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-   -   In over my head here... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8444)

FireWater 04-04-2011 01:02 PM

In over my head here...
 
So there's Andrea (I'm a male, she's a female. Just making that clear lol). I met her online and I told her about my poly-curiousness. Her reaction was nothing but positivity! I was so happy that she was open to, well, being open, and we decided to meet up and date.

Sparks really flew o_o We immediately felt safe and very, very attracted to one another. We talked about it and our feelings were very much the same.

Fast forward to this weekend. She invited me to her college campus and we spent the entire weekend making out and talking and getting to know each other even more and building such a deep, exciting... thing... I don't even know what to call it...

Now last night, after I got home, something came up and she told me she was very unsure about stuff but she wasn't sure what it was. We played this game I came up with where we take turns just dumping our desires out, so we know what each other wants. You go on with as many "I want"s as you can, and then you switch turn and repeat until both partners are out of things to say. There's no judging.

This lead into her telling me she had kissed her best friend, who is a female. She doesn't consider herself bisexual, but she said she really wants her best friend.

So interestingly enough... I asked what would happen if we could her on the phone with us and talked about it.

Fast forward three hours later. We're all talking about our attraction for one another and we bring it all out into the open. Her best friend isn't really that into me, but they're very, very into each other o_o

I'm also introduced to Chris, a guy they BOTH like a lot. Chris likes both Andrea and her best friend as well. Andrea told me that her and her best friend wants to ask Chris about a threesome and do what we did with our open feelings.

I said hey, that's cool, but I feel pretty shitty right now.. I mean her best friend effectively said she's down for a threesome, but just not with me. I'm not her type.

So now Andrea and I aren't really talking now. It's gotten very awkward and confusing. And I'm depressed and jealous :/ I like her a lot and my heart feels kind of sore right now. I'm trying my best to be open, but the fact that she's so much more open than I am and totally okay with it makes me feel so uneasy! I'm a student in college and I've been losing so much sleep over this and I'm not happy.

I don't even know where to begin with seeking help or guidance here. It feels almost unfair? Like, the fact that they live so close to one another and have SUCH deep feelings, even deeper than me and her, makes me feel like she isn't my primary partner anymore. So now I feel like I'm back being "single".

Magdlyn 04-04-2011 01:32 PM

You think she should commit to being your primary partner after some online and phone chatting and a couple dates? I think you 2 have some good vibes and NRE happening, but she's also attracted to her female friend. What she and her gf do with that other guy is their business and shouldnt concern you overly much. You know Andrea likes you. You 2 haven't even had sex yet.

It sounds like you're letting jealousy about what Andrea and her gf might do with the other guy get in the way of what you and A have going. No need to rush into a 3way with a 2nd woman. I'd say just enjoy what you've got and see where it leads.

BlackUnicorn 04-04-2011 01:55 PM

Agreed, agreed. You have met a woman who is confident and open to what she wants and willing to explore that. The relationship is too new to start talking 'primaries'/'secondaries' - they belong more to the 'married with kids' world.

Bisexuality isn't easy from the viewpoint of a monosexual partner, and much less so in poly situations. Are you more threatened by thinking Andrea will develop a deeper connection with this Chris guy, or that she will want to pursue a relationship with her BFF independent of you? I am super-sceptical of FMF triads, so maybe that colors my viewpoint overly much, but really, she is her own woman and you have the opportunity to cherish that.

If the problem is that you are no longer talking with Andrea, that's a whole other issue and much easier to solve.

redpepper 04-04-2011 09:35 PM

I'm thinking that I would just blow it off and ask her to go on a date just the two of you. During the date I would make sure I am having a good time and push those feelings of not being good enough in the back ground. Fake it til you make it kind of thing.

Those niggly little self doubt conversations we have with ourselves tend to get in the way of reality. The reality is that she likes you and you like her. What her girlfriend says is nothing to do with you. Being interested is necessary as being interested in her life is impoprtant, but that is a different relationship that you are not welcome in.

This woman is your metamour. Its not manditory you have sex with her, but it is advised that you speak kindy to her/of her and be at least be cordial when you see her. Everything else I advice you let go of as it won't be of benefit in getting more connected to this woman. What she said isn't meant to be personalin terms of your worth.

She might think youi are a great guy, but that is a far cry from having sex with someone. Most of the time two people don't have the same attractions. They could never find a suitable man they both like.

nycindie 04-05-2011 06:32 AM

Firewater, you didn't even have a relationship with Andrea yet - you just went out, kissed, talked. You don't own her and she has no commitment to you. Your jealousy and upset about this seems rather extreme for the situation.

GroundedSpirit 04-05-2011 02:19 PM

Reality check
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by FireWater (Post 74610)
...............
I'm also introduced to Chris, a guy they BOTH like a lot. Chris likes both Andrea and her best friend as well. Andrea told me that her and her best friend wants to ask Chris about a threesome and do what we did with our open feelings.

I said hey, that's cool, but I feel pretty shitty right now.. I mean her best friend effectively said she's down for a threesome, but just not with me. I'm not her type.

So now Andrea and I aren't really talking now. It's gotten very awkward and confusing. And I'm depressed and jealous :/ I like her a lot and my heart feels kind of sore right now. I'm trying my best to be open, but the fact that she's so much more open than I am and totally okay with it makes me feel so uneasy! I'm a student in college and I've been losing so much sleep over this and I'm not happy.

Hey Firewater,

Welcome to the reality of non-monogamy !

Glad to see you post this concern as it's a very common problem - especially in the beginning. If you are going to live this life/love style you are going to have to get past this.
So is everyone else !
Because it will continue to come up as long as everyone is open to others joining the equation.

Here's the rule..............

"Everyone is NOT into everyone" !

It's nothing personal - really. It's just how we all are made up.

As you venture out into a poly life as any kind of a pair or larger group, the chances are that someone is going to connect with someone that doesn't connect with one of you - or vica versa.
It's the rule rather than the exception !

So get used to it, expect it, learn coping skills for the times that it's YOU that is not on the wanted list. We all click with some people and not others. The odds of that click grow proportionately as the group enlarges. More people means more personalities means more chances of being odd man/woman out.

It's why V's are more common than triads, quads etc.
Nothing wrong with it as long as you expect it !

You'll be fine. In time it will be your turn to be "in" and someone else's to be "out".

GS


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