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-   -   What have I gotten myself into? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8375)

pollyshari 04-01-2011 06:44 AM

What have I gotten myself into?
If you keep blowing off your friend, you know the one who you think should be ok being stood up or second shelved because they know you just a lot stuff going on? Repeatedly!! Afterall they know you love 'em. (you proclaim it in text messages every day) <3 They know you have hang ups but they show you love unconditionally, so it will be ok.

You better start treating them with the same respect you want to be given. Or they will stop trying to make you feel important. They’ll give up, or maybe they will start feel all creepy & stalkery. They may still love you, but they will start to realize that they aren’t that important to you.

Unless, of your course, you have been trying to give them the hint. In that case I guess you will be relieved when they finally take it.

Either way.

You know I am venting right? The sarcasm didn't give me away did it? <3

pollyshari 04-01-2011 06:48 PM

If it is this hard, them maybe it is not working.
Just talked to Bear ( We finally have a pet name for each other). It was hard to get up the courage. I called her this morning and chickened out. Sent her a text an hour later that just said, "I need to talk." She called me immediately which made me feel better, at least she places some value on our relationship because I was starting to feel that she didn't.

Then forming the words into cohesive sentences as I start to tremble <nerves>.

Making plans with her is difficult. She stood hubby up last night, well sort of, she kept in touch with him and let him know she might not make it. But this is seeming like a habit. Which, in turn, makes me feel like our relationship is not that important or that she doesn't really want a relationship at all or that she is not getting what she needs and since she doesn't tell me I can only wonder. I finally told her that.

Why was that so hard to say? I think all three of us are standing in uncharted water, up to our knecks. And I don't want to drown. I don't think the problem is solved, I am still not sure that any of us knows what it is. But I think we all have our buckets out and ready to work on it. Maybe we are clinging to tightly to our life jackets.

I told her that I am perfectly happy if she and hubby spend time along together, I encourage it and embrace it. And if she wants more she can have it. Her response was that her relationship is with both of us. I told her I saw it differently, her relationship with him, my relationship with her, my relationship with him and the relationship between the three of us. I don't think that she realizes that I see things this way. The reason I brought it up is because I do believe that she holds back on her relationship with hubby so as not cross any boundaries with me. She respects me. She said she needs to talk with hubby now and she will call me later.

Being a bi woman, I think that my passion for my man is just as important as my passion for her. I need time with him alone (and I get plenty of it). I think alone time between him and her is just as important. I want her to have it and enjoy it to the fullest. I don't always need to be (or want to be) in the middle. I think the triad relationship as whole would benefit from a strong bond between the two of them. This is only my opinion and they may disagree. Is it possible that we will become a V with me as the hinge? Well anything is possible. However, I do believe that she wants him and is in love with him.

He has suggested that they make plans to be alone, but she told him to "go home and (blank) your wife. I think that statement screams loudly that she is uncomfortable about it. I just don't know why, and I hate guessing. On the other hand, they have had some time alone when he picks her up and they are driving between houses and they have had some shopping trips together. I know she has enjoyed it because she has openly told me that she "had so much fun hanging out and just having with him" after their day of getting hair cuts together and going shopping. No hubby is not gay and he has never gone for haircuts with me.

I think it boils down to the appearance of infidelity. They both somehow think if they have a night together without me it is some form of cheating. Although they have had sex while I was in the shower, I heard them when I got out and I just turned on the blow drier for a while. Another time while I was cooking breakfast for the family and they were have a lazy morning. But again I am still in ear shot so they aren't really alone.

It is easier for us two gals to have a very special love just between the two of us. I think it is less complicated because neither one of us think we are stepping on his territory, she thinks she is stepping on mine. Hubby worries about how I feel way too much also. I want this this to work for all three of us and if I didn't want them to be able to have a complete relationship with each other, I wouldn't be doing this. No one needs to be short changed here.

pollyshari 04-02-2011 01:16 AM

What have I gotten myself into?
Wow, what a day. I don't think this is gonna work out. Makes me sad.

When we place preconceived expectations on those we love we neglect to consider their individual goals, needs and desires. We fail to respect them and love them for who they really are.

azrael 04-03-2011 05:31 PM

I can imagine it is very sad to be under the impression that things may not be working. It sounds like you are communicating your feelings clearly within your triad. Just keep up your communication with both of them. It sounds like she is not being completely open about her feelings. Hopefully you all will grow from this experience and everything will work out.

nycindie 04-03-2011 08:19 PM


Originally Posted by pollyshari (Post 74222)
Wow, what a day. I don't think this is gonna work out. Makes me sad.

:( What happened?

pollyshari 12-14-2011 07:31 AM

My Dad's Voice
I have been having a hard time being poly lately. I remember longing for it, I remember embracing it. I recently broke up with my girlfriend (about 10 weeks ago. I had to stop loving her. She turned out to be someone who lacked some necessary boundaries. My children were affected. That is really the major problem for me now. I am sick about it. My kids were hurt by my decision to bring another lover into my life. I find myself hearing my fathers voice telling me, "Well you are living a life of perversion and you made this happen with your choices..... If you followed God's laws this wouldn't have happened". In a away, he would be right.

I miss her. I miss what we had, or what I thought we had. It was one the most beautiful times of my life. I was so happy. I want that beauty in my life again. At what expense?

pollyshari 12-14-2011 08:39 AM

I always assumed this relationship wouldn't be the same forever. I knew that eventually she would move on. But I also believed that it wouldn't be the end, it would just be different. I thought that we would always love each other and be a part of each others lives. I imagined being a part of her life, not a major part but we would talk from time and she would tell me about some of her happy times and her sad times and I would be happy or sad with her. And vice versa. What an amazing love I had. It is really a shame that things turned out the way that they have.

I suppose that is why I want to remain open to the idea of dating again. Hubby keeps telling that it isn't the wrong choice to love another, she just wasn't the right person. "Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs.....".

I know he is right. But I feel responsible for not protecting my children. Well, who knows how old my kids will be when/if I ever find someone I am interested in again. Maybe just shouldn't worry about it for a while.

AnnabelMore 12-14-2011 01:14 PM

What was the impact on the kids, if I may ask?

BrigidsDaughter 12-14-2011 05:56 PM

I was wondering that myself.

pollyshari 12-14-2011 10:05 PM

I am concerned about saying too much on a public forum on the internet. Let's just say that what she did is considered a crime. My son is 16.

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