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-   -   How do Monos cope with Polys? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=837)

Midnight 09-24-2009 05:47 PM

How do Monos cope with Polys?
 
Hi guys
ok - my last post was too long and boring - sorry.

Just wanna know how you cope as a mono, who has no interest in falling in love with anyone else. When your husband falls in love with someone and wants a 'special' (though not sexual) relationship with her.

I feel a bit ashamed in front of all of you, cos it's not even sexual - it's just a romantic friendship they seem to want.

Should I go against my instincts and try to find someone else too?
Should we all meet up together and talk about it?
Should I just let myself feel the jealousy, and see what comes up, when I just allow it?

Is this too boring for you interesting people?
xxx

MonoVCPHG 09-24-2009 07:35 PM

Hi Midnight,
It's not boring at all but I don't understand what a romantic relationship without sex is all about? I am really missing something here. Are you sure he knows what he wants?

River 09-24-2009 07:42 PM

Romantic friendship has existed, and presumably still exists. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romantic_friendship

But Monov... is right to ask "Are you sure he knows what he wants?"

EDIT:


Oh... yes, the wikipedia "Romantic Friendship" article is about same-sex "romantic friendships" -- but I'm sure there have been "romantic friendships" between guys and gals as well. That is: really profound and personal love without a sexual relationship.

NeonKaos 09-24-2009 07:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by River (Post 7600)
But Monov... is right to ask "Are you sure he knows what he wants?"

Ya more important, is HE sure he knows what he wants?

MonoVCPHG 09-24-2009 08:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Midnight (Post 7592)

Should I go against my instincts and try to find someone else too?
Should we all meet up together and talk about it?
Should I just let myself feel the jealousy, and see what comes up, when I just allow it?

Is this too boring for you interesting people?
xxx

Being almost fanatically mono I think I should give a little feedback LOL!

While it is perfectly ok to explore different approaches to loving as long as you are willing and healthy in doing so, there is a certain amount of risk involved.

If you are wired mono like myself, which it sounds like you are, and end up forming a new connection it may cost your husband his wife. I'm saying may, not will. I am very black and white and very sure of how my heart and mind work.

If you try to force your nature to accommodate a new lover, your nature will probably override your intention of maintaining more than one connection of this kind. Romantic, sexual love connections are very different than the love of children or family members. In some people such as me, that connection is completely fulfilled by one person and trust me, faking it with another is not easy and will lead to trouble.

Yes - you should definitely all meet up and talk about it. There has to be a better understanding of what each individual expects.

Definitely allow yourself to feel jealousy and tell your partner about it. Don't let it control you though, analyse it and seek the issues behind those feelings. When you get to the root of your jealousy it is then that you will be able to determine if you can handle this type of relationship.

My situation is much different than yours. I came into an established marriage with holds great respect and power for me. Although I have a romantic/intimate relationship just with Redpepper, I consider myself in a relationship with her and her husband almost as though they are one. That makes my healthy involvement much different than if I was put in your shoes.

MonoVCPHG 09-24-2009 08:30 PM

Hi Midnight..I'm cutting a comment of yours out of "sharing success and happiness" so I can respond here...

it is humbling for me to read about this...
I'm new to all of this - feel scared - feel small hearted - cos I want to keep my husband to myself - not have him be with the other woman he's kinda fallen in love with.... but the loving way you all care for each others feelings is awe inspiring - i'm gonna have to keep opening up to this I think, even though it's scary and it hurts


My situation is different than yours...I would react much differently if I was in your situation. You are encouraged to explore new relationship aproaches but certainly do not "have to" do anything!!

Read some of my other posts so you get the full journey and picture. You are not small hearted I truly believe there are very few people who can overcome the hurdles having a Mono/Poly relationship generate...did I mention you are not small hearted?

Take care
Mono

Midnight 09-24-2009 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 7599)
Hi Midnight,
It's not boring at all but I don't understand what a romantic relationship without sex is all about? I am really missing something here. Are you sure he knows what he wants?

He tells me he doesn't want sex with her - although he is attracted to her (she's 20 years younger than him, and very beautiful). An awful lot of our friends think he's kidding himself about the sex bit, but he insists it's not sexual for him.... He's sexually very fulfilled with me - if that's relevant.... Praps i need to check this with him a bit more...

Midnight 09-24-2009 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by River (Post 7600)
Romantic friendship has existed, and presumably still exists. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romantic_friendship

But Monov... is right to ask "Are you sure he knows what he wants?"

EDIT:


Oh... yes, the wikipedia "Romantic Friendship" article is about same-sex "romantic friendships" -- but I'm sure there have been "romantic friendships" between guys and gals as well. That is: really profound and personal love without a sexual relationship.

I think this might be what he's after. They have a very intellectual relationship. Passionate - but not physical. But it could have developed that way cos he wants to keep that boundary to protect us and our marriage - more to look into I guess....

Midnight 09-24-2009 08:56 PM

You're very kind - thank you. I'll absorb this and see where it all takes me....
thanks again for your thoughts.

MonoVCPHG 09-24-2009 08:57 PM

Considering the age difference here I could see this either one of two ways. A) Denial of a very real desire to have sex or the need to cultivate almost a father/daughter love.

Romantic friendship is way to vague for me in this and is much more understandable in a same sex situation for me...if he said "deep" friendship I would have a different feeling about this. The word romantic is pretty specific when speaking of men and woman to most people.


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