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-   -   Jealousy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8455)

Isaac 04-04-2011 11:48 PM

Jealousy
 
Hey all. I'm brand new to the site (gotta say, at least one good thing has come from my jealousy so far, and that is that it's motivated me to find this site!).

I'm sure this has come up in other places, but I haven't been able to find it. If people want to link me other threads with discussions about jealousy, that would be cool, or answer me in this thread :).

Anyway, I'm relatively new to non-monogamy (coming up on a year with the woman I am with... been together for a little over three), and although I know that it is right for me/us, I still feel a lot of jealousy. My jealousy isn't blaming, aggressive, or even overt. I just feel a lot of internal stuff: self doubt, comparing, sadness, worry, etc... Without getting into the particulars of my own situation right away, I'm hoping I can get a good conversation started with some of you folks about your experiences with jealousy - being either the jealous one or the one with the jealous partner - how you've learned to deal with it, etc...

I love my partner very much, and I really want her to be free to be with whomever she desires, and I don't want to feel like shit whenever she is with somebody other than me. I've gotta get a handle on my jealousy.

What do you think?

MonoVCPHG 04-04-2011 11:57 PM

I think you've got the right attitude to give this the best shot you can:)

Are you poly?

Isaac 04-05-2011 12:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 74701)
I think you've got the right attitude to give this the best shot you can:)

Are you poly?

I'm not sure I can answer that question in a satisfactory way, for two reasons. First, I'm not a huge fan of labels. I find them constricting and necessarily inadequate representations of reality (woah, I didn't mean for that to sound as philosophical as it did). I prefer to leave my relationship with my partner as undefined as possible, hence the 'non-monogamous' anti-label label... if that makes any sense :S. And second, I'm not so up to speed with the lingo surrounding non-monogamous stuff.

We ARE in a committed and loving relationship, and we have agreed that we are both allowed to go out and see/date/one night stand/sleep with/etc other people, so long as we tell the other person beforehand (if this is possible... can't quite with random one night stands...) and maintain completely honest communication with one another.

Am I poly?

LovingRadiance 04-05-2011 12:54 AM

www.xeromag.com has some good articles about jealousy.

Did you do a search on here using the word "jealousy"?

MonoVCPHG 04-05-2011 01:05 AM

Doesn't matter if you are considered poly. You both have the same freedoms. That is the most important bit of info. Does your partner feel the same way when you are out on a date? Maybe you can help each other with this?

redpepper 04-05-2011 05:57 AM

do a tag search for "jealousy" there are a lot of recent threads on that and a world of other oldies but goodies. :)

GroundedSpirit 04-05-2011 02:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Isaac (Post 74699)
...................
I love my partner very much, and I really want her to be free to be with whomever she desires, and I don't want to feel like shit whenever she is with somebody other than me. I've gotta get a handle on my jealousy.

What do you think?

Hey Isaac,

Welcome.
As RP suggested, lots of discussion here about jealousy and a search (tag or otherwise) will give you a mountain of info to consider.

Here's the short version..............

Jealousy (real) is a fear response tightly tied to insecurities and/or lack of enough information.

It's a control mechanism. Human nature.

For many/most that is the key to banishing it. We either proceed with our lives trying to always be in the control/driver seat or we develop confidence (through trust) that life will work it's way out the way it needs/ is supposed to. And that's the reality at the bottom of it. Things WILL work out the way they need to for everyone. All we do is forestall things by getting in the way.

Relax, inject positive energy into everything and it will all take the path it needs to.

GS

JameeDee 04-05-2011 03:51 PM

ditto
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Isaac (Post 74699)
Hey all. I'm brand new to the site (gotta say, at least one good thing has come from my jealousy so far, and that is that it's motivated me to find this site!).

I'm sure this has come up in other places, but I haven't been able to find it. If people want to link me other threads with discussions about jealousy, that would be cool, or answer me in this thread :).

Anyway, I'm relatively new to non-monogamy (coming up on a year with the woman I am with... been together for a little over three), and although I know that it is right for me/us, I still feel a lot of jealousy. My jealousy isn't blaming, aggressive, or even overt. I just feel a lot of internal stuff: self doubt, comparing, sadness, worry, etc... Without getting into the particulars of my own situation right away, I'm hoping I can get a good conversation started with some of you folks about your experiences with jealousy - being either the jealous one or the one with the jealous partner - how you've learned to deal with it, etc...

I love my partner very much, and I really want her to be free to be with whomever she desires, and I don't want to feel like shit whenever she is with somebody other than me. I've gotta get a handle on my jealousy.

What do you think?

Hi Isaac,
I think you're normal. I also think you're just like me. I've just recently jumped into a situation that made me so jealous I couldn't see straight. I really snuck up on me and I felt like I was losing my mind. From what I've read on this forum, it's just something I/we have to work thru. I have confidence that I can get over it and will be better off once I can get a handle on it.

In the meantime, communicate, meditate, whatever helps you feel better...and talk to us! We know JUST how you feel.

Best of luck!

Isaac 04-05-2011 11:30 PM

Thanks everybody.

www.xeromag.com is awesome

And by the look of things, I'm going to really enjoy being a member of this message board. :)

tigersgirl4ever 08-24-2011 10:32 AM

Tired of Jealousy
 
Im tired of jealousy but it's mine. He keeps joining "sex" sites which has me going crazy and we have it out. He says he just likes females sending him Pics. He's jealous too but only if A guy flirts with me, he says he would have no problem with females. As you can tell, he eventually would like us to have another girl envolved. Problem is im straight, always have been and dont know if I'd be comfortable with another female. I found this site because i was tired of seeing all advice posts saying leave him, not worth it. It may not be but I love him and have since we met 4 years ago. I truely cannot see leaving him so im trying to find a way to deal with maybe letting him have what he'd like with me included or if not at least just let him. I know what causes jealousy and yes im very insecure and terrified of losing him but im having trouble changing that. We talked recently for awhile and he said he was happier with me since iv'e been trying to not be such a "prude" i guess is best word. Im a shy person so pictures and things like that embarrass me really bad, but Iv'e been being a lil more out there. He works offshore so I know he gets lonely. I just want to be the one that helps him be happy and wish I had a way to not be sooo Jealous. He's very outgoing and loves to flirt, any suggestions lol.


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