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-   -   Polyamory for Army Wives (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8413)

BlackUnicorn 04-03-2011 11:32 AM

Polyamory for Army Wives
 
...and why not for hubbies, too!

I read the 'poly and military' thread, which was nice and answered some of my questions of being out in the force. However, I've spied there are a few people here involved with (ex-) Army people. From the viewpoint of a secondary, I have a few questions;

1) How do you prevent yourself from going completely apeshit mad with worry when your sweetie hasn't answered in a few days and not automatically think they have been killed/wounded/captured? Does it get better with time?

2) I completely support my partner in doing what they have to do and what they do best, but I do feel resentment when I think that they could be pursuing a civil career and spending time cultivating relationships with their family at home instead. It's an irrational but a strong feeling nevertheless.

3) As a new secondary, I feel I'm taking away too much energy from the more established relationship. With the little time available they have, I feel I'm stealing more than my fair share. I know micromanaging my partner's other relationships isn't included in my job description, but with the added difficulties deployment puts on a relationship, I feel I might be unhealthily filling a void that is created by distance in the primary relationship.

Any input from people who've experienced either side of being in the force would be greatly appreciated.

BlueWithEnvy 04-03-2011 02:49 PM

Air Force Perspective
 
I've been lurking around these forums for a couple of weeks now and I have been trying to keep from posting, however your post intrigued me and compelled me to post in regards to the questions you've asked.

1) It never gets easy. My wife and I are both in the Air Force and we have gone on back to back deployments for the past two years. I deployed, came back for a couple months, then she deployed for 6 months, came back for 3 months, and here I am, in Iraq again, deployed again. There are times where I can't tell her what is going on, and there are times where I cant even get to a computer or anything to contact her and just let her know that my love for her grows stronger every day. The only thing that helps with this is knowing that regardless of whether they are dead or alive, that they are doing it because they care and because they love you. I see that you are listed from Finland, and while you might not be in the U.S., it still applies as these attacks are world-wide in terms of what I believe we are trying to prevent.

2) This question is valid and to be completely honest, after this deployment, I am considering asking for early-out of the military. I have devoted 8 years of my life to this and I have had about enough of it. Constantly being away from family and friends, even being on this deployment I have missed out on several months of my precious wife's life that I will never get back. I dont care if it does mean a pay cut and a possible long wait for a job, I want to be there with her. However, the one thing that is preventing me from getting out, is the current state of the economy and the harships that could follow me getting out of the military and the lack of income is rather scary. I have always been financially responsible and to this day, I have zero debt other than my house. That is a lot to say for someone that has been on their own since 18, and I am now 25. Not tooting my own horn, but I know several others that went straight to college after High School and are now in debt city, with a bachelors degree, and are working at Vons back at home.

What may be an insecurity to you, could be one of the world's largest fears for the person that is in the military. Take me for example, I have no knowledge of anything else in my Adult life other than the Military. In my situation, the known > unknown. However, my wants and desires to be with my wife and be a major part of her life, outweigh my fears and I will likely act on it when I get home.

3) My wife and I are now talking about Polyamory and possibly introducing a third to our relationship {her amazingly gorgeous and caring, loving, dead honest to the point of where you want to slap yourself for her being that honest, best friend}. However, we have to work on ourselves first. These deployments have put us apart from eachother for a long period of time. We have no doubt grown a bit apart. While we still love eachother very much, we have grown as individuals in opposite directions rather than together. I would suggest that you give them time, and make yourself available to them whenever they have time. As you are the secondary, just be supportive. Let them know that you are there for them if they need you, but make sure that your needs are met as well. If they aren't able to meet them, I would suggest backing off and taking more of a friend role than a third in the triad.

Hope this helps at least a little bit. Please, ask any questions that you will and I will be sure to be as honest as I can from my perspective as the male in the situation.

Staying at home is always harder than actually deploying, I can guarantee you that one :)

Derbylicious 04-03-2011 03:50 PM

Navy perspective
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 74430)
...and why not for hubbies, too!

I read the 'poly and military' thread, which was nice and answered some of my questions of being out in the force. However, I've spied there are a few people here involved with (ex-) Army people. From the viewpoint of a secondary, I have a few questions;

1) How do you prevent yourself from going completely apeshit mad with worry when your sweetie hasn't answered in a few days and not automatically think they have been killed/wounded/captured? Does it get better with time?

You trust that no news is good news. If anything were to happen the next of kin would be contacted quite quickly. My husband hasn't ever been to an active war zone though so I don't know if I would worry a lot more if I didn't hear from him if he was somewhere more dangerous. Although with the navy unless there is news of a whole ship going down usually everything is ok.

Quote:

2) I completely support my partner in doing what they have to do and what they do best, but I do feel resentment when I think that they could be pursuing a civil career and spending time cultivating relationships with their family at home instead. It's an irrational but a strong feeling nevertheless.
I feel the same way. I married a computer programmer and had expected that I would have a husband who I would come home to every night and that we would just have you're typical life. If he loves what he does though there really isn't going to be any talking him out of it.

Quote:

3) As a new secondary, I feel I'm taking away too much energy from the more established relationship. With the little time available they have, I feel I'm stealing more than my fair share. I know micromanaging my partner's other relationships isn't included in my job description, but with the added difficulties deployment puts on a relationship, I feel I might be unhealthily filling a void that is created by distance in the primary relationship.

