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-   -   new to the site bi poly couple (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8434)

gema9809 04-04-2011 07:23 AM

new to the site bi poly couple
Well hello all you wonderful people, we are a happily married couple and i am a bimale and my wife is an openminded female. we have been in a fairly standard monagimous relationship married for 8 yrs now in the past year we started exploring our sexuality with other men solo exp with other men and women and then mmf 3somes. At first we thought we wanted to be swingers, but after an all nighter and subsequent visits from this awesome guy we realized something we both desired an intimate relationship with him(not gonna happen hes married to another girl and the army career soldier:( ).
Well we were confused and still are, we do not desire seperate relationships we love each other very much and even when its consentual stepping outside of the relationship always ends up with jealousy and arguments, but we fell for someone together who made us both feel so special that we would happily bring that person into our lives and there was no jealousy ...maybe a little but it is overwhelmed by the mutual desire to intimate with that person together so what are we?. well this sites intresting and our dream would be to add another male to our relationship who we are both mutually attracted to and then eventually another woman as well and keep that as our primary, i dont know lol just cool to know were not alone we thought this kind of stuff didnt exist lol

BlackUnicorn 04-04-2011 01:59 PM


You are male unicorn (municorn!) hunters. Do a tag search on unicorns and triads and feel free to ask if something comes up.

redpepper 04-04-2011 11:40 PM


Originally Posted by gema9809 (Post 74582)
we do not desire seperate relationships we love each other very much and even when its consentual stepping outside of the relationship always ends up with jealousy and arguments

hello and welcome to the forum :)

I'm just wondering if there is an assumption here because having seperate relationships has more to do with a need for independence in ones life more than to do with measurement of love. I love my partners very much also and I don't have a triad in terms of romantic love. They are loving and committed to each other as metamours, but there is no romance or sex. We spend lots of time together but in a different way than romantically. Perhaps this kind of arrangement would work for you too as you go along as most often triads of any kind break into vees it seems.

I also wanted to point out, unless you are talking about yourselves, that jealousy and arguements don't always occur and can be addressesd and lessoned with time and work. There can be a lot of lessons and increased connection built of the two. I actually welcome jealousy as an old friend that makes me look at my shit again ;).

gema9809 04-05-2011 12:34 AM

not sure assumption ? im sure there is some, we do know this yeah the jealousy comes from us no question about it whatsoever but we know we have tried a few things consentual infedility ( and once noncensentual :( ) we have tried swinging fun and was what we thought we wanted until we started considering this what we know is this not into it for the independence we like the multi-partner sex the pillow talk afterwards and getting to know each other and afterwards as we wait for our friend to call us back we both like the fact that we desire to be near a person( maybe just this 1 person) on the seperate exclusive relationships that we have seen we dont think that is right for us as we understand it might work for some people i think it would be humiliating in a way to watch my wife have a seperate relationship with someone else and when i have gone on solo exp with others there is a certain degree of angst bad feelings regarding that now with the 1 we liked and exp together we were amazed and the jealousy was nonexistant i mean my wife had sex with him solo on our anniversary w/out permission and honestly it wasnt like such a huge betrayal, and the fact that we both had those feelings and were able to express them together was pretty f@#$%^ cool now were not seper xp and or have a bunch of xp or knowledge of this world what we know is this when we got our heads around the idea a mutipartner bi all inclusive ltr seemed like heaven to us

gema9809 04-05-2011 12:36 AM

also read a little of your blog sounds like you have some intresting life stories

redpepper 04-05-2011 05:17 AM

My husband and I had a relationship with a man once. We shared. They are bi and I am pan. It was great for a time, but as with most triads it ended up a vee. Actually what ended up was that he was cheating and we didn't know it. He lied to us and her and I was heart broken. PN was not heart broken, but angry. We not only learned that triads are not for us and went out and found our own loves again, but that we will never date someone without checking with the other partners again... a bit off topic, but that was my experience with a triad.

No, I lie. We had/have another lover we shared... that also ended after a few months. He is the pivot now though, although I like to sit and watch.... oh I don't know... whatever. Stupid definitions. We just are and have sex... sometimes together and sometimes apart... we haven't seen him in 6 monthes though but have known him for 15 years. He always comes around.

Now we have lovely relationships with many people and we all are good friends/metamours. Why stop at one? PN had a male lover and dated a woman too and had me and I had Mono and Derby at the time. It was great to know we both had our needs met and were close with all of them, just on differing levels and for differing reasons.

It seems to me that to put a things in terms of "this is how it is" and "this is how it always should be" is rather short sighted. Fluidity means that things can eb and flow as time goes on and you meet people. Sure, boundaries are good. In fact, suggested. But things are never the same with other people. Every experience is different and sometimes mourning is necessary before moving on. At least this is my experience anyway. The thing is, for me anyway, is to keep an eye on the boundary and let it shift... all the while asking if everyone is okay. That way love is an open, welcoming thing and not closed to a select few who fit a criteria. Know what I mean? Or if you know what you want then there should be no worries right? Just keep looking.

Anneintherain 04-05-2011 10:36 PM

It is ironic that if you think dating solo always results in jealousy and arguments, that if you did manage to have a relationship with that man you both liked, he would be having jealousy and arguments with his spouse because he was dating solo, while you and your wife would be avoiding dealing with those issues ;)

I don't have any advice, but I am wondering if it is easier to find a male unicorn than a female. I assume it might be as long as you are OK with THEM dating other people, but it sounds like you might feel that could also cause jealousy and problems among the three of you then?

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