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-   -   Don't really know what I'm doing... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8193)

TravelGuy25 03-26-2011 07:23 PM

Don't really know what I'm doing...
 
I'll try to explain my situation as best as I can and would love if someone could give me advice, reassurance, or anything at all. Have no one to talk to other than the girl in question. This may be long so I apologize in advance.

I am a 22 year old male who has made the decision to ditch my life and go backpacking, travel, see the world and had to leave a relationship for me to be committed to it (this is a non-issue). I have zero interest in a relationship and have told myself this. In that year I have made no attempt at "picking up girls", mostly because I am bad at it.

It has been a year since I left my past relationship and I have met a friend of a friend, 24 year old female, who is a traveler and has traveled. We are so alike it is scary. We start talking about travel at first, and then get into more sensitive issues - religion, life, goals - and surprisingly we don't disagree in the slightest. Never had that before. This girl is engaged to be married in 6 months and so as we progress in our topics of discussion I never sway towards anything sexual. As time passes though we both start to realize some of the things that we are doing aren't exactly in the "lets talk as friends" area.

We talk until 3 and 4 in the morning for a week straight. We watch shows together and text during. We laugh at each other's bad jokes and I genuinely start to enjoy talking to this girl. Eventually the topic comes up of her relationship. They are both travelers and have been separated for months at a time with each other in different parts of the world. She has been with another guy while traveling in the UK and explained that this guy was madly in love with her but she only wanted the sex. Her fiancée actually flew from south america to meet her in the UK to propose and that was when the relationship in the UK ended and they moved back home.

I start to think this is odd of course but I consider myself very understanding and I don't judge her. Eventually she comes out with that her fiancee has actually asked her to go sleep with another man if he cant satisfy her enough. I think she told me this in order to get the conversation going in this direction but I still hold reservations. I keep telling myself "this girl is about to be married, I'm not that guy".

We eventually hang out for coffee before meeting up with friends at a bar. It's great. Spending time with her is fantastic. The night at the bar is awkward but good. Everyone leaves around 1am and me and her sit and talk until we get kicked out of the bar for it to close up a few hours later.

We talk more and make plans to hang out at my place and watch our favourite show we love to make fun off. That night we sleep in the same bed. She is throwing signal after signal after me but I don't want to bite. I mean I do, but I don't want to be that guy. Nothing happens that night and she leaves in the morning.

That day we talk, via text, and it comes out she desperately wanted me to make a move. So now it's on. I am so infatuated with this girl at this point I just push the issues aside and we begin to talk sexually. We really open up about the idea of having a "friends with benefits" relationship and communication is great. She explains her relationship is very different and she needs this. I don't want a relationship and she needs casual sex. So, the agreement is formed and we have to wait a week before meeting up.

We still talk excessively, every day for hours. The night comes and we cant keep our hands off each other long. It was awkward at first but the sex was fantastic. However, I could tell she was confused. As was I. We didn't go into specifics of "what do we do after sex, during sex?". We hold each other, hold hands. Lock eyes and kiss each other for hours, falling asleep for moments of time and waking up lock eyed again and kiss more. We begin to talk more open about feelings. She goes back and forth from telling me I make her feel like she is 15 again and she is nervous every time she sees me complete with butterflies and word fumbling to re assuring that its just sexual.

She went out drinking last night and it seemed as if she was trying to gauge my jealousy of another guy hitting on her at the bar. I am a little jealous but I've never been the jealous type so I don't really bite. It seems to bother her but she brushes it off quick and I get the feeling the goes back and forth between states of feelings beyond sexual towards me and the hard ass, more mature girl looking for sex.

I'm not really sure what to do. We are spending the day together this Sunday to watch movies and just relax for a day together. I can't wait. But is that right? This seems more like a love affair. Is this a normal thing?

The hard thing about it is I'll be out of the country by the end of the year, and so will she. I've turned down multiple relationship opportunities with beautiful women but this one is different. If she was single I have no doubt we would be together. Right now in "our agreement", it feels like we are in a secret cocoon that is starting to change and we both have one hand holding it down and another pulling it open.

