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-   -   Poly Curious? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=802)

moose 09-18-2009 11:23 AM

Poly Curious?
 
Hi all, i'm brand new to the forums, so far it seems like a great place you all have created with fantastic info. Anyway, a little back ground on me. my wife and i have been together for 8years and married for 5year. anyway for the longest time i've had coriousity and wanting more not just physical relationships but emotional as well. Now don't get me wrong, i love my wife to dealth! and we actually just had our 1st born 3 weeks ago, but i want/need more out of life. then about a week ago i saw a show on polyamory lifestyles and click it was like they were talking about exactly what i was thinking. we do have one particular friend i would love to bring into our relationship as we are already very emotionally attatched to her, but i don't know how to approach my wife. In the past she has expressed some bi-coriousness but never gone through with anything. she pretty traditional. I'm just not sure how to start the conversation with her, and then how would i put a feeler out to our friend?? thank you all so much for any advice you can send my way in advance!

Quath 09-18-2009 01:59 PM

I would say to get everthing settled with your wife first. Make sure your wife is good with the concept. Then you should talk about who to approach.

For example, your wife may worry about ruining a friendship. Or she may be ok with being in a V relationship with you dating the friend.

As for bringing it up to your wife, you could do something from playing "what if" or you could email her the wikipedia article on polyamory and ask what she thinks about it. Ultiimately, you will need to be able to answer questions on jealousy and boundaries to her.

Good luck.

moose 09-18-2009 03:16 PM

well my thoughts were to be in a relationship with all 3 of us were my wife and i would date someone but not live together so it would still give us plenty of time together.

NIMchimpsky 09-18-2009 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by moose (Post 7206)
well my thoughts were to be in a relationship with all 3 of us were my wife and i would date someone but not live together so it would still give us plenty of time together.

You should mention this to her when you explain it to her.

I agree with other posters that it's good to start with explaining polyamory as a general and then going from there.

nim

River 09-18-2009 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by moose (Post 7206)
well my thoughts were to be in a relationship with all 3 of us were my wife and i would date someone but not live together so it would still give us plenty of time together.

The First Rule of All Loving Relationships:

Empathize, empathize, empathize....

....

Consider that she may not want to have an arrangement where she's a "secondary".

Some folks like that, and want that, but others are seriously put off by the whole notion.

There's nothing wrong with being a "secondary," but being offered the position can come off as the ultimate insult.

It can sound like, "Won't you be our toy when we want and need you and won't you please go away, quietly and quickly, when we don't?"

Empathize, empathize, empathize!

Ceoli 09-18-2009 10:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JRiverMartin (Post 7228)
There's nothing wrong with being a "secondary," but being offered the position can come off as the ultimate insult.

It can sound like, "Won't you be our toy when we want and need you and won't you please go away, quietly and quickly, when we don't?"

Empathize, empathize, empathize!

THIS!

One thing that I've noticed is that many couples who are new to poly start out by seeking a third to be their girlfriend. Usually, they want that third to be available to only them and they expect the third to have a romantic sexual relationship with both members of the couple. Oftentimes, that third is there in order to enhance the primary relationship and is often treated as such. Also, the third is expected to follow the script of the primary relationship and rarely has an equal say in how the relationship works or moves forward.


I've known many many bi women who have been burned by such couples, so be sure to have some awareness, that's all.

And it's always worth posting my friend's HBB Flowchart :D

http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/hot...hart-large.gif

sea 09-20-2009 03:51 AM

This is absolutely the wrong time period! The most trying time for a woman is right after child birth. You are talking about someone with homones going insane, over tired, and most are feeling unhappy and insecure it their post pregnancy body! Now add in the conversation of what your thinking and the most likely thing to come to mind is probably "I am not good enough anymore"

That being said....Quath is right about mentioning the show or an article and saying you found it intriguing and ask her opinion. The key is conversation, honest staight forward talk...and lots of it. Most people I have met in any kind of alternate lifestyle started out with " what if?" or a fantasy type conversation. You will both need to ask and answer questions on boundaries and jealousy etc. Then you talk about how and who to approach and go on from there.

Who knows, your wife may surprise you and be thinking the same way!

I wish you luck....and congrats on the new baby!

moose 09-21-2009 11:48 AM

Alright, after thinking it over alot this weekend i decided to jsut go for it and talk about it. I will admit i would very nervous as my wife is semi conservitive and plus the horimonal fact that sea brought up. Anywho, i figured in any great strong relationship you should be able to talk about anything at anytime (what doesn't hurt you will make you stronger). So at first it was very ackward, as we never talk about things of this nature or even things of a sexual nature. I was trying to explain the whole concept to her and she just didn't understand it, so i took some of your advice and pulled up the wikipedia article and it was alot clearer than. She is not sold on it yet, but i must say, we haven't talked this openly in a LONG TIME. probably talked about this for 3-4 hrs, it was actually pretty amazing. I think her whole pit fall it society standards and and how society views a married couple should live or act which me personally i think is total BS. Anyhow, i think if we creap very slowly into this i think it may be possible. Do any of you have anymore wikipedia type acticles i can show her??
thanks again for all your input

Quath 09-21-2009 01:42 PM

You could try other poly sites like http://www.lovemore.com/ or see if a book is more to your appeal: http://sexuality.about.com/od/altern...amorybooks.htm

If you listen to podcasts, you can check out Polyamory Weekly.

MonoVCPHG 09-21-2009 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by moose (Post 7198)
Now don't get me wrong, i love my wife to dealth! and we actually just had our 1st born 3 weeks ago, but i want/need more out of life.

I'm not sure if this is your first child or not but there is a serious concern here. The introduction of a baby will tend to strain even the best of relationships due to less time for each other and certainly a lot less physical intimacy.

I would strongly recommend putting your own needs on hold for a while in this area. Seriously, suck it up and let your family settle in. Now is not the time to start asking to explore your wife's bi curiosity. She will almost definitely not have the energy, time, or sexual desire to want to pursue this. More than likely this will be viewed as you looking for a way to satisfy yourself physically and will put a severe damper on what might be better received in the future when your family is secured. I highly doubt she will see any benefit in this for her.

Family first in this case, self second. You’re a husband and a new father and you should be supporting your wife and child before anything at this point.

If I seem a little harsh in my response it's because broaching the topic of poly is a tender thing in any case, but in this case it just seems insensitive and self serving.

Take care


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