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-   -   Couples seeking couples versus individuals (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8420)

lovemultiplied 04-03-2011 11:56 PM

Couples seeking couples versus individuals
 
I've seen people mention that they are are seeking a couple rather than individual relationships....so I'm just curious as to what the reasoning is for not wanting individual relatiionships...

LovingRadiance 04-04-2011 12:07 AM

I'm not one of those couples.
However,
the ones I've met in r/l-were doing it in order to avoid "jealousy" issues that arise when one partner feels that it's "unfair" if their spouse has another partner, but they don't.

TL4everu2 04-04-2011 02:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 74499)
I'm not one of those couples.
However,
the ones I've met in r/l-were doing it in order to avoid "jealousy" issues that arise when one partner feels that it's "unfair" if their spouse has another partner, but they don't.

There is truth to this. However, it works better for some couples than others.

For LT and I, it works best that way, although we ARE trying to break from that mold.

We know others who are just the opposite though, and WANT a single for each person. Along with this, neither person wants to know anything about the others dealings with their secondary. I guess if it works for them, then great. For me, I prefer to know every detail of how someone has made my beautiful wife so happy. :D As well as how she made THEM happy. ;) I wanna know it all. LOL My mom used to call me one when I was a kid....Now I know why. LMAO!

For US, that dynamic works....Where we date a couple.....But it doesn't work for everyone else.

LT4everu2 04-04-2011 02:14 AM

Well we work better with another cpl, as we(L/T) are so close we are comfortable with another cpl. We like to see each other flirt and have a mutli date. It is a big turn on to watch our spouse play with another person. Just my 2 cents, not that it matters.

veganchick 04-04-2011 03:13 AM

I agree that the couple/couple can help to alleviate some jealousy issues.

It's also nice when you have limited private time/children. Instead of taking turns with the family responsibilities and sharing your personal time between multiple partners, you can enjoy that time as a group.

BlackUnicorn 04-04-2011 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovemultiplied (Post 74497)
I've seen people mention that they are are seeking a couple rather than individual relationships....so I'm just curious as to what the reasoning is for not wanting individual relatiionships...

You mean as in me looking for a couple to get involved with in a triad or as in a quad, where a couple is looking for another couple?

Speaking for myself, I read a recommendation that for a single poly, the easiest way to kick start your poly life is to get involved with an established couple. Which, in a way, I think it is. There is a surprising amount of straight-male-bi-female couples out there looking. From the get go, you don't have to wonder about coming out as poly and question if the other person is also looking for a similar arrangement, or whether you are leading a nice monogamous person along.

From a very practical long-term life plan POW, I see that multi-adult families are a good place to bring up child members and having a household with three or more working-age members in whichever combination brings many rather mundane awards, like increased free-time and ability to pool finances. Of course, communal living experiments don't have a very good track record, so I just might prefer having my own place with non-romantical flatmates after all.

Magdlyn 04-04-2011 03:38 PM

I know many couples new to poly think finding another couple to play with or fall in love with seems ideal. The reality is quite different. In a 2 couple situation, if both women are bi they might like each other more than feeling attracted to the other man. If you're a single guy looking for a couple, if the other guy is straight he may not want 3way sex. If he's not interested in 3way sex, he could get jealous of you and his primary feeling new relationship energy. I've talked to so many poly couples who really don't have a handle on jealousy or time management.

I've dated single guys and also tried to get with several men who were in so-called open non-mono relationships, who disappointed me with their poor communication skills with me and their female partner. Also, married couples often have kids, full time jobs and really not all that much time to date, even tho they are on ok cupid posting away about wanting another person in their life.

So far, I've had more luck with single men or women who are poly, or at least open to it, and also excellent communicators.

My gf is involved with a man who has a live-in gf. This established couple been together 2 years. The woman seems to be pretty jealous of my gf... she goes on almost all the dates my gf and her bf have, or seldom leaves their apt when my gf comes over, to give them alone (sexy) time. I happened to find her public blog yesterday, and she complained of feeling like a 3rd wheel... and my gf has been seeing her man since November!

SourGirl 04-04-2011 04:11 PM

I am so happy I never learned about 'normal' alternative relationship rituals until long after being involved with multiple relationships. lol

Couple-to-couple always struck me as more work, and more prone to 'jealousy', or insecurities, not less. It doesn`t mean I shy away from it, but when it is couple-to-couple it`s in your face more, you see more,..therefore there is more to deal with.

Individual relationships can be tucked neatly aside, and interactions and knowledge happen on a need-to-know basis.

Entirely my own experience, as someone who is in a open marriage, and has experienced both individual relationships, and couple-to-couple.

dragonflysky 04-04-2011 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 74632)
I've talked to so many poly couples who really don't have a handle on jealousy or time management.

I've dated single guys and also tried to get with several men who were in so-called open non-mono relationships, who disappointed me with their poor communication skills with me and their female partner. Also, married couples often have kids, full time jobs and really not all that much time to date, even tho they are on ok cupid posting away about wanting another person in their life.

This is exactly what happened in my situation! I was dating a guy who was part of a poly couple (I'd never heard of polyamory until I met him online). I raised concerns at the very beginning about how did one find time to fit everyone/everything in in terms of the relationship, children, jobs, etc. and was assured that it was do-able. Eleven months down the road and a move to live closer to them (by mutual agreement), he decides that although he loves me, his life is just too busy to commit to seeing me even once a week. He wanted to continue seeing me if and when it worked out for him. I told him from the beginning that I didn't want to be a secondary, and this type of arrangement would feel very secondary to me. I wasn't interested. I'm still recovering from the pain of this loss. :(

lovemultiplied 04-04-2011 10:47 PM

Great answers. I will offer more thought on this when I'm at a computer and can write more (currently on my iPad lol)


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