I need advice.

redpepper 03-26-2011 10:54 PM

*Sigh,* I was actually holding my breath when I read your post hoping that you would still say you never slept with her... *sigh*.... ah well, now you've gone and cheated. now what.

Well, for starters I will say what I always say and that is to do a tag search for "cheating" and you will see what hardships people go through as cheaters and being cheated on... even people that are the ones who cheat because the one that they were with cheated.

To me cheating is not ever an option, regardless of how much someone is dying to fuck, and says that their partner won't mind. To me, the go ahead comes from the partner, not the person I would want to sleep with. From experience I have learned that sex without full consent from all involved is just not worth it for the very reasons you are now experiencing. It's all hot and heavy and awesome during and then all hell sets in and people rise above hormones and suddenly "see" properly.

By how she is acting, she thinks she has fucked up. The man she is engaged to would not of liked what she did, by her thoughts and gut feeling. I would wonder if she told him or mentioned that you and her are getting to that point. I would wonder how much honesty she has had with him and also you for that matter... you only have her word after all as it seems you didn't contact him in advance....

She promised herself to another man. Whether he said to her or not that she should go and do whatever still doesn't indicate that he thought she would or that they set up some kind of way of dealing with that.... its all just words by the sounds of it. Or has she done this before.

It sounds like what usually happens happened.... sex changes EVERYTHING. I have never known in my own life for this to ever be different from this statement.

I have friends that would argue that point as they can fuck whomever and be kinda *meh, that was good* and move on... granted these experiences are more when they go to organized sex parties (swinging) or on dates with friends with benefits where EVERYONE knows what the nature of the relationship is, including their partners. I can see how sex wouldn't change everything when there is honesty and consideration, respect and foresight. It seems you two did not have any of this before having sex.

Where it does change everything for me is emotionally. Once its done, its done. There is no going back from those emotions. Granted it is different for others though. Hence the reason I pick very well when sex will happen with another.

These two things; everything not being above board and the emotions involved mean that nine times out of ten, sex changes everything. That is my point of view anyway.

It sounds like you learned something there.... not anything new really, not that I want to make light of it, but at 41, I have seen this similar situation played out many times for me and others, from the time I had my first experience until now... the idea is to LEARN from it. You were on the right track and then fell off of it as far as I'm concerned. Now its time to get back on with integrity and in humbleness. Stand up and apologize to this man and her and start doing what it is that will make you confident and honourable again. That doesn't mean that you have to end it with her, just be more mindful of what you want and of what is respectful to them.

I think if I were in your position now you could go a few ways; say good bye and leave her alone would be the first option. Secondly, discuss with her what she means to you and what you mean to her and then ask her to tell her fiance... then I would arrange to talk to him also. Maybe you could both tell him together. Then work towards an open and honest relationship with full disclosure and communication with him added. Thirdly, tell him and then chalk this up to experience. Tell him that you intend to keep your distance and not touch her again.

Good luck:)

ImaginaryIllusion 03-26-2011 11:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 73015)
*sigh*.... ah well, now you've gone and cheated. now what.

Um...where'd that get said anywhere in there? I don't think he mentioned verifying the claim directly with the fiancee...but if he has no reason not to trust the girl about the situation, I don't see how that begets cheating.


Quote:

Originally Posted by TravelGuy25 (Post 72992)

I need advice.

What I'm unclear on here TG is what you need advice on?! What part is the issue that you want advice for...there's a bunch of background, but I don't understand the question.

The only one I can kind of find is that you had a FWB situation that you think is maybe turning into something that contains more emotional investment?
Are you concerned about the fiancee knowing or finding out? Letting go of her when it comes time to leave?

Can you clarify what your consternation is?

