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-   -   I was just outed involuntarily 5 weeks before my wedding (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8317)

koifish 03-30-2011 04:20 AM

I was just outed involuntarily 5 weeks before my wedding
They outed us to my parents. It apparently is someone we know reasonably well or very well. They won't tell us who. What a betrayal. What a self-righteous busy body. The mariage will proceed, but the wedding is likely ruined.

My fiance and I have known each other for 15 years. Last fall we became involved with a woman.

They all say they are sad and disappointed and question why we are getting are getting married, even. They say the idea of our marriage has really been tarnished in their eyes and that when we have people come to our wedding who don't know about our third, that we are lying to them and betraying them. One of them said she specifically does not want our third at the wedding.

I'm rather distraught. We were all on track for a really lovely, fun wedding. Now I'm left wondering how to slash the guest list for at least the ceremony to cut out judgemental parents and the mystery tattler.

My fiance now feels compelled to out us to his parents. This is horrible. I'm scared. Not what we would have chosen. I don't know if his parents will want their financial contribution back. This will leave us with very little money for any kind of reception. I feel terrible for the people who have bought plane tickets and wouldn't be able to get refunds.

I would so appreciate any words of support or advice.

LovingRadiance 03-30-2011 04:33 AM

There are judgmental people in all walks of life, regarding all sorts of things, not just "love-style".

I understand the excitment of wedding planning, and the heartbreak of having someone be a downer in the midst of it.

BUT-it's STILL your wedding and it can STILL be a beautiful, fun and exciting day/night. It's all a matter of you choosing to keep it that way.

You didn't ask for their opinion, so don't put weight in it. Set it to the side the same way you would if they told you that they thought the colors you chose were hideous and they never wanted to have the bad luck of witnessing someone wear them!

It's YOUR wedding-not theirs.
Go, enjoy and make a beautiful memory.

Have a few close-trusted friends "forewarned" so that if ANYONE starts "shit" at the wedding, whether it be nasty comments in an undertone or some other bad behavior, those friends are ready and willing to haul that person out of the venue as quickly and quietly as possible.


No matter WHAT happens in the midst of the wedding celebration-ignore it. Flat ignore anything that isn't perfect about your wedding. Focus on your love.

nycindie 03-30-2011 05:03 AM

You can still have a fun wedding!

I agree with LR. Hold your head high. You invited the people you invited to share in your day because of love, closeness, affection, connection, etc. That is still there, no matter whether they approve of your situation or not. If they cannot rise above their prejudices and choose not to go, it will be their loss. Their reaction doesn't have to affect the wedding negatively, and I think outing yourselves to his parents is only going to make things worse if you still feel you are not ready for that. If I were you, I wouldn't change a thing. There is no reason not to proceed as planned.

My mother did not come to my wedding because she had emotional problems and said she wasn't able to handle the stress of meeting people in that setting. I wouldn't change my plans and went ahead anyway. As I saw it, my wedding was for ME (and my husband of course), not her. I could have scrambled to change everything and had a smaller ceremony that she could feel comfortable with, but I saw that as bending my life to fit her narrow view of the world, when she could have made an attempt to be there with family who loved her and be there for me (for a change). Sure, people wondered about it, looking askance at the nearly empty pew on my family's side of the chapel, but I was going to enjoy my day anyway - and I had a great time.

I have a third cousin whose mother "disowned" her when she became engaged to an African-American man. Her mother refused to speak to her and wouldn't go to the wedding. Besides being incredibly hypocritical (my family is descended from African slaves on that side and they know that), this caused a rift in the family and most of the relatives rallied around the daughter and showed up to be supportive. I know it hurt her, but my cousin just held her head high and continued with her plans.

Do not stoop to the level of prejudiced people (prejudice just means "pre-judging" someone or something before you have the facts or get to know them).

If I were you, I would ask your parents if they intend to be there. If not, shrug it off and invite other people you know will be supportive in their place. If they do intend to go, I would tell them in no uncertain terms that this is your life and your wedding and if they are going to give you a hard time or sit there in judgment, making your day miserable, then they are not welcome. You can stand up for yourself.

If they want to know more about the relationship, you might say that you are willing to talk about it with them if they are willing to have an open mind, but to know also that you are moving forward with your wedding plans and that you regret they are refusing to be supportive of something that makes you happy.

koifish 03-30-2011 05:36 AM

I hope we decide we can wait to tell my fiance's parents so we can avoid that much more turmoil. I feel so exposed. I hesitate to open myself up to more judgement and disapproval right now. But we are also concerned that the tattler will choose to tell others, including my fiance's parents.

My parents seem dead set on keeping the tattler's identity secret. This means we can't judge the likelihood of that person telling my fiance's parents, perhaps even closer to the wedding date than we are now.

This person is very likely invited to the wedding and might also stir up trouble at the actual affair.

I consider the ceremony to be sacred. I want to be surrounded by love and happy faces, particularly at that time. When I say my vows I don't want to have doubters and scorners around me.

I'm getting married at my mother's house, so I can structure the day as I wish. What do you think about the possibility of making an excuse to invited guests about the ceremony itself having become very small, allowing only a few to be present. I really only want 5 or 6 people who I know support me and my fiance.

I want to have some sort of reception especially for the people who came in town. I'm not sure what sort of financial support we will have after this debacle, and truth be told we ourselves are pretty poor.

