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-   -   Questions from Newbie (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8301)

JameeDee 03-29-2011 07:34 PM

Questions from Newbie
 
Hi all,
I need some advice. I am new to this lifestyle and have recently started a relationship involving my husband and my girlfriend. It's only been going on about 4 weeks, and was all great in the beginning.

Now my hubby and gf have started arguing all the time. She's mad at him, or he's mad at her for some stupid reason all the time. It's making me crazy!

Is this a sign that this will never work? or is is always like this until things get settled?

Any and all advice is appreciated. I want this to work. I think everyone else does. At least that's what they tell me. :(

MonoVCPHG 03-29-2011 08:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JameeDee (Post 73557)
Is this a sign that this will never work? or is is always like this until things get settled?

:(


This is a sign that you are all normal people and that you are all not lost in lala land that so many think will last forever. It's work time :D Communicate, mediate if you have to, and find out what is the real issue behind thier arguments. It might have nothing to do with sharing you...it could be just that they have other differences.

Things have to setttle before you will find out wether it will work or not..all part of the process :)

LovingRadiance 03-29-2011 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JameeDee (Post 73557)
Is this a sign that this will never work? or is is always like this until things get settled?

Neither. It's a sign that communication skills need to be worked on. :)

ambleew 03-29-2011 10:24 PM

I am still VERY new to this and always seeking advice on these forums. EVERYONE has been great!! I am in a relationship currently with my husband and girlfriend and it has been a very very rocky road. We did things very quickly but somehow are managing to work through it. A lot of it honestly has to do with me listening to other people's opinions entirely too much!

BlackUnicorn 03-30-2011 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JameeDee (Post 73557)
Hi all,
I am new to this lifestyle and have recently started a relationship involving my husband and my girlfriend. It's only been going on about 4 weeks, and was all great in the beginning.

Hi and welcome!

Agree fully with the above posters. However, could you give us a little more background on your situation? How long have you all known each other before embarking on a relationship? Do all three of you self-identify as poly? Are there any other relationships going on outside of your triad? Is it a triad or a vee? Do you all live together? Are there kids involved? Do you spend all the time together the three of you? In bed, too? How did your current situation got started? Were you consciously looking for something like this, did things evolve naturally, what was the drama involved if any?

JameeDee 03-30-2011 06:21 PM

Answers!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 73677)
Hi and welcome!

Agree fully with the above posters. However, could you give us a little more background on your situation? How long have you all known each other before embarking on a relationship? Do all three of you self-identify as poly? Are there any other relationships going on outside of your triad? Is it a triad or a vee? Do you all live together? Are there kids involved? Do you spend all the time together the three of you? In bed, too? How did your current situation got started? Were you consciously looking for something like this, did things evolve naturally, what was the drama involved if any?

We have all three been friends for about 3 months. I have (within the last 10 years) identified myself as bisexual. My husband has always been OK with that, but he has never been involved. I've not ever identified myself as poly until now. There are no other relationships going on outside of our triad. We have agreed to a "safe-sex" bond - we will not sleep with anyone outside of our group. We do not live together, but are in the same town. I have one child, who is 16. My gf has three kids from age 3 - 13, all from a previous marriage. We spend time together (as a triad) and with all our kids together - and it's always great...in bed and out of bed :)

This situation got started after a night out...it started with she and I kissing and just lead into more. My husband got involved, with my blessing, that same night. I have been interested in having a girlfriend outside of the marriage, but was not at all sure I wanted my husband to be involved, and had not ever thought we would all be involved together.

I thought that this situation may have just been a one-time thing, but we all decided together that we wanted it to continue.

Since my post yesterday, we have all had a sit-down, grown-up talk and have established some rules.
1. No overnight stays
2. TALK more! If you're not sure what someone means by something...ask!
3. Independent hook-ups are OK ie. she and I, hubby and she, or hubby and I (of course)

The arguing between hubby and gf is very trivial. He said he would come see her at work, and didn't. She's disappointed. OR She makes some comment about some other guy being "the man" - hubby is jealous, but won't admit it.

We are all learning a growing here. it's a whole new ballgame to all three of us.

Anything I didnt' answer? just ask!

Thanks for all your input. I truly appreciate your help. <3

BlackUnicorn 03-30-2011 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JameeDee (Post 73734)
Since my post yesterday, we have all had a sit-down, grown-up talk and have established some rules.
1. No overnight stays
2. TALK more! If you're not sure what someone means by something...ask!
3. Independent hook-ups are OK ie. she and I, hubby and she, or hubby and I (of course)

The arguing between hubby and gf is very trivial. He said he would come see her at work, and didn't. She's disappointed. OR She makes some comment about some other guy being "the man" - hubby is jealous, but won't admit it.

Okay. Things are super-new.

A few points come to mind:

1) Safe-sex inside the group, yay! Probably not a problem this early on in the relationship, but have you thought about possible outside crushes and how to deal with them? It seems your hubby would be most comfortable with one-penis-policy, but is that really realistic?

Also, safe-sex as in being fluid-bonded inside the group? How about babies? I know it sounds silly to ask this, but things like these happen - condom breakage, forgetting the pill etc.

2) Rules 2 and 3 seem very sensible. However, what's behind rule 1? Too different morning-habits?

3) The reasons you describe for your hubby and gf arguing seem very basic 'new relationship, shitloads of insecurity' -stuff. Since you were the primus motor behind this triad, they might not have yet had the opportunity to develop their relationship. To encourage that, independent hook-ups, dates etc. might help.

The only insecurities you can deal with, unfortunately, are your own. You can hook them up with resources (like this board, internet resources on polyamory, the local poly community etc.) that might help then deal with jealousy & insecurity, though. And you can always self-educate!

If it doesn't turn out into a lasting triad, don't despair. Treasure the vee if a vee it becomes. Cultivate individual relationships with both. You have a very healthy attitude to working things out together.

SNeacail 03-30-2011 09:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JameeDee (Post 73734)
1. No overnight stays

I agree with BU, this just seems really off balance and unfair.

Penny 03-30-2011 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 73775)
I agree with BU, this just seems really unfair off balance and unfair.

I'd be leaning toward calling it arbitrary, though it might be unfair.

I am also curious about the reason for rule #1.

pollyshari 03-30-2011 10:46 PM

Our "unicorn" and hubby have a completely different way of interacting with each other. It is amusing to watch the difference, knowing hubby like I do. I can actually see how his relationship with someone other than myself is.

I treat there disagreements the same as I would if he were arguing with one of his friends, sometimes I butt in and sometimes I don't. They can work on things without my influence always being there.


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