Not really new, but sort of? Hah
Hello Everyone. I am coming to this board to get some insight I suppose. I am in what is much like a marriage (being that I am technically female, as is my partner, we cannot legally be married). She is 29 and I am 27. We have been together for just over 4 year and met in collage through a Gay Straight Alliance sort of club there. I have been living with her and co-parenting her now 9-year-old daughter for the majority of this time.
I know my story of my relationship is going to sound really harsh, so before I get into it, may I just say that I love my partner, heart and soul. I love her from her toe nails to the tiny hairs that stick up on the top of her head when she pulls her hair up. She is the kindest, most sexy, smartest, gorgeous woman I've -ever- had the pleasure to meet and our chemistry both in day to day interactions and the bedroom is awe inspiring to me when we are in a good spot. And I know that she loves me deeply. But I sometimes heavily question whether love to me and love to her mean the same things.
We had probably about 6 months of semi-stable relationship. I don't want to get into a gory play-by-play recount (and it would take all night to do it if I did) but lets say our relationship has never been that stable. She has been just awful with cheating (which I do understand is totally different than a polyamorous agreement) sense the get go, and though I am not really the jealous type, everyone has their limits. Still, I thought we could work out our problems. We had a major blow out about a year after we started dating and were living together and she and I broke up. Hard. I didn't, however, move out out of obligation to help her with bills and her child who I had come to love like my own blood. Over the course of a month, and the tale gets a bit sorted at this point (again with gory details), and she met someone else. I was also dating someone else at the time, but when we had decided to get back together, I broke all ties with her. My partner did too.... for a while.
After about another 6 months we found ourselves in the same spot. And this time the girl moved in. I had planned to move out once our bills got cleared out and I found a place but we reconnected and the other girl, after about 3 or so months ended up leaving after they broke up. She swore off ever doing anything like that to me again and vowed that she wouldn't contact this other person ever again and we were ok again... for a while. This time we lasted about a year. She started getting really sullen. Really depressed. At the time I had lost my job and was working for very low pay and we were struggling. One night I came home to her in tears and she told me she had been speaking to this other girl, who I will call C. It didn't take long until they were going out "as friends." Going out as friends lasted about a few weeks until she went out one night and didn't come back until dawn and I had to go to work. I didn't know what to do. I started to make arrangements to leave her when I got hit with a bomb shell. She wanted to have a polyamorous relationship with both of us. We would both be her partners. I was so hurt, but hopeful that it would help. That she would be happy.
We all moved into a house. We all fought ALOT in the beginning. And I mean a WHOLE lot. But we have mostly settled down to a routine. She sleeps 1/2 the nights of a week with me, the other 1/2 with C. We both have separate rooms and she goes between them on a regular schedule.
I have made very good friends with C (who is curiously feminine -- a trait my mate has always proclaimed to dislike) , but we still posture and snarl at one another from time to time. I know I am VERY threatened by her. She is very beautiful. Ridiculously so. I am not unattractive myself, but physically, I have no hope to compete with her and that makes me very nervous. I know looks aren't everything. But it hurts when your mate looks with real, palpable want at someone and seems to never see you that way. They are also very similar in mind. While I am intelligent in a technical/mechanical way, they both can really understand poetry, literature, philosophy and what have you which leaves me feeling like a slack-jawed idiot and confused. But for all their chemistry, I feel -bad- for C. They fight often still and I seem to be dragged into it a lot, often against my will. I think C and I both feel very claustrophobic about our relationship with our mutual partner (being poly in the south kind of cuts you off from sharing your life with others as well as the demands of our lives getting in the way)
Now that we have all been living together for just over a year I find am re-evaluating my life. I have always considered myself monogamous, but recently I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore. I don't like where my life and relationship has brought me. I feel unfulfilled in my career and relationship. I don't feel that I am getting the love, time, or sexual attention I need to be happy. And while I love my quirky little family and it makes me physically ill to think of hurting any of them, I feel a drastic change is necessary for me to continue, or I do not know how I can carry on as it stands now. And add on top of that the fact that I have had feelings for C for the last few months. We have gotten close recently and I have helped her through some heavy stuff. I don't know if I am simply transferring my dissatisfaction with my relationship with my partner onto her or if it is really real stuff. But I do know that she would not be interested in prosuing that with me and my partner would be wholly unhappy with the idea so I am stuck with all these intense emotions I cannot talk to about with anyone. Especially the people I most want to understand it. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Just an aside; How is the nine year old coping with all this instability? I have an almost 8 year old. I would wonder how much he would be taking in of all this and what it would be teaching him of relationships and connection with others...
Good luck. I hope you figure out what works for you. When I was around 30 I went through a huge change that meant leaving my wife for our shared partner who is now my husband. It was a massive deal. I didn't want to and lost my community along with her, they didn't know about him. I had to end it... and she agreed. She had a different path than me and I had a destiny to fulfill.
She is now still a huge part of my life and I love her like never before. I would be honoured if she would take me back as a love of hers, but she is mono and uninterested... I would rather have what we have as close friends than lose her because I want something more/different.
I would wonder if perhaps you are just ready to end this pace you have been keeping and settle into something different and more stable so that you can concentrate on other things. Personally I invest a lot in partners ability to rely on them to provide stability for me as I do them. Maybe I am not the right person here to suggest anything as I just don't have relationships where everyone is scattered and doing whatever the fancy takes. Perhaps someone else will chime in? :)That's the thoughts I have anyway. Good luck and welcome. :)
Gosh, I remember when I was in my late 20s - all my relationships were filled with drama and angst. I wonder if that's just par for the course at a certain age. I remember my astrologer telling me, "the 20s are all about fucking up" (and learning from our mistakes). Anyway...
I just think you all need to communicate more - a pow-wow with all three of you present to talk about how things are going emotionally for each of you, perhaps on a regular basis. If your relationship's in trouble, I would step carefully but examine it and really get clear on how everyone's feeling. That seems to be the thing that has messed you all up before -- lack of communication, or not enough communication.
You didn't mention how much socializing you do together, but I also think that maybe doing fun things as a group of three, and also just you and C, might bring some more of a sense of cohesion and stability to you all. Just my intuition telling me that.
All the best to you...
Communication. Yes! Definitely that! :)
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