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-   -   Is there any benefit?? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8206)

dub1h 03-27-2011 02:13 AM

Is there any benefit??
 
What would be the benefit of a mono person dating someone who was poly? Is the only gain to be able to spend time with that particular person, who doesn't have eyes for only you, even though that's how you feel about them?

MonoVCPHG 03-27-2011 02:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dub1h (Post 73067)
What would be the benefit of a mono person dating someone who was poly? Is the only gain to be able to spend time with that particular person, who doesn't have eyes for only you, even though that's how you feel about them?

Well, if you are mono and have time consuming hobbies that would normally annoy a mono partner, having someone with more partners could be a benefit.

Just because you are mono doesn't mean you want a full time partner or serious commitment...that might be a benefit to a casual poly relationship. In fact it could be a safety mechanism to avoid normal monogamous commitment things like marriage or family functions.

If you question your own motives for being mono (conditioning or wiring) having a poly relationship could force you to look very deep into yourself.

Do I think it is recommended or wise to actively seek out a relationship with a poly person if you are mono?....definitely not, but I don't think it is wise for a poly person to seek out a mono partner either.

For me personally there is only one advantage...and her name is Redpepper!! :D

Fenpry 03-27-2011 02:35 AM

I agree completely with MonoVCPHG, but I do think that if you're interested in possibly in the future having a poly relationship, or want to explore it, it could help. You might want to simply look into it more. But if you truly just want a mono relationship and want someone "to have eyes for only you" then you shouldn't pursue this person.

redpepper 03-27-2011 03:25 AM

Fuck if I know. Heh, ;) just kidding, kind of. If you're mono I really see no advantage. I suppose if you really love the person and can occupy your time with other pursuits then why not. I really find I gain more from the arrangement I'm in. At least most of the time. Then again, we arranged it loike that. No one negotiated all this for us.

dub1h 03-27-2011 04:27 AM

my question comes up because of a recent poly fiasco (failure?)

I think that when you break poly down, the root is in the open communication and honesty, with a willingness to compromise so that everyone is happy. I think only emotionally distant people could ever have a poly relationship where there are no negative emotions such as jealousy or feeling left out. The relationship part comes into play when everyone is trying to handle those emotions and get back to an even keel, right?

Well I think I am kind of mono in a way. When I meet a girl I really like, I am only interested in them. The other people just don't seem to interest me as much because my time is for the girl i am already with. The rest of the time I spend mostly alone because I'm sort of like that to begin with.

But I do see why it might be good to be poly. There's a certain level of detachment from love. It's like being in love just staring into someone's eyes and resisting the urge to walk up and hug them tightly, never letting go. It's kind of good to live that way because a lot of times, things don't last forever, or people move, life happens. Especially at a young age (thinking early 20s, college aged).

But I think that the open communication is what I see most important in a relationship. I suppose there may not be an advantage to dating a girl who is herself poly, but there is no harm as long as I have my short list of needs fulfilled?

Sorry this is all kind of a learning experience about myself. I've learned a lot about what I really want in a relationship ever since my breakup. Poly fails when there are a lot of people thrown into the fray with zero warning, and when everyone has different expectations......

Somegeezer 03-27-2011 04:42 AM

It seems to me that you could really help yourself understand polyamory by reading a lot more on the forum. You have this skewed idea of what it really is.

nycindie 03-27-2011 04:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dub1h (Post 73095)
I do see why it might be good to be poly. There's a certain level of detachment from love.

Huh? What do you mean by that? I wonder, also, if you really understand polyamory.

dub1h 03-27-2011 03:14 PM

I guess what I meant by detachment was that your relationship has to be a lot more fluid. You have to be ready to adapt and compromise with whatever comes up, i.e. your partner might get invited by the other for a weekend trip. You may have wanted to spend time with them that weekend, but have to compromise since the trip can only be taken on those days.

Has my perception of polyamory been jaded? Did my ex hurt me with how she went about it?
Or am I resistant? Was everything under normal conditions, and I just freaked out?

TruckerPete 03-27-2011 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dub1h (Post 73143)
Has my perception of polyamory been jaded? Did my ex hurt me with how she went about it?
Or am I resistant? Was everything under normal conditions, and I just freaked out?

What happened?

SNeacail 03-27-2011 04:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dub1h (Post 73143)
Has my perception of polyamory been jaded? Did my ex hurt me with how she went about it?

Sounds like it.

Life is full of compromises. I am NOT in a poly relationship and if feels like we are in constant negotiations. I have 2 kids both heavily involved in activities and my husband has his own activities. There are big blow out fights on occassion, because something was not put on the calendar or the calendar was not check prior to committing to something else. Sometimes I think my husbands activities qualify as a second family.

Let me tell you COMMUNICATION is absolute key in any parntership! Whether it's keeping your partner informed of schedules, situations and activities or letting your partner know your needs.

For example: My husband is super involved in Boy Scouts so if I just told him that I want to go camping, he would say, "OK, the next trip is in 2 weeks, join us." I have to be specific, "I want to go camping with just our immediate family, just the 4 of us, no scouts, no other families (he has been know to invite others with out discussing it with me).


Quote:

What would be the benefit of a mono person dating someone who was poly?
That would depend on the mono, the poly and the situation. There is no one answer. Not all mono's are going to be hit with the same jealousy issues and even poly folk face jealousy. I do think that life situations (age, health, work, family, religon, etc) play an enourmous role in ones ability to accept a poly partner or not.


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