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-   -   Can this really work? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8487)

DobleVida13 04-06-2011 03:49 AM

Can this really work?
Hello all,

As you may have already deduced, I'm new to the forum and to the whole notion of polyamory, but have recently met someone who has inspired me to give it some serious thought.

Essentially, my husband and I decided to open up our relationship a few years ago. It was more of an experiment in pushing sexual boundaries and introducing new partners into our intimacy. Unfortunately, I was left feeling a little empty. Although I had had casual sexual relationships in the past, they always left me feeling the same way in the end - a little empty. We talked about it and I decided that the next time I did something like that, it would be with someone with whom I could create a loving, emotional bond. My husband understands that need and is not threatened by it (at least that's what he says). I need love and I have a lot of love to give.

Recently, I went looking for that special bond and met someone amazing. We formed an instant rapport and are very easy around each other. It's all very new and while both my husband and new friend have met and seem to be getting along, I know that there will come a day when they will disagree about something and I'll be caught in between both of them. The relationship dynamic between two people is challenging enough, let alone three.

Can this really work?:confused:

BlackUnicorn 04-06-2011 09:22 AM

Hullo and welcome!

Do a tag search on 'vees' and maybe 'secondary/secondaries/primary/primaries' as well and see what comes up.

What can you think of as being immediate sources of disagreement between your beaus?

redpepper 04-06-2011 08:04 PM

Welcome. Yes it can work.

There are a lot of great threads that could be very helpful. BU suggested some, and there are also ones on "lessons" and "foundations" that are good too.

Good luck

MrFarFromRight 04-06-2011 09:40 PM


Originally Posted by DobleVida13 (Post 74933)
Can this really work?:confused:

Can it blow up in your face? Yes.
Are you and your 2 loves willing to put some effort into making it work? Only the 3 of you can answer this... And actions speak louder than words.
Nobody's given a guarantee of success on any relationship - mono or poly - or if they are, the guarantee won't stand up in a court of law (or a "court of love").
Be positive. Don't look for problems that aren't there.

Temptress 04-06-2011 11:05 PM

New relationships can be scary, and there will always be worries. The best way to head it off is through open communication. If you think something might be an issue no matter how small it might be I would talk about it with your other partners.
So yes it can work, but all of you have to work at it.

Penny 04-07-2011 01:23 AM

Yes, it can work. I have been with my husband for 11 years and with my boyfriend for almost 9 months now. So far, so fantastic. It just keeps getting better and better. They have a really good relationship and my husband has stated that he thinks of my boyfriend as part of the family, which is totally cool by me.

nycindie 04-10-2011 05:59 PM


Originally Posted by DobleVida13 (Post 74933)
. . . while both my husband and new friend have met and seem to be getting along, I know that there will come a day when they will disagree about something and I'll be caught in between both of them.

Well, don't make your worries into a self-fulfilling prophecy! You never really know what the future holds. Yes, relationships are challenging, and the challenges could be quite be different from what one would expect in a monogamous relationship, but your two men might very well be compatible as friends. It's possible that any disagreements would be so much less stressful than you are now imagining they would be. I agree with MrFarFromRight when he said not to look for problems that aren't there.

Human beings tend to project into the future about what problems there might be, but we so often to forget that the future can be more wonderful than we could have ever hoped for!

Have you read any of the threads in the Blogs section? You might want to check out TruckerPete's and Indigomontoya's story, as well as Penny's, and Rarechild's/Charlie's/Catfish's. They are all in similar configurations to yours and their experiences and willingness to express what their processes have been are all very inspiring. Vodkafan doesn't have a blog but look for his posts, as he and his wife have really made their vee work quite well for them.

All the best to you! Keep coming here & asking questions!

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