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-   -   Nice to know I'm not just a "whore" (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8725)

stargazer23 04-13-2011 05:52 PM

Nice to know I'm not just a "whore"
 
My whole life, I've had trouble with the following, anguished, inner question: "Why can't I just love them BOTH?!?"

More than once, I have found myself in a happy, loving relationship, only to meet others, become absolutely enamored and have the urge to explore...all without wanting to lose the current lover. I have found myself fantasizing that they just "let me taste." Eventually, becoming inwardly frustrated at what I perceived was the impossibility of this request and outwardly resentful to the s/o for reasons I usually never even hinted at, I would cheat, end the relationship or both.

It never occurred to me that there was world outside of the monogamous relationship formula. I volunteered with the Gay community from a young age (18) where I worked to create awareness that sexual orientation is not a choice (I myself am a Bi-curious female with men being my primary attachment) so in hindsight, it's kind of crazy to me that I would spend so many years "in the closet" so to speak about my own orientation as a non-monogamous creature.

I have been called every name in the book, from "whore" to "selfish cunt." I have been accused of being a "serial monogamist"--someone who throws herself completely into a committed relationship then burns out and throws herself into another. I have to say, this has been at times a fair assessment.

About seven years ago I became involved with a subculture notorious for libertarian ideals. Within this subculture, a couple years later, I became friends with a group of people who have been in the past, sexually liberated with one another: They have exchanged partners interchangeably on a mainly monogamous basis over the years--everyone has dated everyone else with little residual drama. All have a deep regard and respect for one another and while many have moved on to more traditional monogamous relationships, they remain open-minded and accepting of the few who remain otherwise. Miracle of miracles, these lovely people let me into their inner circle.

So, it was about five years ago, that I became particularly close with one of this group's members. I had just begun to label myself "not capable of monogamy" and had all these theories about the divorce rate and whether or not human beings were built to be monogamous, but I still didn't "get" the concept of polyamory as a valid orientation. I was loosely aware of "swinging" as a lifestyle choice but sadly, retained a lot of biases and 70s-era stereotypes in my head about this.

So this person, we'll call him "rockstar," is a very busy musician type but very, very bright. At some point, he disclosed to me his "lifestyle" as a swinger and we began to have earnest, intelligent conversations on the topic. I finally felt comfortable talking about my "humans as non-monogamist animals" theories, and later, after he'd validated a lot of my intellectual feelings on the matter, I felt comfortable redefining myself. I am so grateful for this friendship.

My current set of challenges involve "coming out" to myself and finally, to my soon-to-be-ex-husband who has very traditional, monogamist values. All attempts at frank, rational conversation with him on the topic led to more and more mistrust and restrictions and finally, to violent arguing (things thrown, lots of screaming) and verbal abuse.

I am now working on putting myself in a financially stable situation so that I can move with my son to New Orleans--a city more accepting of my "proclivities" where I have friends and am happy.

I am new to this, but I think I'm comfortable with the following ideal:

1. I want a "primary" with whom I am also the "primary."
2. I'm pretty sure I want a non-monogamous but secure, committed relationship with this primary where there are "safe sex circle" rules.
3. I want both myself and the primary to be free to have both sexual intimacy as well as the liberty to love others of each primary's choosing--so long as the primary relationship is not placed at risk.
4. I want ALL parties to be treated with the same amount of respect and love and honesty. The "satellite" relationships might not have as much choice in the workings of my relationship with my "primary," but their feelings will matter. Their rights and value will matter.

"Rockstar" has become a pivotal person in my life, BTW...a sort of mentor, friend, outlet and role-model among other things, so remember that name because he will come up in my future posts here.

For now, I appreciate the existence of this outlet and what ever healthy information I can glean here that will help me develop my sense of self and avoid some painful mistakes along the way.

Thank all of you for existing.

AutumnalTone 04-14-2011 12:00 AM

Welcome aboard.

LovingRadiance 04-14-2011 03:21 AM

welcome to the board. ;)

stargazer23 04-14-2011 11:55 AM

Thanks, y'all.

Like I said, this is new to me. I would appreciate any input/advice y'all have.

Carma 04-14-2011 03:10 PM

Hey, me too! Was hated and called a whore since 8th grade. I loved boys. I still do. BoyS. :eek: Here I find there's a book called The Ethical Slut. Never knew there could be such a thing! But I know I've found a place where I belong. All those years of shame are finally over.

Welcome!

nycindie 04-14-2011 06:27 PM

I grew up with a last name that rhymed with the word "whore." Let me just tell you, my junior high years were torture. I still hate that word, but am kinda liking the word "slut" now.

Penny 04-14-2011 07:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 76268)
I grew up with a last name that rhymed with the word "whore." Let me just tell you, my junior high years were torture. I still hate that word, but am kinda liking the word "slut" now.

I love being a slut. Ain't never been a whore.

Oooh, and it's Threesome Thursday tonight! Yay!

BlackUnicorn 04-14-2011 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stargazer23 (Post 76212)
Like I said, this is new to me. I would appreciate any input/advice y'all have.

Why not start a thread on the New to Polyamory section if you have a specific question in mind, or look around for a bit to see if there are other members' stories that resonate with your own?

Oops, sorry, I saw you did just that! Will now go and investigate.

'Whore', like any label, only holds power over you as long as you are afraid of the label and accept all the shame that goes with it. I've been called a stupid/fucked-up whore so many times in my life that I am rather immunized to the word. If a whore/slut is used by somebody to describe women who are sexual beings and take the responsibility that comes with it, then it should be embraced, and every time somebody smiles back with the 'Well yes, I think I rather am', it loses a little of it's power.

stargazer23 04-14-2011 09:20 PM

I kinda dig the ironic "slut" moniker...it's just the earnest use of the word "whore" on behalf of family and enemies that stings.

I've been meaning to read that book since I saw it on Coke Talk. It's about time I pick it up, methinks.

Carma 04-14-2011 10:43 PM

nycindie,

OMG! I had a last name that started with Hor-- and my junior high years were torture, as well!!!

I changed my name to my step-dad's last name because of it, and my bio dad was very hurt. To this day, he does not know it had nothing to do with my feelings for him :( I've thought about telling him the truth about it, but I'm not sure he would feel much better knowing that his daughter was being teased and bullied like that, because of A) his last name, and B) the fact that I was boy-crazy possibly because I was missing HIM.

I think the distinction is a whore gets paid, a slut doesn't. So technically, I was never a whore. I just crushed on boys like crazy, and if they crushed back, wasn't that ok? I was very pretty and the girls hated my guts. My mom would say they were jealous of me but I could NOT understand that at all. (Just realized -- maybe that is part of why I have never become a jealous person, myself?) I never thought they had anything to be jealous of -- I was pretty but I had very low confidence, plus I thought there were so many beautiful people all around me, I never felt exceptional or anything.

I had a baby my sophomore year and we read The Scarlett Letter. I identified with Hester Prynne. I never understood how people could be so judgemental and hateful to girls who were giving love to boys, and hoping to be loved in return. How is that so horribly bad?

I may have been a slut but I was never a bitch! :p (Although I must admit I am finally developing my own brand of bitchiness, at last -- I think it's called growing a backbone :rolleyes: )


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