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-   -   new and confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8227)

newconfused 03-27-2011 06:47 PM

new and confused
 
Sorry long……Hubby and I decided to have a threesome with a female friend of his. She approached us that she was interested in having one because she was attracted to us both. She set a date in which to have her and I go out in order to get to know her better and see if I was attracted to her and see if I wanted to take it further. The date went great and we decided to go back to our house to have some play time.

She is very experienced with threesomes and being with women and this was my first time at both. It was understood that I am shy and that she should be the instigator, but I ended up having to come on to her in order to get things going. She was on her time of the month so it was suppose to be introducing me to everything and playing with hubby. She ended up making out with us and licking my nipples and touching my vagina but no oral sex or interaction with hubby other than kissing and him touching her breasts. The next day I contacted her to see if she was interested in hubby and she said she was but she wanted to take things slow and work up to things. I was fine with that and made sure she knew that I was okay with her being with hubby as long as it was when we are all together, there was not to be anything separate because we are a package deal and not interested in having relations solo outside our marriage. She agreed to this and basically made us feel like she was in it for the long run and that we would be considering her our girlfriend.

Before this all happened she texted my husband constantly and he would do so to her because she had gone through a rough spell previously and he wanted to be there to help her through it. After this incident she slowed down on the text and would only reply when we contacted her. So we set a time to meet her for lunch because we have not seen her in 10 days. The first thing she says is she isn’t wearing panties and we blow it off as being flirty. While we had lunch some guy that frequents the bar comes and kisses her on the lips and text her constantly, this is fine because we understand that she has her own life outside of us. She comes back to our house and hangs out for most of the night, it was about 12 hours from lunch to when we take her home. While she was at our house we did not take it sexual because we wanted her to be able to come over without every time being about sex. During the time she was here she texted a lot.

So she decided to go home and I went to the bathroom and she had been hovering around hubby so he decided to grab her butt to see what she would do and she started encouraging him that she wanted to have sex. She flashed him and asked if he wanted to touch her hair down there. He kissed her and she pushed him away and said she wanted to be a good girl tonight and asked to leave. I took her home by myself and she didn’t make a move on me either. We are all adults and if she doesn’t want to be with us in that way say so or don’t tease us. I may end up saying something to her but I do not want to chase her off either, hubby and I wanted to have a girlfriend that was our friend first and that we can trust but she is sending us mixed signals.

Any comments would be appreciated. We have never done this before and we are not sure if she is just leading us on or wants us to chase after her or maybe we are just reading too much into it?

Thanks!

redpepper 03-27-2011 06:59 PM

I picked up two things in your post; she said to take it slow and she is the one who likes to pursue. I also picked up that she is a flirt and jumped ahead to saying she is your girlfriend.

The girlfriend part is a mixed message I think that maybe you should read as she thinks there might be potential for that. I think I would just flirt and let her make a move. Maybe your move on her was distasteful to her and moving too fast. I don't like people making a move on me. I am the move maker... if someone makes a move on me I see is as invading my boundaries and going a pace that is more quick than I like. It sounds like she might be like that... I don't know for sure, you'd have to ask her.

It sounds like a whole lot more communication needs to happen and perhaps more time.

newconfused 03-27-2011 07:09 PM

Thanks for the replies. The girlfriend thing is something hubby and I thought between the two of us because she was interested in doing things with us that are months away like going on a trips together etc. and that she implied that the sexual part was going to go in stages but has had no interest since. She was all hot and bothered about it before and then nothing after.

She knows that I am shy and that she will have to start things but then she doesn't want to. She has put me in situations where she is acting like she wants me to touch her or kiss her but I am not the kind of person to normally make the move and she knows that.

We are very confused about why she teases hubby but then does not want to follow through. Yes, communication is a problem but now that he does not feel as close to her as a friend we are hesitant to put it all out there with her.

LT4everu2 03-27-2011 07:14 PM

I wish there was labels for everyone. That way, we would all know if the other person is the "move maker", or the "move makee". :P LOL

newconfused 03-27-2011 07:19 PM

lol...I know. She knows that she has to be the move maker because we are inexperienced but it seems like she has no interest unless we chase after her. I am just worried that this is going to ruin the friendship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LT4everu2 (Post 73190)
I wish there was labels for everyone. That way, we would all know if the other person is the "move maker", or the "move makee". :P LOL


newconfused 03-27-2011 08:09 PM

We are starting to feel like it was the thrill of the hunt and now that it is over she isn't interested.

LT4everu2 03-27-2011 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newconfused (Post 73191)
lol...I know. She knows that she has to be the move maker because we are inexperienced but it seems like she has no interest unless we chase after her. I am just worried that this is going to ruin the friendship.

Personal opinion: If she knows you are not the move maker, and she PREFERS to be the move maker, then she is trying to let you know that she is not interested, yet still stringing you along in typical attention whore fashion. :( I'm just saying....This has been OUR experience. I would corner her on it, and confront her about it. Let her know your concerns and your questions. Why play games?

Just ask....and get it out in the open. To hell with the guessing game. Whats the worst that could happen if you ask? She gets embarrassed and doesn't talk to you for a little while? But if you never ask, you never know for sure, and are always guessing.;)

redpepper 03-27-2011 09:20 PM

I agree with LT4, just ask if she is interested and maybe tell her that her friendship is more important so maybe this isn't a good idea for now and you would rather see what happens. You can also ask her not to lead anyone on without discussing sex ahead of time or intending to follow through. Her mixed messages are confusing. I think her knowing that might help.


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