Any input from people who've experienced either side of being in the force would be greatly appreciated.
If he's assuring you that he has enough time and energy to give, trust in that. Military wives tend to be fairly self sufficient and are willing to do things alone. I don't feel like I'm giving up too much of "my" time for my husband's other relationship. Although I don't know in your case if they are still having date nights as well. As long as they are connecting and everyone says they are getting enough, trust that it's true. (Honestly I look forward to my evenings alone now, they are my self date nights).

BlackUnicorn 04-03-2011 09:15 PM

Thank you for such thoughtful and heartfelt responses!

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueWithEnvy (Post 74439)
The only thing that helps with this is knowing that regardless of whether they are dead or alive, that they are doing it because they care and because they love you. I see that you are listed from Finland, and while you might not be in the U.S., it still applies as these attacks are world-wide in terms of what I believe we are trying to prevent.

I know, and I support my love 100%.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueWithEnvy (Post 74439)
Take me for example, I have no knowledge of anything else in my Adult life other than the Military. In my situation, the known > unknown. However, my wants and desires to be with my wife and be a major part of her life, outweigh my fears and I will likely act on it when I get home.

You are still young, especially from my Nordic perspective. Basically, you Americans are such kids when you go to college :p. At 25 I expect to start slowly figuring out what I might want to do after university (the average age of entry for first university degree in my country is 23, I think, so I'm actually ahead a few years).

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueWithEnvy (Post 74439)
While we still love eachother very much, we have grown as individuals in opposite directions rather than together. I would suggest that you give them time, and make yourself available to them whenever they have time. As you are the secondary, just be supportive. Let them know that you are there for them if they need you, but make sure that your needs are met as well. If they aren't able to meet them, I would suggest backing off and taking more of a friend role than a third in the triad.

Great advice. All physical aspects of this relationship are on hold until the stuff you talked about above is figured out.



Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 74444)
You trust that no news is good news. If anything were to happen the next of kin would be contacted quite quickly. My husband hasn't ever been to an active war zone though so I don't know if I would worry a lot more if I didn't hear from him if he was somewhere more dangerous. Although with the navy unless there is news of a whole ship going down usually everything is ok.

Also, it puts things into perspective when you realize that each time you talk might be your last. More gratefulness, less bitching about slow connections :).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 74444)
If he loves what he does though there really isn't going to be any talking him out of it.

Loves what he does, is very good in it and has been at it when I was still playing with Barbies. Asking him to give it up would be asking him to stop being who he is. I'm mostly resentful of the family time he is missing, not asking for more time to myself - I'm so involved with my own family that I couldn't probably handle a 24/7 relationship, or even a 16/5 one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 74444)
Military wives tend to be fairly self sufficient and are willing to do things alone.

My metamour is ex-Army herself, so this is something their relationship is pretty much based on. I know some of the difficulties they are facing which are not all related to me, and admire her beyond belief for the strength of her character.

redpepper 04-04-2011 05:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 74430)
I read the 'poly and military' thread

link please?:)

BlackUnicorn 04-04-2011 12:17 PM

This either works or then it doesn't.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...highlight=army

redpepper 04-05-2011 05:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 74605)
This either works or then it doesn't.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...highlight=army

thanks! :D

BlackUnicorn 04-11-2011 11:42 AM

Visiting the base - a whole new can of worms
 
So I have been invited to visit his workplace. I think the idea is totally shite.

1) I don't want it to look like he is cheating on his wife. I don't want to be the reason his men would lose respect for him. I don't think you can really respect someone you perceive as a cheater.

2) Being totally out to everyone is not going to be possible, nor entirely advisable. Some of his men won't get it and will lose respect.

3) His wife isn't visiting. I don't want to if she doesn't. She alpha, I beta. It would like feel like being introduced to his parents and spending quality time with them in the hypothetical situation where his parents and his wife wouldn't be on talking terms with one another. Imposing is maybe the word I'm looking for? Over-assuming?

Anyone with experience on being out in the military, possibly living on-base as a poly family?

BlueWithEnvy 04-11-2011 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 75698)
1) I don't want it to look like he is cheating on his wife. I don't want to be the reason his men would lose respect for him. I don't think you can really respect someone you perceive as a cheater.

If the military catches word of him cheating on his wife, even with her consent, he will get in a LOT of trouble. It is against our UCMJ to allow adultery. Hell you cant even have sex in any other way than Missionary if you look deep enough into our rules. Even blowjobs arent permitted. If his wife ends up getting upset about it, and wants to get him in trouble, she just has to produce your conversations and evidence of it and the notion alone is enough to get him in trouble. DO NOT DO IT.


Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 75698)
2) Being totally out to everyone is not going to be possible, nor entirely advisable. Some of his men won't get it and will lose respect.

The men will get it, and they will understand. However, it is still reportable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 75698)
3) His wife isn't visiting. I don't want to if she doesn't. She alpha, I beta. It would like feel like being introduced to his parents and spending quality time with them in the hypothetical situation where his parents and his wife wouldn't be on talking terms with one another. Imposing is maybe the word I'm looking for? Over-assuming?

If you are really considering this and it would mean the world to him. I still say dont do it. But if you must, do not do it without his wife there, and make sure that you are labeled as a "Friend". It may hurt your feelings or his, but it is for the better good of his career that you arent known as the "Girlfriend" or the "Other Wife".

Again, for the sheer fact of avoiding drama and bullshit, I would advise that you do not do it.

BlackUnicorn 04-11-2011 12:34 PM

Yep, I think this is just a combination of NRE/having a friend just die on-duty/trouble at home. Thanks for the info on the military code of conduct, I'll bring that up with him.


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