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-   -   Stuck and Confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8203)

Fenpry 03-27-2011 01:43 AM

Stuck and Confused
I've been in polyamorous relationships before but am currently in a monogamous one. I'm in a relationship at the moment and have often brought up a polyamory lifestyle and although he seems to understand it he seems very hesitant to pursue it. He says he's okay with me bringing in female partners but no male partners and gives me the simple reason that it's territorial instinct, yet seems to like the idea of being able to bring in female partners for himself as well. He claims that he's happy being monogamous but understands where I'm coming from and would pursue this lifestyle but finds it completely new to his ways. As of now, I'm not sure how to go about it. I've been with him for 2 years and do not want to lose him but I'm not sure he really gets it or if this is fitting for us with his views. I do believe poly relationships are better fitting for my own views and simply myself but I'm currently stuck. Any advice would be greatly appreciated :)

meinsb 03-27-2011 02:09 AM

stuck and confused too
I've never been in a polyamorous relationship before. Basically I came out as poly with my wife about six months ago. Prior to, we had discussed it some, but I was still too unsure to commit to being truly different.

Now we are in a bit of a tough spot because we love each other, but she is defiantly monogamous, and I am more sure I am poly by the day.

Brining a man or a women into our relationship is something she is willing to do for the sake of allowing me to have what works for me. Basically she feels as long as I am willing to maintain a mostly monogamous relationship, she is willing to be somewhat sexually promiscuousness.

At first this seemed like a great breakthrough, but now I feel it is a temporary solution for a more difficult problem. In our relationship the only thing that has happened physically was kind of like a couples foursome, but the only ones doing anything was my wife and the other women.

Us men were friends and sort of respected each others space and girlfriends in bed. Plus we were all drinking so the whole situation was not very deliberate.

I have come out to very few people and am struggling with being honest with myself about being different.

Fenpry 03-27-2011 02:27 AM

I'm not in search for just other partners for a physical thing, as I care more for intellectual connections with people but everyone's different. It's good that your wife is open to it, you can probably talk to her more about it and get her to learn about it on her own and that way be able to understand it more. Although, if she is set on it being more monogamous than anything else, you'll probably have some issues. What I would suggest is to have her as your primary and remind her of that and then have other partners as secondaries to your relationship. Ask her why she mostly wants it monogamous, what are her fears, troubles?

Btw, considering you said you're a male, you mentioned that you were okay with bringing in female and male partners, if you don't mind me asking are you straight or bi? Because my partner says that as a straight male does not want any male partners involved with me and I don't really understand his reasoning.

meinsb 03-27-2011 02:42 AM

I have a difficult time saying what I've said about sexual things, because I feel it is contrary to the basic principle of polyamoy which is about multiples loves and not promiscuity.

That is the reason I figured polyamory was more of a cover for wanting to be promiscuous. Six months ago when I 'came out' as poly, it was with the full understanding that is can't be just about sex. Now I am getting involved with the community to see what it is.

Shortly after I came out as poly I also had to face the fact that I am not straight. For A while I kinda let that stay under the radar, but now I identify as bi. I don't believe I am an even 50/50 split, but I am way to knew at all this to say. Mostly for both my sexuality and relationship choices, I am feeling enormous society pressures not to be the way I am. Coming out to a close friend and my sister seemed fairly easy. Then I came out to my brother which was tough at first, but went really well in the end.

Right now I am just soul searching to figure out what I am, and today is my first day talking to people I don't know about these topics. I am surprised how easy it is to talk though.

meinsb 03-27-2011 02:49 AM

Its difficult for me not to think about sex right now in particular because my wife is in Spokane and I am in Santa Barbara for the next six months. This was a way for us to begin our new lives out of college. I just started a career down in SB and she is finishing her career start their before moving here.

Your partner seems caught up on the sexual part of it as well if he is interested in you brining women, but not interested in men. I am thinking, I need to step away from sex completely and look at seeing another person intellectually. If that feels good I will consider other things.

The largest factor in my identifying as poly is my lack of jealousy. If things were flipped around, and my wife wanted a more open relationship, I wouldn't be afraid of losing her, and would be happy that the other person/people made her happy.

redpepper 03-27-2011 03:40 AM

He wants a unicorn then? Its a typical place to start in poly. Really not un common. I suggest doing a search in the tags for "unicorn" to see what has been suggested in the past. Some good threads there.

I also suggest he reads here also and does a search in the tags for "mono/poly" lots of great threads and great mono people struggling to make sense of poly, just as he is.

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