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-   -   I don't know if help is needed (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=871)

JonnyAce 09-29-2009 05:23 AM

I don't know if help is needed
 
So i've been thinking about this issue lately, and i honestly don't know if i can get advice,or if i just need to bounce this off you folks. I hope you don't mind.

A few weeks ago i went to lunch with my mom, and we were discussing why my previous relationship ended. My mother had become good friends w/my gf,as she tends to get too invested in my relationships. One of the things i mentioned to her was that monogamy wasn't really for me. I explained to her that poly was the romantic lifestyle that worked for me. She was upset by this, and told me she didn't know if she could accept this about me. She also told me that she wouldn't be able to have more than 1 of my loves at her house at the same time, whether i was in a V,or a Triad. She also said that she was disappointed in me. That one hurt the most.

Now before everyone goes all "here's why your mom is wrong" let me give you some crucial background. My parents were married for 18 yrs. one of the biggest things that led to their divorce is the fact that my dad cheated on her, b'c he didn't know what poly was, and did what society deems more acceptable. I explained to her that what i want/need is not cheating, and what my father did was absolutely wrong.

After their divorce he identified as poly, and obviously is open, and encouraging of my epiphany that poly is who i am. So i guess i'm lucky that at least 1 parent is accepting of who i am. i also have a sister, and while i haven't discussed it with her, i assume she'll be mostly understanding as her, and my bro-in-law are in the swinging lifestyle.

ok i've ranted enough for now. :p I'm more than happy to hear anyone's thoughts on all of this, as i don't have too many people to bounce this off of. I've already discussed this with JC (my gf), and that's about it.

JA

vandalin 09-29-2009 07:00 AM

This sounds like something similar to what I get to look forward to if/when I tell my mom. My mom lives with us though. My parents were married for about 18 years as well and my dad got back together with his ex-fiance behind my mom's back. Although he isn't poly I am curious as to how my mom, who normally is very open to alternative lifestyles, will react to find out her daughter is interested in men other than her husband.

I have a feeling that a lot of what your mom is feeling, isn't necessarily about you, especially with your dad coming out as poly. Your mom may still equate, if not logically then emotionally, that poly=cheating. With luck it will just take some time and some "proof" of how it works for you.

Good luck!

JonnyAce 09-29-2009 07:32 AM

I agree that what my mom is feeling goes back 15 yrs. to the end of her marriage, i just wish she could see past that and actually mean it when she says all she wants for her kids is for them to be happy. unfortunately very similar to my grandmother, on my fathers side, she wants her kids to be happy as long as what they do falls into her own idea of "what's right"

greenearthal 09-29-2009 04:43 PM

I hope that your mom understands that you are not ganging up on her or picking "his side" rather than "her side" and that your lifestyle choice does not imply a judgement on her lifestyle choice or attempt to excuse or condone people lying to one another.

Lemondrop 09-30-2009 03:05 AM

Really I think you should give her some time. I'm very sorry that she said that she was disappointed in you--perhaps what she meant was that she was disappointed that you would willingly choose to do something that hurt her so much when your father did it.

Moms typically want the best for their children, even if they don't agree with their lifestyle choices. Give her some time to see that you aren't interested in anything hurtful and that your lifestyle works. If you find yourself in a quandry--like, trying to figure out how to pick one partner to go with you to her house, you can find a creative solution like opting for a hotel room and bringing both partners. I would want to expose her to both of my lovers so that she could see that you're a family, but that's up to you. My bet is that eventually she will see that no one is getting hurt and that everyone is actually happy. Even if she doesn't, she loves you, and I'm sure she will find a way to be okay.

My mother was VERY upset when she found out I was Pagan. It went against everything she believed in, and actually sounds a bit to my family like I'm crazy. (One brother literally said that I'm doing too many drugs.) But many years later, she's used to it and keeps telling random people about me. (She outed me at a family reunion in rural Kansas. Thanks Mom.) I'm just saying, moms will do a lot to be okay with their kids, but sometimes it takes a little bit to get used to it.

JonnyAce 09-30-2009 06:07 AM

i just had a moment of realization, that i'm not only concerned with the fact of my mom's issues, with polyamory and that if JC, or myself, or both of us together find a new love, or loves she would have a hard time accepting it.

(When i 1st told her that JC was my gf, she asked "who else are you dating?" i had to explain to her that i wasn't with anyone else, but that we weren't in a monogamous relationship).

I'm more concerned that our relationship will deteriorate, as it has in the past. on multiple occasions my mother and i have been on non-speaking terms, and both of us have worked very hard at having the healthy relationship we have now. Most of the time when we weren't speaking it was my choice, and it usually dealt with her not accepting a part of my lifestyle. I'm somewhat of the "black sheep"of the family, but i absolutely will not take it laying down when anyone doesn't accept of my lifestyle. i choose to remove the negativity from my life, whether it's my mom, or a stranger.

I really don't want this to happen again, and I just hope that if a situation comes up where we butt heads about my lifestyle choices that we're both willing to talk about it, because while i honestly have no problem cutting her off, i think we're both too old to be doing it anymore.


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