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-   -   Coming out of lurkdom... a little about me. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8285)

PolyNrrdGrrl 03-29-2011 02:23 AM

Coming out of lurkdom... a little about me.
 
Welllll, I've been around and reading for... jeez, at least a year and a half to two years and have never bothered to join or post. But I've told my boyfriend that it's a good idea that we both join the forum. I've long accepted the fact that I am poly, but actually exercising it in a healthy manner is new to me. I've always gotten myself involved in relationships where I will start out by saying "I am polyamorous. I love other people. But I will be monogamous for you until you're ready"... and as it turns out, when you throw a mono a bone..... they don't ever want to give it up ;)
Not that I think self sacrifice is bad in a relationship, it just... well, has ended pretty terribly for me each time. Once the NRE runs out and I am ready to start seeing other people or I meet someone I would like to explore chemistry with, or resume a past sexual relationship etc... it turns into a trainwreck. Enter my current boyfriend, Lookatmues. I've been taking that same approach with him. The problem is, when I met him, I was rather involved with another man, J. We just happened to be fighting at the time - childish, I know. I didn't expect that *poof* our drama would disappear and things would return to normal. The only difference? We don't have sex, because while LAM and I are not "monogamous", he is not yet open to any outside sexual relationships...he's not really open to any other types of relationships either, but it's my belief that we don't choose who we are in relationships with - just what we call them. I am very obviously in a relationship with J - we spend nearly every day together (he lives several streets away, LAM is 30 mins away and we only have weekends available due to my parenting schedule and both of our work schedules) , we share a lot together, i love him, we were formerly involved sexually.

Anyway, this thing with J isn't even a conflict in our relationship. I just thought it might come up at some point, so it would be important to include in my intro ;)

I also have a girlfriend, C... we have been together for a long time now. She's been my best friend for a couple of years and I honestly couldn't live without her. We see each other pretty rarely these days and we have very rarely been sexually active, so LAM's restrictions don't really affect our relationship. She predates him, and is a huge priority in my life.

Which brings me to this... I have always thought that I needed to operate on a hierarchical relationship structure... having a "Primary" or domestic partner and then letting the others kind of fall in where they will. I've been questioning that lately, but I know that a huge part of where LAM stands in our relationship is that he feels he has to be sure he is my "#1". I'm beginning to feel that may be unfair. I'd like to have a domestic partner - as in the person I have children with, live with, etc. But I'm starting to think that ultimately, I'd be okay with having more than one person in that position.

Anyway. So that's my romantic status. I'm in three relationships, but "technically" only in one ;-) I have several sexual-only partners that I have not been with in a long time, but they would still be on the table if it were possible. ;p

As far as I go, my most important quality is openness and honesty. I really value that about myself.

Aaaand I suppose I have written enough. I look forward to getting to know you all :)

PolyNrrdGrrl 03-29-2011 02:27 AM

I forgot to mention that LAM and I are exploring polyamory together, because of the fact that I've realized that the approach I've taken makes me unhappy and is simply destructive. My post got kind of muddled and the point was lost ;p

LovingRadiance 03-29-2011 04:16 AM

Welcome to the board. ;)

Somegeezer 03-29-2011 07:02 AM

Welcome. Not often I read such long posts, but yours was pretty interesting I suppose. I'm generally about if you feel the need to talk to someone one to one. Just send a pm my way. Hope everyone makes you feel very welcome, as I expect they will. =]

Carma 03-29-2011 03:30 PM

Welcome, glad you were brave enough to jump in!


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