In need of advice
Hello all. I've been reading a lot of your board here and have wanted to post, but I haven't really known what it was that I wanted to ask until now.
About 8 years ago, high school for me, I started dating this girl. I'll call her K. We fell in love, and got engaged and all that. K eventually ended things however, due to a mixture (as we now know) of her needing to find both her identity as bisexual, as well as poly. K and I stopped talking for a while after that, drifting apart as people do. However, 3 years or so ago we began talking again. We both were very happy about that.
Anyways, I was in a very long term mono relationship until about 2 years ago. K and I started discussing my coming to see her then. She was, and still is, in a very open poly relationship with her, now, fiance. It was assumed that anything that happened between us would be casual however, being as I've always identified as mono myself. It wasn't until a month ago that I was finally able to make the trip. We had a blast, needless to say. We always did, and this trip was no different.
This, however, is where things get complicated. All through the trip we spent a good deal of time together. It felt very natural. Very much, in fact, like it did when we dated. Then she told me she was still in love with me. It was a difficult thing for her to say, she cried in fact. Her automatic assumption being that I wouldn't be able to handle her situation. I was shocked, I'll admit...but not appalled. I promised I would think about it, being as my feelings have never really changed for her either I didn't want to just overlook or pass off something like this.
So my questions start there. Is this a bad idea? I've always assumed I was mono, without really questioning it. I've since had a lot of time to think about what it would mean to be poly. I wouldn't want to be just with her after all, I would be a secondary relationship. I'd be looking at a day a week just us, a date night a week, some hang out time every now and then. This sounds acceptable, but wouldn't meet my relationship needs (thus my consideration of transition, rather than staying mono with a poly partner).
I can admit that the premise speaks to me. I understand where poly people are coming from, and I don't think jealousy would really be all that much of a problem for me. But this is all so sudden, and as a result I am having trouble processing it in my mind. Ultimately, I'm looking for things to be aware of. Perhaps, some questions that I might want to ask K.
Sorry that was so rambley, and thank you for your time :)
So, this might be the blind leading the blind here, but I'll give it a shot. I just posted my first thread myself, so I can't claim to know much more than you do, nor can I offer "seasoned" advice. I'm in the transition period, too. I think it's hard to identify as "poly" until it's brought up in front of you and you have time to consider it. I think society tends to instruct us towards monogamy. Taking the plunge into a poly relationship goes against most if not all of what we've been conditioned to accept as the "norm."
I have a bit of a problem with this "primary" vs. "secondary" thing. I mean, of course I understand where the language stems from. I just think it can be counter-productive. If anything, it seems logical that the "secondary" relationship should initially take more time and attention. After all, if two people are open and comfortable enough to explore polyamory, I'd hope they were secure in their love. New relationships, contrastingly, take work. I think the ideal would be to let the new relationship develop as it will, and to strive for equality.
I'm having an issue with timing, too. How do you make time for a new relationship when you're already in one? I offer you my solidarity and empathy, friend.
Hullo and welcome to both!
Quite recently, Tonberry posted some excellent questions to ask a new squeeze in a polyamorous relationship if this is your first introduction to the lifestyle. Check out Myrddin's 'What could *possibly* go wrong' to find them (I'll not post the link since being basically computer illiterate, I don't know how :p).
There is a lot of stuff to read on primaries, but my primary is basically the girl I share house, bed, pet, finances and food with. It's more a practical distinction than anything else. And yes, in NRE stages the established relationship usually has to take the back-burner for a while.
As for time; nothing beats good scheduling! I like to know when I'm going on for a date stuff like; 1) how long it will last, 2) will there be sex 3) will there be sleepovers and at whose place (toothbrush considerations). That makes multi-partner scheduling much easier. Also, if you make a commitment in the form of a date, keep to it! Nothing alienates a partner as easily as constantly making changes as to when and where and for how long you are able to see them.
It sounds like you are interested in trying it out so why not. You can be mono and date someone who is poly for sure, but you would be like dating someone that has a career that takes time away from you, or a hobby. Sure, people are not hobbies, etc. But, all emotions aside, that is what it is like. If her availability is not an issue for you then you should be good to go. Especially if you are not concerned about jealousy. If you find that her time is not as free enough for your liking then you would either have to just suck it up and get used to it, request some different boundaries around that (request that she not add more people to her life for instance, which she could agree to or not), or find someone else to date that isn't poly.
If you haven't already, a tag search on "mono/poly" might bring some good threads up for you to read
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