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-   -   Can you forgive a cowgirl/homewrecker? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8163)

yul 03-25-2011 01:57 PM

Can you forgive a cowgirl/homewrecker?

I have been involved with what some of you may call a cowgirl or a homewrecker. There was nothing sexual, only emails, a couple nights out for drinks and a few phone calls.

I didn't know she was a cowgirl and she didn't know I didn't want to stray..

My SO was clearly hurt by this even if there wasn't any sexual contact.

I am still communicating on a very occasional basis with Ms Cowgirl and believe she want's to play a straight game.

I am not talking about being sexually involved but would like to give here a second chance at friendship.

I cannot blame her 100% since the situation was very convoluted and not exactly clear on my part.

This was my first attempt at reaching out to a second partner and my SO was caught by surprise and made everybody panic. Can't blame her as well.

My SO is reluctant to have me talk to her again yet she says she will give it a chance....when she is ready.

Can this be done? I mean friends? Thanks.

Penny 03-25-2011 02:18 PM

I don't really understand how she was a cowgirl or homewrecker. I assume she expressed sexual interest in you, but your post really doesn't make it clear what happened that would earn her those labels.

Could you please clarify?

yul 03-25-2011 03:13 PM

The reason being she made advances to me and encouraged me to be unfaithful.

She basically thought I wanted to have an affair which wasn't the case but we hadn't had enough time to discuss this since my SO panicked and ordered me to stop communicating...

I think she understands better now but my SO is still pretty messed up.

Is this something that can be forgiven? I am not talking about being romantic but salvaging friendship?

Penny 03-25-2011 03:25 PM

That depends in part on whether you are comfortable being friends with the sort of person who has such disregard for others that she would encourage someone to cheat.

This does not speak well of her character. Granted, she may have thought you were up for it, but her willingness to take part in such a relationship shows a lack of empathy for your wife.

Just something to consider. Willingness to screw over a stranger or acquaintance is a bad sign, IMO, and does not foster trust.

yul 03-25-2011 03:31 PM

Adultery is everywhere and think she is no better/worse that many of my parents, friends and acquaintances that do or dream of freedom but do not know there is a possibility other than "cheating".

That's why..

Penny 03-25-2011 03:37 PM

Well, then, you have your answer. It's between you, her, and your SO now.

Derbylicious 03-25-2011 03:50 PM

Would your SO be more comfortable doing group type activities with this woman, to build the trust that she isn't going to continue trying to "steal" you? Who knows you may all be able to develop a mutual friendship. At the moment I think planning on meeting alone is just going to make your SO uncomfortable. At the very least if you plan on having a friendship with this woman public events are the way to go.

redpepper 03-25-2011 07:26 PM

Personally I would let her go with a email on how I prefer people to be up front and honest in my life and most of all considerate of people I chose to be friends and lovers with... but...

I might just strike up a conversation about poly/ethical non-monogamy and some of the foundations and lessons I am grateful to of learned along the way. I would give her the benefit of the doubt that while I completely have no respect for cheating and affairs, I am willing to let go and forgive if I understand a person is just simply naive or ill educated as to its effects on others...

If she were to respond positively and with interest in a different way of behaving and finding partners then I would forgive and work on perhaps doing what Derby suggests. Otherwise, if she seems agitating and unwilling to have patience enough to engage me in how I look at things, then I would say good bye and good luck. Just not worth my time really...

Meh, ya, at this point in my life I think I would not bank on any successful friendship coming out of it though and might just chat a bit and see if anything more develops or if it dies out... she really wouldn't be worth up setting my partner about I don't think.

yul 03-25-2011 07:40 PM

Both my SO and my "friend" are being very patient and cooperative.

I think we are on the right track. It will take a long time to iron out though.

Thanks so much!

Derbylicious 03-25-2011 07:56 PM

One more question, do you have the intention to take things with your friend to another level down the line? The advice I gave earlier I gave with the thought that all you wanted from her was friendship. Putting friend in quotation marks in your last post makes me wonder.

Honestly if you intend to be in a realtionship with her down the line when your SO is more comfortable I wouldn't hold my breath. If there has been a breach of trust with this specific person it might not be the best idea to go there again.

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