ETA: While we're at it, can you include in the background where you, her, and the fiancee are from, maybe down to a national level. I'm a little confused between UK, South America and Bar.

redpepper 03-26-2011 11:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TravelGuy25 (Post 72992)
Eventually she comes out with that her fiancee has actually asked her to go sleep with another man if he cant satisfy her enough. I think she told me this in order to get the conversation going in this direction but I still hold reservations. I keep telling myself "this girl is about to be married, I'm not that guy".
........
That day we talk, via text, and it comes out she desperately wanted me to make a move. So now it's on. I am so infatuated with this girl at this point I just push the issues aside and we begin to talk sexually. We really open up about the idea of having a "friends with benefits" relationship and communication is great. She explains her relationship is very different and she needs this. I don't want a relationship and she needs casual sex. So, the agreement is formed and we have to wait a week before meeting up.

We still talk excessively, every day for hours. The night comes and we cant keep our hands off each other long. It was awkward at first but the sex was fantastic. However, I could tell she was confused. As was I. We didn't go into specifics of "what do we do after sex, during sex?".

Quote:

Originally Posted by TravelGuy25 (Post 72992)
This seems more like a love affair.

I cut out as much as I could that would indicate there was no "talking to the fiance," about this actually situation II. Not that they didn't, I am totally assuming because of the reaction he said she had.

Derbylicious 03-26-2011 11:52 PM

If the advice you're looking for is what to do next I think that making sure the fiancee knows what is happening between you and this girl is a good place to start. If he is on board with her having a FWB relationship then I wish you every happiness if he isn't it's probably best if you back off and let them work out their issues before becomming further entangled.

TravelGuy25 03-27-2011 03:48 AM

I guess I'm just not sure what to do. The man that she is marrying... I have never met, nor do I know anything about really. I'm going back in forth between not caring because I don't actually want a relationship anyways and being a guy who has intentions to fuck up this marriage.

I mean, I consider myself to be a very humble, well-understanding and honest guy. If I was in a relationship and found my partner to have been with another person I would end the relationship right away. But on the other hand I see the benefits of having a poly relationship. Although, she doesn't exactly have this, she has led me to believe this.

I have this fear that if i make an effort to go to her partner that not only will our relationship come crashing down but so will theirs.

So the advice that I am actually seeking would be...

should I keep doing what I am doing, being honest with this girl as I go... or end it before the emotions get the better of us...

I am so confused.

nycindie 03-27-2011 04:42 AM

She seems to have said that her fiance has given her the green light for casual sex. I don't think you need to contact her fiance... why? She keeps saying she wants/needs casual sex, yet it sounds like she feels more than that toward you, wants to get you jealous, etc. But I'm not really understanding what the problem is here.

TruckerPete 03-27-2011 12:30 PM

I'm hearing that a green light for casual sex has been given, but you both seem WAY beyond that.

Hearing you describe her ... you sound like a man in love!

You need a sit down with this girl to talk about what is really going on, and what EXACTLY is the nature of the agreement between her and her fiancé. Only then can you really figure out if you're breaking rules and where to go from there.

redpepper 03-27-2011 05:44 PM

I just wanted to clarify what I said; my suggestion would be to ask HER to talk to him about you as you seem to be in deeper than casual sexy time together... she seems to be wanting a relationship with you if she is trying to get you jealous. If you don't want a relationship and it was just fucking to you, then I think it best to tell her that and move on no? Otherwise sitting down with her, finding out what she wants and then going to him with it all would be my suggestion.... sorry, perhaps I wasn't clear enough before, so I'm hoping a recap will help some how.

Basically there are three options. As I said before; say good bye, say good bye and suggest she talk to her man about how she could get connected to her casual fucks and the last being to work on a relationship that is above ground.:confused: make sense?

MonoVCPHG 03-27-2011 06:12 PM

I'm a little leary of the green light that was given. The context of his statement makes all the difference in the world. I said the exact same thing to my ex wife before we were married but it was not a healthy statement. I said it because I was frustrated in not getting sex one night and tried to manipulate her by saying she could have sex with guys who "actually did turn her on". I would talk to the fiance either on the phone or in person. Maybe I'm not trusting but I have seen and perpetrated plenty of dishonesty over the years. Leave nothing to chance. Get clarification. If she is hesitant then you likely have your answer.


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