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-   -   Struggling with jealousy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8034)

dag 03-21-2011 02:56 PM

Struggling with jealousy
Hey all,

Where to start. I've never been very good at love and romance, but what experiences I have had and those of friends lead me to decide to become polyamorous.

I had one rather disastrous open relationship about a year ago and then was single for almost a year before meeting my current girlfriend in February. Once we started to get serious together I explained how I was poly and why. At first she was unhappy about it and almost broke up with me, but then she took to it with an enthusiasm far beyond what I was expecting. So, great! I was really happy for her, and have been nothing but supportive.

The trouble is, I'm having horrible luck myself at meeting someone else while she's swimming in a sea of sexual abundance. The first week after we were officially poly she hooked up with three guys and a couple. That trend has pretty much continued in the month and a half since then, with her having four or five dates a week and sleeping with roughly four guys a week. Currently she's seeing roughly eight other guys and has just moved in with one of them, despite assuring me that I'm her favorite and still identifying me as her boyfriend. In that same time I have gone on two dates, and slept with one woman, who seems not to want to see me again.

I don't feel like we should have to maintain parity or anything but I feel like she's got all these sexual outlets whereas I've only got her and because of it I don't get to see her hardly enough. In fact I probably spend more time listening to her tell me by chat about all the other guys she's seeing than I do actually seeing her.

It's been especially hard since last week - she was staying with me for a week while she looked for another place, which was wonderful. I got used to her being around and felt horribly empty when she left. Now she's moved in with this other guy that she's had feelings for for a while and they finally had sex last night, which she says was "worth the wait".

I've sworn to myself to be supportive and let her do what she wants but the last week or so I've been torn up inside with feelings of jealousy I can't get to go away. It's stressing me out and affecting my health. I'm worried she's going to end up being in a primary relationship with the guy she's living with and that I'm not going to get to see her hardly at all. My confidence has gone way down which has made it even harder to find anybody else to be with.

What should I do?

dag 03-21-2011 03:34 PM

I just want to add that she's been really caring and supportive towards me in a lot of ways, even going so far as to try and set me up with dates.

Writing the above post I realized how much of this I haven't discussed with her yet. Most of the negative feelings came up since she moved out a week ago, and I haven't seen her since, and though we chat online quite a bit every day I don't want to talk about this on chat. Especially when she's in the room with one of the other guys in question.

We're getting together tonight and I want to talk about it with her. But I'm also worried that if I tell her about these feelings that I'll seem needy and pathetic which has ruined some of my past relationships. Neediness and jealousy after all tend to be huge turnoffs especially for women.

Penny 03-21-2011 04:25 PM


Originally Posted by dag (Post 72088)
I had one rather disastrous open relationship about a year ago and then was single for almost a year before meeting my current girlfriend in February. Once we started to get serious together I explained how I was poly and why.

Just for clarification, you met her last month? Or do you mean February of the previous year?

My husband has had a similar problem with poly, in that he finds it hard to find partners (as in virtually impossible) while I am happily involved with my boyfriend. I could easily find additional partners, though am uninterested in casual connections.

The disparity is a source of frustration for him. There's not much to be done about it other than I try to be there for him and occasionally play wingman.

Derbylicious 03-21-2011 04:29 PM

So she's seeing 9 guys and you're wondering why you might be feeling a little jealous and left out?!?!? Unless she has no other life outside dating (friends, work ect) and is a master of time management chances are that there isn't a whole lot of time for you in the mix. Can you be specific with her as to what your needs are? How often do you need to see her to feel connected to her?

dag 03-21-2011 04:35 PM

February this year. We haven't been together that long. She was living with me out of necessity - she had to move out of her place suddenly. Both of us thought it was too soon to move in together and worried that it would hurt our relationship. We did well while she was here but like I said it made me used to her being around and left me feeling really lonely afterwards.

I've heard that said before, and it certainly does seem a lot harder for guys to find partners. Which always seems odd to me logically since there should be some sort of balance if all the women find so many men partners. But yeah it's very frustrating.

dag 03-21-2011 04:38 PM

Yeah, it's pretty much what she does with her time, gets on OKCupid and hunts for guys. In a way it's been good because it's inspired me to be more active in searching myself. Not like that's paid off very well except for that one-night stand, which is nothing to sneeze at I suppose.

I dunno how often I need to see her. I was really enjoying seeing her every night when she was here but obviously that's not going to work. And I don't want to be too demanding of her time.

Penny 03-21-2011 04:44 PM

She sounds like she's sowing her wild oats right now, and, if I were you, I wouldn't expect much from her until she settles down.

You might consider not looking to her for the degree of emotional intimacy and support that one would generally attribute to a "primary" relationship.

Though certainly discuss this with her. I could be wrong.

dag 03-21-2011 04:51 PM

You're probably right, Penny. I guess I'm really trying to find someone else to be more stable with but I'm so bad at meeting women that it's not going well.

Ironically the whole situation feels much more stressful and difficult than just being single, even though I recognize that it's preferable to being single by far.

Derbylicious 03-21-2011 04:55 PM

give it time, it's just been since February. Do things you enjoy. Meet people naturally. If you're pushing yourself to meet another woman and you feel like there's some kind of time crunch to do it in you're probably going to come off as desperate...and desperate isn't sexy!

Vinccenzo 03-21-2011 05:09 PM

You met her very recently and she was quick to move in - do you even know if she moved in with you out of want or simply because she needed to go *somewhere*? I'm sorry; I don't know the girl in question but here it is not even April yet and you've been with her not even two months. She is now moving in with a 3rd fella in this short span of time. What a great way to never have to pay rent! I give you X amount of sex and affection and you give me a place to live. We have a term for this don't we?

It would be very difficult to feel an emotional connection with someone that busy. Your jealousy might just stem from that and not because of some real struggle you have in connecting with people.

Just like in the monogamy circle, you're going to find people with a lack of rational thought and integrity. Do you even know this girl well enough to say anything about her character for sure? Poly doesn't mean anyone willing will be a good partner to have.

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