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-   -   Learning more, a little nervous (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=849)

LovingRadiance 09-25-2009 07:15 PM

Learning more, a little nervous
I popped on here yesterday and made a few comments. I was looking to read other people's stories before having a serious conversation with my husband last night at dinner.

We've known each other for 21 years, together for 11, married 10.

I was honest with him when we were dating that I am bi and that my last relationship was an open relationship. I have been upfront with him that while I do love him-I am also in love with my best friend.

We each have a child from a previous relationship (mine 18 in two days, his 13) and we have one of our own (biological) who is 9 and a "sperm donor" baby who is 2. The two year old is the biological child of myself and my best friend-but we didn't have sex to create her, we did the donor method.

Early on in our marriage his ex-wife caused a LOT of issues-they drug their custody battle through the courts for nearly 9 years. In the midst of that he would leave to work out of town (not job requirement) and leave me to deal with her. She tried twice to kidnap my daughter, filed countless false allegations of abuse against me, called (32 times in 1 hour once) to harass me endlessly and would show up and pound on the walls of our home (outside) screaming obscenities etc. His reaction was "I just can't handle her. I'm sorry." and he would leave. During that time after she tried to get my daughter I sent my daughter to my dad in another state. That was very trying for her and I. I was suicidal and truly not capable of making sensible decisions. I had an affair with my best friend.

We have since done counseling-had a 1 year seperation (this was 7 years ago) and moved on. But it certainly put a damper on our relationship and broke down trust completely.

Anyway-we moved past that and my best friend moved in with us 4 years ago and that seems to work fairly well. But it's tiring having to worry about "what will people think". I don't care, but hubby generally does.
I was feeling very.... freakish about how "different" I am from anyone we know and it was causing serious depression issues. Yesterday I went online and started doing searches to find people like me.

Last night we talked a long time (just hubby and I)-his only real concerns are "what will people think if I say it's ok for you to have sex with him too" and "I feel like I'm losing something" but he can't define WHAT he's losing. He did say he would work on that.

Anyway-that's where I am in life and I hope to make some friends on here that have a better understanding of what it's like to deal with being in love with two people at the same time.

Thanks for "listening". :)

HappiestManAlive 09-25-2009 07:22 PM

Has your husband read anything about these types of relationships?

LovingRadiance 09-25-2009 08:20 PM

As of yesterday, yes. But prior to that no.
I struggled with not knowing how to describe "me" to him for years. We've talked till I feel like I'm turning blue and gotten no where because he just thought "man you are SO WEIRD" which of course did nothing for me.

Anyway-yesterday morning I got up and started searching for info online. I had met someone on a message board who used the term polyamorous which I hadn't heard-but immediately I was like "OH that was the word I needed!". So I typed that into the search engine and found the website lovingmore. anyway-I copied a bunch of info from their website including definition of words (because he always brings up swinging and doesn't understand that I don't want to swing) and a whole long page about what polyamorous relationships ARE and what they are NOT.

He read all those emails before we went to talk. He said he was very intrigued and enlightened to find we have a polyfamily-because he always thought it was weird (our household set up) but didn't know why when it obviously works.

Little history-before best friend moved in my sister was our live-in. We had no sexual relationship with her of any kind-but she was definately "part of hte family" and it was just understood. Interestingly she's here again as she's in the middle of a divorce. At first hubby thought "OH MY GOD there will be 9 of us in the house" but since she moved in a few months ago things have been fine (yes we have a big house). Everyone gets along very well-the kids are very comfortable with both of the other adults who are also very close. They call them auntie and uncle and its SO nice to be able to just run off on a dime togther because we know that there are other adults who can watch them.

Wow-that got long, sorry. :o I tend to be long winded in person as well.

HappiestManAlive 09-25-2009 09:42 PM

Have you found the "Polyamory FAQ" on xeromag.com yet? Best ever!

LovingRadiance 09-26-2009 04:42 AM

No I haven't seen that-but I will check it out!
Thank you for the suggestion!

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