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dgillan 09-20-2009 01:49 PM

mono and poly
hey all

im new to this site, and i need some advice.

i have been with my partner for nearly a year, and before we got together, she told me that due to her past relationships, she didnt want to miss out on any opportunity that present then selves, including one night with a beautiful soul. it started out with her bisexual thoughts and just wanting to explore with a woman. so now i feel ready for the moment she wants, we have just got our own house together and starting our life. we are engaged. about 3 weeks ago she meets this guy who is just backpacking through our town and she told me she has a big crush on him. he is also a dear friend of mine as well and we hang out all the time. she asked me if she could kiss him and i said of course. so being a woman, she has tried very hard to make it romantic. we all went to the beach one night with his friends that he is travelling with and my partner and him dissapeared for a nice kiss. at that moment i felt i wasnt ready. i have a past that involves people i love leaving me, including my father due to cheating on my mother that i never really got over, and my ex-fiance who i cought kissing my best friend. i know it is my problem i feel like this but it is very hard for me. that night they kissed, my partner didnt enjoy it because i was on the beach and she was thinking about me. she told me the next day that she wanted to explore sexually with him. my stomach went really cold and i felt really upset. i was thinking that im not good enough for her that she has this need to sleep with this guy. i did ask her to wait till i was ready at the very beginning, but you cant help meeting these people in your life. she went out one night with him and was laying on the beach and we are very honest with eachother and tell eachother everything. he asked her to stay on the beach that night, but she told him she promised to come to me that night. she came home to me to see that i was a mess. i felt so hurt and was crying all night. i'd never felt this much pain before, and the shit thing is when im with someone for a long time, i can start to understand what there thinking and doing. she dosent like that by the way. i told her that i am not ready but at the same time i tell her to do it and get it over with. so then there comes a third time to have this moment. that is what really upset me. she talks about living in the moment which i understand, but she keeps wanting to see him. that night he told her no because of me. he dosent want to hurt me, even though she tells him that im ok, he still dosent understand. she was really upset and realised that she missed out on an opportunity because of some else. thats the whole reason why she wanted to live this way in the first place. when she rang me and told me, thats when i knew she was falling in love with him. and she told me that i was right. so the first time we go through something like this, its happend to be the worst way for me. i know if i want to live this way ( not poly just in the moment ) i need to be thrown in the deep end, and thats what happend. so now it is hard for me to see them together knowing how she feels about him. because she is honest, she did tell him how she felt and he told her that he dosent feel that way, but we both know that he only said that to look after me and to look aftre him. so know we're starting to understand that she might be poly, but i cant live like that. i said that she needs to have some space to think if this is want she wants do, but i know i cant do this now. im not ready yet and i havnt healed yet, and i dont think the best way for me to heal is put me in the same situation.

i dont know what to do. i dont want her to go but i cant live like this right now. she told me she dosent want leave me but she also cant miss another oppotunity again. we thought he was leaving soon so i started to feel ok about the whole and knowing that nothing's going to happen know. i just found out that he has decided to stay and now im really worried that she might want to start seeing him. if this is not for me, do i stand up and say no or i cant do this now, or should we find other people who understand us. we love eachother so much and i know she will never leave me, but when she found out that she was in love with him, she spent alot of time trying to make a choice.

please help

Winterfire 09-20-2009 06:15 PM

It sounds like letting her go is the only thing you can do if what you each want is completely incompatible. You can't force yourself to be ok with her constantly wanting the opportunity to have sex with any person she meets that might catch her fancy. She's refused to give you the time you requested, and she lied to the other guy about you being ok when she knew the truth was that you were devastated. A major part of successfully being poly is keeping the lines of communication open and being honest. She shouldn't have lied to your friend. It was doing a profound disservice to both you and him. You're feeling weird about him now and that's going to impact your friendship with him, and he should understand what's really going on.

Quath 09-20-2009 08:58 PM

I don't think you have to be thrown in the deep end. For some people, wading in the shallows first is the best approach. See if she willl take it slower and give you time to adjust. Let her know you are feeling insecure and just need to adjust to new feelings. Hopefully, she can respect that and let things proceed at a slower rate.

