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-   -   Should the relationship between primary/secondary be shared and non-exclusive? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8120)

yul 03-24-2011 03:01 AM

Should the relationship between primary/secondary be shared and non-exclusive?
 
Hello,

I am wondering if there is a "norm" in the sense that if I have 2 women in my life then do they both have to be good friends?

Also, is there a guideline/balance in the sense that we either spend all the time together (3 of us) or apart?

I am fairly new and am trying to make sense of what would work.

My partner is not fully OK with poly but I am really trying to make it easy for her...

She is OK with me having another girl "friend" yet she wants that communication be shared as well as time spent together.

We do light play and kink occasionally with other people but it's all in the same room and there is no emotional attachment...I guess I am half way there ;-)



Thanks!

LovingRadiance 03-24-2011 04:44 AM

There really isnt a "norm".
I HIGHLY advise hitting the blog section of the forum and reading through a few. There's SO MANY different ways it can go...

redpepper 03-24-2011 07:19 AM

There is no "norm" but metamours that get along and are not only friendly but considerate to one another ... everyone considering each other and giving as much as is comfortable, seems to work better.

Once that is established there is any way it could go from there... its all negotiable with honest communication and creating fluid boundaries as you go... boundary negotiation in my life is a daily occurrence, and more often than that sometimes... at least daily. Sometimes we want to all hang out and sometimes, we don't. We are not new to this though and at the beginning we had to be very honest about not wanting to spend time all together sometimes... it was a learning curve and got easier with time.

I would suggest looking at threads with the tags "triad" "vee" "secondary" and "metamours" ... or whatever you feel you are interested in of course... LR had a good point about the blogs section also.

BlackUnicorn 03-24-2011 02:15 PM

Hello and well met!

Quote:

Originally Posted by yul (Post 72559)
I am wondering if there is a "norm" in the sense that if I have 2 women in my life then do they both have to be good friends?

Not a norm, but often they are. I heard a very good point on this; If there is somebody great enough out there I would be completely comfortable sharing my mate with, what are the chances I would NOT like them too? Compersion can play weird tricks on you too. Of course, some metamours make you just look at your partner and go 'Wow - so they are in love with someone like THAT? What does that tell about them, or me?' :eek:

Quote:

Originally Posted by yul (Post 72559)
Also, is there a guideline/balance in the sense that we either spend all the time together (3 of us) or apart?

Please don't spend all the time together. That might feel most comfortable at first but is actually emotionally hugely stressful to everyone involved. Pursue seperate relationships would be my advice, and then when everyone knows everyone, start spending some quality time the three of you together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by yul (Post 72559)
She is OK with me having another girl "friend" yet she wants that communication be shared as well as time spent together.

Shared equally between she and her? As to 'three nights are yours, and three nights are mine, and on Sundays he can sleep alone?' -kind of arrangement? What do you mean by shared communication?

Tonberry 03-25-2011 01:14 AM

I would suggest spending some time with the three of you together, but also having one-on-one time. Otherwise, I find I prefer metamours knowing each other (whether they're both dating me, or it's me and a partner's partner), but it's possible your relationships will work differently.
However, since one of your partners at least seems to want that, I would definitely give it a try.

yul 03-25-2011 01:47 PM

Thanks a lot! This is helpful!


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