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-   -   everyone thinks we are doomed... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8468)

girlcaleb 04-05-2011 02:21 PM

everyone thinks we are doomed...
hello all. long time since i've been on. i'll make it quick. i was in a long term poly/open relationship for the past three years. me and the man decided to break up. we are still great friends and live together. we both met new partners and we are both super happy. yes, i am poly. my new partner is mono but open to more in the future. i am currently happy to be mono with him. he understands that i love him and have control over my actions. just because i am open to multiple loves and partners does not mean i have to go around sexing everyone up.

my problem is everyone else. my ex/current roomie and i are doing just fine, but all of our friends are telling us we are crazy and stupid. that we are setting ourselves up for failure. what i don't understand is why... why are they all so negative?

these same people are all in relationships that they hate. married to people they don't love anymore. so i don't see why they are telling us that we are wrong for being happy.

i guess i'm just venting right now. my new bf told me last night that his best female friend (that has never met me) told him that "you always get yourself in to these situations. you are just going to get fucked over...etc"

why are folks so quick to tell us we are going to fall apart?

has anyone else dealt with this? at the moment my new bf and i are in a closed very satisfying relationship and so is my ex/roomie and his new girl. why are folks hating on all of us. my ex and his gf hang out with me. we all sit together on the sofa eating and gaming and what not. when my bf is in town he joins us. people can not wrap their heads around this. they almost seem mad. when they find out that me and my ex broke up they say "aww i'm sorry, i'm here for you... etc" but as soon as we say "oh, we are great. this is the best break up ever. i love my ex and we all hang out and live together...etc" their faces turn sour and they start getting mad. as if our new relationships and the good vibes we all share (the four of us) offend them personally.

what gives? my ex said that they are just jealous. if i may say so myself i think the four of us are all hot, smart, fun, and cool. so maybe folks are jealous.

i don't know. any advice. i know i should just enjoy my loves and my new friend (my ex's gf) but it sucks to not have ANY support.

p.s. my ex and his new gf just got out of the shower, naked.... SCORE! :p i am so bragging about this.

BlueWithEnvy 04-05-2011 03:10 PM

What part of the south do you live in? The reason I ask is because of religion. Many religion-heavy areas tend to look down on this lifestyle. I used to turn my nose when I thought about being with multiple people but I have since found that it turns me on to think of being with another female than my wife, as well as having feelings for a lot of females and only wishing that I had the possibility of being more with them, and hoping for them to be more than just friends with my wife.

Another possibility could be envy/jealousy. They wish that they were able to have multiple partners/love more than just one person, yet they are married and trapped in a relationship where they can't even love that one person.

Either way, there is nothing wrong with you, so please don't think that there is {although it seems that you are pretty secure with who you are and knowing that this is perfectly fine}. I think it is THEY who are the issue :)

Oh, and congratz on getting to see the two of them nekkid! Now just throw them on the bed and enjoy it!

girlcaleb 04-05-2011 04:04 PM

thanks. i am happy. my ex is super happy. his gf will be moving in this summer to finish her degree and i will be moving in with my new bf next year. so far we all seem to be in total NRE but we are sill grounded in reality.

yes, as you mentioned, i am secure with my choices thus far but it does start to weigh in on me. knowing that my close friends don't approve. my bf is also white and i'm black. my ex's new gf is asian and he is white. we are like one big rainbow. some folks don't like this. the other day i was with my bf at a shooting range. some white guys yelled out "camel jockey" at us. i live in Ga.

Ariakas 04-05-2011 04:05 PM


Originally Posted by girlcaleb (Post 74824)
why are folks so quick to tell us we are going to fall apart?

People who can't see something working for them, automatically assume it can't work for others. Peoples perceptions are inherently self-centered. Your outside the box concept of a relationship is a little bit of a mind fuck. When encountering a mindfuck its best just to put it down, then understand it.

Not sure how you can handle it. I tend to avoid hanging out with people that default to judgemental. Its a habit I picked up on when I was very young and agnostic. :)

BlueWithEnvy 04-05-2011 04:21 PM


Originally Posted by girlcaleb (Post 74842)
the other day i was with my bf at a shooting range. some white guys yelled out "camel jockey" at us. i live in Ga.

I couldn't help but giggle at this. Not because I am racist, but because I am a mix-breed. I am half wetback{Mexican-Mayan Indian}/ half white-trash{German/Polish in origin, but I think my dad dated his cousin}. I find it so funny when people use racial slurs against me, or towards me. My wife is also half mexican/half white and our kid is going to come out funny lookin with a unibrow, I'm certain of it!

Anyhow, I live my life with one philosophy on friends. I don't NEED them. The rationale behind it is that I NEED air, I NEED water, I NEED food. I dont NEED those specific friends because there are more out there to be made! If my friends can't accept me, then they aren't really my friends after all. Friends don't judge, they don't negatively criticize but instead, criticize me in a matter that is conducive to WINNING! {Sorry, couldn't help the Charlie Sheen reference}.

Keep on truckin lady! Keep pressing for that happiness!

SourGirl 04-05-2011 04:22 PM

It is just the way it works. When people don`t have the feelings, emotional response, or experiences,..they go negative. We all do it at some level. Times where we see certain people, and based on experience think,..'This can`t work'.

It doesn`t matter if you are poly or not, 'This is a dating issue' as someone I know would say. ;) Some traditionalists will poo-poo anything alternative, and I`ve seen many a poly people say 'leave her/him' to others, or 'move on' or 'this cant work'......

Along with judgement, we all have our own motives for doing the things we do, and saying the things we say. Many times, bias exsists.

The proof is always in the pudding. :) So,..just live your life, and if the negativity is to much,..remind people that if ' they dont have something nice to say, dont say it at all. ' Thats a old saying even traditionalists understand. ;)

Also,..you and your new bf, plus your ex, might want to discuss not sharing the hearsay-negativity everytime. So if you are hanging around, and laughing about it, and swapping stories,..great.
Though, if you find that you are dwelling that the new bf`s friend made a comment like she did, you may just want to ask the new bf to curtail that type of info. Not forever, not always, but maybe in the meantime while you might be feeling overwhelmed.

Good luck.

BlueWithEnvy 04-05-2011 04:35 PM

Wait, did someone say pudding?

SNeacail 04-05-2011 05:39 PM

Stop telling people you "broke up", they will immediately assume heart break, fights, etc. Just say that you guys are now just best friends and roomates. If they probe further, just say that it was a mutually amicable decission. Using words that don't imply pain, should diffuse their instinct to comfort and confussion when you don't need comfort.

This is the second time today, that I'm glad I live in Southern CA. I ask my kids to describe their friends, usually they can't, so I probe, are they black, asian, hispanic, white, etc. Their answer "I don't know", they're just my friend:). Mixed race is the norm around here.

BlueWithEnvy 04-05-2011 05:45 PM

Hoh! SoCal as well here, from Oxnard, or even better if you know it, El Rio. Although I am currently in Iraq, gotta love these wars and the beautiful sights they let us see!

Anyways, back on track of the thread :P

girlcaleb 04-05-2011 07:13 PM

thanks guys. reading your feedback helps. yes, i will stop saying that we "broke up". this will help. right now i am feeling great about it all. i just don't understand folks sometimes. i never like to bring up the negative side of things when i'm dealing with others. i guess i tend to attract overbearing depressed women friends.

hello over there in iraq. wait? what time is it there? you should be in bed or playing video games. :p

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