Kraven 09-21-2009 12:19 AM

My two cents
I hate to ever see love fail and I wanna tell you to make it work but that would be biased advise! Honestly....polyamory isn't for everyone, that much is clear! What it takes to be that way? I don't know....people in the community are either this way by choice or by nature! For me, I'm this way by nature so I can't tell you how to make it work for you but what I can do is tell you that it takes TRUST and HONESTY from both of you! You say you have it but if you really had it, her being with him or even loving him wouldn't bother you (and maybe she doesn't have it either....I mean she did lie, SHAME ON HER)! The key component you're missing needed to make polyamory work....SELF-ESTEEM! That's what makes you able to deal with it when she's out with another person! Self-esteem helps you KNOW that (if) she leaves you for someone else, its got nothing to do with you! So when she's out and you're home, self-esteem ensures you that she'll come back home and still love you more than anything and if not, oh well its her lost!

It seems you're suffering from two problems here....jealousy and your past! Jealousy stems mostly from a lack of self-esteem and your past.....well you just gotta let that go! Don't let your past block your future, keep it moving forward! In closing, ask yourself this....what do you want more? Monogamy or HER? If you want her more then don't try to deal with this situation by acting on your emotions and leaving her! Seek out professional advise, communicate MORE with her and maybe pick up a book or two....I suggest "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (it helped me, maybe it will help you)

I wish you the best and remember....give it time, don't act on your emotions (accept them but don't act on them, at least not in this situation) cause I'd hate to see you miss out on a wonderful thing!

dgillan 09-21-2009 01:13 AM

i have to confirm that my partner never leid to anyone. she has been very honest with me and him. i did tell her that i dont think im ready but at the same time i did say it was ok.

i did have a disscusion with him and let him know that i will learn from this and that it is ok. but when it was happening, that is when i realised i wasnt ready.

the only thing that im not ok with is that she did fall in love with him and thats the only thing that upset me. i understand like i said about living in the moment, but there wasnt one moment

the love we have for eachother is so strong and we're in love with the idea of us. the dreams we have, the visions of our chrildren and the life we choose to live. but getting there is going to be hard and the advise i was looking for is that should we do this now or wait

MonoVCPHG 09-21-2009 04:44 AM


Originally Posted by dgillan (Post 7287)
if this is not for me, do i stand up and say no or i cant do this now, or should we find other people who understand us.

Stand up for what you want, try to keep the best part of your friendship and find people who are like you so you can be fulfilled and loved the way you want to be. That's my advice.

Take care

MonoVCPHG 09-21-2009 04:53 AM


Originally Posted by Kraven (Post 7315)
"The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (it helped me, maybe it will help you)


Sorry Kraven, but I strongly advise against this book. If someone is wired mono this book tends to read like a training manual for someone who wants to be promiscuous, ethical or not, it reads "slut". I'm not the only mono person who found this book very disturbing.

Dr. Deborah Taj Anapol has a very good book called "Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits". I found this one much better in explaining poly.

aussielover 09-21-2009 06:16 AM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 7323)
If someone is wired mono this book tends to read like a training manual for someone who wants to be promiscuous, ethical or not, it reads "slut". I'm not the only mono person who found this book very disturbing.

I bought it, and I'm stuck about halfway through. I'm having problems forcing myself to read any more of it. Perhaps it's because of our situation in that we didn't know we were poly. We just fell in love and it felt right. We're not looking how to pick people up or anything like that. Just seems so far about 90% of the book doesn't really apply to me/us.

My advice is don't push yourself into something you're not comfortable with. You may never be, or you may just need some time, but don't force it. It may be normal to be a little upset if you think you're ready and it hits you a little harder than you thought it would, but if you're really THAT upset about it, maybe you need to think a little harder about what's best for you and if you will be able to live happily with her being poly for the long term.
Best of luck

dgillan 09-21-2009 08:59 AM

thanks for everything guys. we nearly broke up because we both want to be happy and live the life we want, but our love is to strong to leave. we decided to take each day as it comes. my partner only just found out that she could feel this way, so i'll guess we'll try harder to understand eachother.

see the way i feel, is that i've been searching my whole life for my partner and now i have finally found her. i dont have a need to find something in someone else, because she is perfect and i love her so much. she has everything i've ever wanted in a wife. so if this works and we let eachother love eachother the way we want, its going to go one way with the poly, so if i think im strong enough for this, then i'll do it

NeonKaos 09-21-2009 12:20 PM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 7323)
Sorry Kraven, but I strongly advise against this book. If someone is wired mono this book tends to read like a training manual for someone who wants to be promiscuous, ethical or not, it reads "slut". I'm not the only mono person who found this book very disturbing.

I had no interest in reading this before, but the more I see you talk against it, the more curious I am to find out what the big deal is. I think I'll see if the library has it so I don't waste my money.

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