my life and seeing her every now and then... the reality is with poly that time is a huge issue. It will be cut in half for her. Well actually three as part of that time she needs to spend on herself. If you are an independent person that enjoys having your own life and interests then you should be good. If this is something you could handle and be willing to embrace, then you could be good to go...

I would also wonder if you are interested in finding someone else who is mono and are keeping her around until you find someone suitable to you, or are you interested in poly and would look for other partners. Some poly people get really hurt when a partner ditches them after their mono partner finds someone else that is mono... if you care about her, it could be something to consider before getting involved.


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