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-   -   How do you know? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8312)

OhioLove 03-30-2011 12:22 AM

How do you know?
How do you know when you genuinely want to be intimate with someone? I ask this because: My husband began dating another woman, a friend of mine. I was/am cool with it; however, I've had moments of jealousy because they both have jobs that make it easier to have free time and socialize. I've felt left out lately, and working a lot.

Recently I was thinking about putting a move on her when she was over at our house, the 3 of us hanging out. But how do I know that my intentions toward her are genuine? Am I just trying to butt in to alleviate my own moments of jealousy? Or do I really want to get it on with her?

I guess the real reason I ask is this: She's not physically my type at all. She is pretty much the opposite of what I like physically. And...yet...suddenly this attraction. It's so...interesting.

dragonflysky 03-30-2011 05:20 AM

Have you discussed "putting a move on her" with your husband? Is he aware that you're having these kinds of thoughts/feelings? He might be able to help you sort through some of this. Or better yet...how about discussing the possibility with her rather than "putting a move on her" to find out if she's interested? It might help you sort through whether it's jealousy or genuine interest in her. Would you consider "putting a move" on her if your husband wasn't around and it was just the two of you rather than when the three of you are together?

SNeacail 03-30-2011 04:56 PM

First thing to do is let them both know that your work schedule is frustrating you because now you are feeling left out and neglected. Don't just assume they will notice or that it's something you just have to "suck up" and live with. Sometimes even small things, can help you feel more included even if you can't physically be there.

magikman79 03-30-2011 09:25 PM

We had a very similar problem, I worked with our last girlfriend & my wife did not get to see her enough & felt left out a lot.

being the man I think its up to the man to make sure each girl knows how he feels & make sure to spend most of your time with both of them...

Maintaining 1 relationship is a lot of work, maintaining a triangle relationship is 10 TIMES more work, you have to REALLY want it to make it work.

As for letting them know your interested the key is TALKING you MUST communicate in a triad relationship or IT WILL fall apart.
If you really want it its time to stop holding back & tell people how you feel, hopefully all will be willing to sit down & talk honestly, holding nothing back.

If you want it to last start with that strong foundation of honesty, openness & trust.

It CAN work.

AnnabelMore 03-31-2011 02:30 AM

Communication, communication, communication. Talk to your husband, talk to her. If everyone's into the idea you could try fooling around with her once, just to see how it goes. But get on the same page first, I think that'll help you be sure you're not doing it for the wrong reasons.

magikman79 03-31-2011 03:45 AM


Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 73834)
Communication, communication, communication. Talk to your husband, talk to her. If everyone's into the idea you could try fooling around with her once, just to see how it goes. But get on the same page first, I think that'll help you be sure you're not doing it for the wrong reasons.

more true words have never been spoken, do it for you, not for anyone else.

nycindie 03-31-2011 08:26 PM

Do you and your husband have scheduled date nights? If not, you should def make that a part of your relationship. Have dates, buy sexy underwear, etc. You need to feel just as special to him as she is, not just the wife he comes home to and does family type stuff with.

lotheriel79 04-01-2011 01:41 AM

I understand completley
First off let me say I am magik's wife, and I understand EXACTLY what you mean and how you feel.
when we started our triad it was that- both of us together, and in all honesty, while I was curious because I had never been with another woman, I more figured I would rather be involved and in a way have a little control over the situation, where as if he saw her separately I would have no idea what was really going on.
It turned out she and I hit it off GREAT for a while, and it was happiest time of our lives- for me and him anyway.
Now that it is over with her, I want that bad again, but with him involved.
While I COULD be with a girl on my own, having him with us made it complete.

So if you do go for it-- and I AGREE COMPLETELY with everyone here that talking about EVERYTHING is a MUST with EVERYONE all at once- not separately-- But if you go for it, and everyone agrees to try it out, You may learn a few things about yourself you never knew, and perhaps her as well.

One concern is though is she into girls too? Have you ever been interested in girls before now? And are you and your guy strong enough? It takes a STRONG couple to make a triad work, and kris and I grew strong because of this, but may not have been as strong as we thought when we started.
Will you be ok if it turns out she shows him more attention, and with the NRE- can you be ok with SEEING him show her more attention. If not it is probably better that you do not see it happening in front of your own eyes, because it is very valid and can happen, and does. There WILL be times you feel left out unless you and her hit it off REALLY well. And then if you guys hit it off- will be be ok if he gets left out from time to time? NRE is fun but it can be a bitch in a triad once it wears off for one side or sways from time to time from one person to the other. Equality is important in a triad and it is HARD to maintain.
These are all things to consider and talk over before you start.

Good Luck with what ever you choose.

koifish 04-02-2011 02:50 AM

I agree, it takes a strong couple to make a triad work. My impression is that triads don't often work out. There is a heck of a lot of pressure on the couple to manage the needs of a new person while not forgetting about their own. Things get constantly busy.

lotheriel79 04-02-2011 02:57 AM

Ahh but the busy was so nice.
Now it seems quiet and sad.

But we will move on, and perhaps it will work eventually for us.
When love happens you have to be ready and willing to work for it. If you're not it is not really love, is it?

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