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-   -   Now what do I do? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8207)

meinsb 03-27-2011 02:22 AM

Now what do I do?
I've known I was different for a long time, but I didn't realize it was more than just sexually.

My whole life has been long term relationships, and I have never done anything behind my partners back, but I have asked for some very strange things/arrangements up front and honest like. Being honest has given me a life free of cheating and guilt, but begun to take something else away, and thats being who I truly am.

I continually asked my wife during college if we could involve another person in our relationship sexually. She said no a lot, but once in a while thought about it seriously. Overtime, she began to become more closed minded towards discussing it, and I discovered the term polyamorous. Suddenly I felt linked to a lifestyle that seemed to make sense to me, but the discovered was fueled by an interest to have another women in our bed.

I let the whole idea die and gave up trying to involve the other women. A year or so went by and polyamory seemed to stay in the background of my mind. Then about six months ago, I talked to my wife again about it and realized without any motives that I might actually be poly without just a need for kinky sex.

After I came out to her I decided I should let things marinate for a few months to see if I believed myself. What I've found during that time that I do still identify that way, and have begun coming out to close to friends and my sister who is also struggling with possibly being poly.

For now I realize I have zero jealousy in the idea of my wife having other people she loves. I am content staying monogamous while we figure out what to do next, and generally confused about why I am different from other people. Despite loving my wife and never wanting to hurt her or leave her, I realize I am not going to change and would love another if I could do it without hurting her. Right now it would hurt her so I choose not to pursue anything, but this doesn't make me less poly.

I also don't expect her to ever become poly. She is as much a monogamous person as I am a poly, and we seem to respect each other for those facts. But we both don't know what to do now. Months go by and nothing is a problem for her, cause I just suppress my feelings. Whenever I get interested in pursuing something though it gets complicated though. Most recently she agreed to be sexual with another man if it made me happy. This is a nice temporary compromise, and I do enjoy the idea of sharing with her rather than doing something on my own, but none of it ultimately seems to make us both happy all the time.

As a completely new member of the society I am still having a really hard time figuring out what the head on my shoulders is thinking versus what my lesser wise head is focused on. I joined this community to start getting all my thoughts and confusion out in the world to discuss. I can't keep working on this by myself hoping to figure it all out.

Any advice would be great, thanks.

redpepper 03-27-2011 03:05 AM

My only suggestion would be to do a lot of reading here and get your wife to join you. There is a large population of mono people on here doing their best to understand us crazy people called polyamorists :eek: :cool: ... she would be very welcome and in good company. Check out threads on "mono poly" "foundations" "lessons" "triads" "vees" and anything else that comes up along the way... taking your time is really respectful to her, but getting her engaged with the process will move her into acceptance... very important :) good luck and welcome.

meinsb 03-28-2011 04:46 AM


It was pretty rough getting to an agreeable place with my wife. Her fears and concerns run the gambit. She truly believes a person cannot love multiple people and things I will quickly find someone else I love more than her.

She thinks I will be seeing tons of people, that maybe I'll want them all living with us. That I'll want to have kids with all kinds of women. She is afraid she is not good enough. I tell her it going to be ok and we can work through everything.

There is a women I like, but have not pursued because it would not have matched my relationship status. After discussing everything my wife has asked that I do not talk to her for the next day and give her the day before I contact the other girl. This is to help her clear her head.

I am not sure if any of it is making much sense right now, but I am absolutely willing to wait the day for her to get her head straight. I believe she is wired mono as opposed to other monos who may not know what else there is out there. I am fine with this and fine with her needing a lot of emotional support before anything really happens.

We'll have to take the first step at some point or it will keep nagging me. One benefit to the person I am going to open up to and see how she responds is that she lives in a different state, so the relationship will not be based on physical things.

Quath 03-28-2011 05:44 AM

Insecurity and jealousy are big concerns for a poly relationship. One way to help your partner understand is to make an analogy to having children. If you have another child, it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with the first child. It doesn't mean you love the first child any less. It doesn't mean you will leave the first child when the going gets rough.

I would suggest taking it slow and let your wife adjust slowly. Talk a lot about your wants desires and feelings. It is ok for her to feel jealous. She can work on that feeling by addressing the insecurity at the root.

I think having a support group helps. There are a lot of monogamous people with polyamorous partners. Talking to them can help deal with feelings and coping mechanisms.

redpepper 03-28-2011 06:15 AM

Going at the pace of the one who is struggling the most is an awesome idea... I wonder who thought of that?:p Might I suggest a tag search on "jealousy" for you and your partner to take a gander at?

meinsb 03-28-2011 02:48 PM

I love my wife, it was the initial shock factor that she didn't take well to. Shes known I was different for a long time, but the idea of actually moving forward is hard for her.

She got back to me last night saying go ahead and take the first step, I love you for who you are. I got to tell her I would wait a day to show her that I care about how this effects her, and she says that is what is important to her.

Rough start, but things seem to be going well. It is nice to have a community of people who feel the same way as I do. The world felt somewhat lonely when it seemed no one understood me.


meinsb 03-28-2011 02:53 PM

Quath, its funny you say that. Back when I was learning it was ok to love multiple people, I remember thinking about the same thing, and I have talked to her about how love works with kids, other family, friends. Her next leap was to say the only thing left is sex.

The key for us is to talk with you guys a lot and take it slow. I am taking the first step soon, but that is not to say I am going to be running quickly into anything. My wife knows the girl, she had babysat our son several times. Shes known I liked her because I have told her before.

W (wife) is struggling to see how things can work, its almost as if I am not seeing somebody, or the moment I say hello they will suddenly be on the same relationship level as her and I. All relationships take time to develop. So we will just go one small step at a time.

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