We sent out our lovely invitations that we designed ourselves weeks ago. Now everything has changed and they seem pretty irrelevant.

nycindie 03-30-2011 05:50 AM

Yeah, I hear ya. Yes, you can have a small wedding for just those closest to you and invite everyone else to the reception. Maybe have a small party also just for the people who will be traveling to get there. I guess, though, that such a change would necessitate calling everyone individually and just tell them it's for personal reasons.

BlackUnicorn 03-30-2011 01:48 PM


Originally Posted by koifish (Post 73635)
They all say they are sad and disappointed and question why we are getting are getting married, even. They say the idea of our marriage has really been tarnished in their eyes and that when we have people come to our wedding who don't know about our third, that we are lying to them and betraying them. One of them said she specifically does not want our third at the wedding.

Why are you getting married? Once you know, you will know what to tell your family, should they ever decide to get low enough from their high horses to listen.

You can't be responsible for other people's ideas about what marriage in general and your marriage specifically should be like. Your private life is just that - private. Everyone has the right to decide what level of personal life details they want to share with others. Not telling every single person you ever become friendly with about every single vulnerability you've ever had is not dishonest, it's smart. People earn your trust - somebody accepting an invitation to a wedding doesn't mean you are suddenly accountable to them on every single thing that has lead to this point in your life.

I hope you are still inviting your third. Do you have children? To me, somebody disrespecting your family like that, even if they are themselves family, is out of order. They could be asking you not to invite hypothetical kids from previous relationships because that acts as an uncomfortable reminder of you having had a life before this day, and you continuing to have a life, and even separate existence, from your husband.


Originally Posted by koifish (Post 73635)
My fiance now feels compelled to out us to his parents. This is horrible. I'm scared. Not what we would have chosen. I don't know if his parents will want their financial contribution back. This will leave us with very little money for any kind of reception.

Telling his parents gives this person, whoever they are, too much power. This is most likely exactly what they wanted to achieve. It might be advisable to make an emergency plan on how to finance the wedding in case his parents are the kind of people who would seek to manipulate you by abusing the financial power they have over you.

Don't give in! Support each other and your third. At some point, your family will start yanking up the heat in what comes to her, trying to make her feel bad about herself and ashamed of her relationship with you. Don't let them.

Tonberry 03-30-2011 05:02 PM

I think the right way to do things now is to tell people that you're inviting everyone, and they can decide if they want to come or not. It's not fair of them to ask you to choose between the people you love (I mean for instance between your parents and your gf). You're being fair by inviting both and letting them not show up if they don't want to.
But if they do show up, it's their decision, and you expect them not to make a fuss over anything. You should be clear about that to them, that if they show up to the wedding, it means they have agreed, for that one day, to have a truce and enjoy the occasion. If they don't feel up to it, then they probably shouldn't come.

About your gf wanting to come out as well... it's understandable, but I'm not sure if it's the best time to do so. I think the only way to make a decision on that would be for you guys to talk about it (I mean all three of you).

Carma 03-30-2011 05:19 PM

Wow, I am feeling for you. Too bad it all happened at such a crunch time, where to make changes will be a real inconvenience to say the least.

This brings up so many questions and issues! Big picture, like "What is the definition of marriage, and who defines it?" and "If a wedding is a celebration of Love, what is Love, and who defines it?" Then the smaller, more personal questions, like, "Who in my life/family really loves and supports me unconditionally?" and "Who can I trust?" and "Whose fucking business is it what I do in my bedroom, anyway???"

I wonder, are your fiance's parents are open-minded?

We were involuntarily outed recently, too. It hurts, it's confusing, it's devastating... yet there was some freedom in it, in a weird way. A little bit of relief, after the dust settled. I am a person who wants to love out loud, and it's hard to be in the closet about a person who means so damn much to me and my husband. It may be tough but I can take it -- I can walk in the Truth in ways I never thought I could. However -- we think the "bleeding" has stopped, and we are hoping our privacy has been salvaged from here on. We now have time to prepare ourselves for the possibility of it getting out to more people, eventually. That involves asking ourselves some of those questions, big and small, so that WE will be rock solid in our "defense," so to speak.

My heart goes out to you.

Rarechild 03-30-2011 05:59 PM

Koi, so sorry this secret informer outing judging bullshit is happening to you.

The fellas and I were joking this week about making a special announcement onstage at my upcoming graduation about our relationships, since lots of our peeps will be there. The context there is just that we would like to stop making weird faces at people when someone notices something new going on and we give vague answers. Can't imagine this so close to a wedding.

It is hard enough to maintain a sense of humor planning a wedding when everything is going well and there's more $ to be able to be flexible with. I hope you can laugh about it somehow, and use this challenge for all it's worth to love and support each other. Take each other's hands and face it with joy, whatever you do.

Feel for you.

Fidelia 03-30-2011 06:11 PM

Wow. What a rotten turn of events. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can certainly see how you would be shocked and appalled by all this.

There's just not a solution here that's clean, quick and painless, at least not that I can see. That being said, here's what I would do:
  • proceed with the wedding as planned
  • tell my parents (and any other concerned parties) that nothing has changed except what they know about my/our love life, remind them that, as an adult, I think and choose and act for myself (as does my fiance) and that as much as I want them present to celebrate my wedding, I would understand if they choose to not participate or be present
  • prepare to do the same with anyone else concerned (or else get out in front of the avalanche by outting my tribe at a time and place of our choosing)
  • keep my ears and eyes open for the identity of the person who has chosen to stir the stink at our expense. When s/he reveals him/herself, I would express my genuine opinion of his/her actions in this matter (in clear and specific terms, :mad: if you know what I mean), then promptly expel the troublemaker from my life.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do.

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