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Tech 09-29-2009 06:38 PM

Howdy
 
Hello there, just signed up for the forums today.
My wife found these boards a bit ago, but I don't know if she has signed up or posted yet, I didn't see any familiar stories. :)

I wanted to share a bit about our story, and any thoughts/advice are always appreciated.

I am straight, see myself as monogamous, but an interested swinger. I don't know if I could love someone else, and doubt I could ever love them as much as I love my wife.

My wife is a straight (but bi-curious) recently-discovered polyamorous girl. She loves me with all her heart, and recently also has fallen in love with another man.

"He" is a 31 year old straight, probably monogamous guy who fell in love with my wife, lives 2 states away, is respectful of our marriage, is happy to have as much time with her as life allows, and is committed to sticking "this" out as long as possible (whatever this is or becomes).

Her and I are both 32, and next month will have been married 10 years. For the first 9 years we were oblivious of other options and were a happy (although bored) monogamous couple. I would comment to her about experimenting with swinging or including another couple or person to have fun with, but that never came to anything other than talk.

This year has been quite the eye-opener though. After a couple of failed attempts to find a suitable FWB, she finally gave up - and naturally that's when she met him. He is a wonderful guy in many ways. And as I've said a number of times in the recent past, IF she has to be in a relationship with another guy, I don't think I could think up someone better.

All three of us communicate very well, which has helped immensely in "figuring all this out". I've had to deal (and continue to deal) with jealousy, possessiveness, and mourning not having as much time with her as I used to. She has had to deal with new feelings, coming to terms with a new social label, and trying to balance two men with needs of time and attention. He (I would presume) is dealing with re-defining his expectations of a relationship and jealously towards my time with her. And all of us were brought up in conservative christian families and are trying to deal with the what-ifs of coming out and how that would impact life.

What we have here is an obvious "V" with my wife at the middle. He and I are *very* comfortable with each other and see each other as great friends. The three of us have spent two weekends together so far. Typically our intimate time is spent with all three of us, but I do try hard to find ways/reasons to excuse myself and give them some time-for-two periodically. This is exceptionally hard for me to do, and I struggle every time. It's not natural for me to put distance between me and her, but I feel that for them to have a normal relationship I cannot be there all the time, yet I want to be (I'm sure this is the controlling part of my personality coming out).

Sorry that this is so long. It could be 10x longer easily, but as an introduction this is a good start. I've read a few posts and this seems like a warm, happy, healthy relationship-building forum. As we grow this relationship, it's nice to know that this forum will give honest, constructive feedback on any issues we'd like help with.

Thanks. :)
Tech

Fidelia 09-29-2009 06:43 PM

Hiya, Tech. Welcome to the forum!

greenearthal 09-29-2009 07:25 PM

I imagine that two weekends together is not enough experience to know conclusively whether things are getting easier for you over time. Maybe you have enough experience with her visiting him alone that you know whether that gets easier over time (it's hard to derive from your original post).

In either case, it sounds like the three of you all have "the stuff" that long term polyamorous relationships are made of. Congratulations on finding your way forward to arrive at here and now. It all sounds very scary and intense and sincere and compassionate so far. Here's to hoping that you all find more of what you're looking for.

LovingRadiance 09-29-2009 08:05 PM

Welcome to the board. I'm new here too. It's been nice meeting people on the forum and reading all the different stories too!

Tech 09-30-2009 11:15 AM

Thanks for the 'welcomes' Fidelia & LovingRadiance!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by greenearthal (Post 7920)
I imagine that two weekends together is not enough experience to know conclusively whether things are getting easier for you over time. Maybe you have enough experience with her visiting him alone that you know whether that gets easier over time (it's hard to derive from your original post).

In either case, it sounds like the three of you all have "the stuff" that long term polyamorous relationships are made of. Congratulations on finding your way forward to arrive at here and now. It all sounds very scary and intense and sincere and compassionate so far. Here's to hoping that you all find more of what you're looking for.

Very intuitive post Al, yes, the two weekends have not given us near enough experience to know how long-term this is (and what we are able to adapt to and cope with), but it has opened our eyes to other choices and options in life than we previously thought possible. It has been all those things you said (scary, intense, sincere, and compassionate) and then some, haha. But we continue to discuss daily our thoughts, fears, and hopes.

Thank you for your response and best wishes! It's going to be a long road, but it's nice to see others have traveled it and have some experiences to share also.

ourquad 09-30-2009 09:36 PM

Well, Tech, it looks like you have a good start going towards a polyamorous relationship to be included in your life. It truly helps that you get along so well with the other man. It seems you would genuinely like him regardless of if he were involved with your wife.

I come from much the same background as you do just of a longer duration. We were married 20 years when we started swinging and 22 when we met Tech and Kitten. We are at 25 years now married.

You mentioned something in your post that I thought was very insightful. It took me a long time to realize that was one of the things I had been feeling. You are in mourning. I totally understand that. Even if your new path is something you are embracing, I think it is natural to feel the mourning process.

Good luck to you all and welcome to the forum!

Vol

Rarechild 10-05-2009 07:51 PM

Welcome to the Forum
 
Glad to have you. :)


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