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-   -   Born to poly or evolved? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=795)

sweetie 09-17-2009 05:33 AM

Born to poly or evolved?
My partners (Sea and tommyc) had a discussion this weekend. Are you born poly or do you evolve to it? Whether born or evolved you still make the choice to live the way you do.

I have to admit the discussion came about because I was feeling guilty. Tommyc was born poly. Sea evolved to poly, and I'm mono. Tommyc has loved women in all shapes and sizes since he was 6 years old. I've seen him look at women with interest and not had a clue as why he would be interested. Because Sea has shared her home, children, and thank the gods her husband, with me, she is poly by definition. I'm just plain mono.

I love tommyc deeply, and if I want to be a part of his life, and I do, then poly it is. I love Sea. She is my best friend. She is loving and generous, she gives the whole of herself, even when it's hard for her. She shares all my thoughts and secrets. We love, laugh, argue and sit in comfortable silence.

Here is where the guilt comes in. I've always known that my partners are poly. If Sea were to find another partner, I would have absolutely no problem with it, as long as he makes her happy. It would just be a second V. If tommyc were to bring another woman into our relationship I would lose my frigging mind. I can share tommyc with Sea, I can't share him with someone else. As far as I'm concerned it's not a closed door, it's a brick wall.

I've talked to tommyc about it. Because I feel guilty. He has said he has no interest in anyone but Sea and myself. He is perfectly happy with the two of us. But by bricking up the wall am I taking something away from him? Poly is supposed to be about being open to new relationships, and I was open to this relationship, but not open to sharing him with another, other then Sea.

A footnote here: Sea and I have laughed our asses off because we know damn well that there is no way in hell we could ever except another woman. Whatever differences we may have at the time, we would band together to run her out. Our poor tommyc doesn't stand a chance. I knew he was poly, I just didn't realize I was mono in a poly relationship.

So I guess what I'm asking is if tommyc is okay with what we share, and Sea is okay with what we share, and I'm okay with what we share, why am I feeling guilty?

MonoVCPHG 09-17-2009 05:38 AM

For what it is worth..I am in the same type of dynamic. You're not alone, not selfish, not asking too much. What you are doing is establishing what you need to be happy. You eventually have to trust that your man is being honest in his contentment. I struggle with this too my friend...you are in essence a female version of me in some ways :)

Welcome to my happy world :D

sweetie 09-17-2009 05:48 AM

Thanks mono. I have read many posts between you and RP, and I know you share a deep love. Not only with her, but her husband and son as well. I share the same with Sea and tommyc, and our children. I do trust that he is telling the truth. I just don't want him to ever feel like he's doing something against his nature because he will hurt me. I believe if the time comes that he feels differently, he will tell me, and give me a choice.

MonoVCPHG 09-17-2009 05:58 AM

Well look at that..you're even more like me than I thought:)
I would walk away rather than have Redpepper deny herself something...the thought of her resenting the way I love later in life kills me and I won't let my desire for her ruin our connection. Having her in my life in a healthy way for both of us is more important than having her in all ways....I love her in a way that transcends my need to hold her...I simply love that she is in the world and happy....that is something I have never felt before and gives me strenght to move forward. Just keep talking to your Loves.

MonoVCPHG 09-17-2009 06:07 AM

For the record Sweetie...this is the biggest struggle I have. In fact it is part of my only fear in the life Redpepper, her husband and me are building. You truly are not alone.

sweetie 09-17-2009 06:24 AM

I have walked away mono. Two weeks ago to be exact. We were so unhappy, hurting each other. I thought I was doing what was best for all three of us. I knew that tommyc couldn't end it, and Sea wouldn't. So I did. It took walking away, with all the tears, to realize what we had was worth fighting for. I've loved them both for so long, I'd rather spend my life without them, then hurt either of them.

Love evolves in a way that no one could possibly imagine. When we think we have the other person figured out, an emotion gets thrown in there that leaves you wondering if you have anything figured out.

If you had asked me 3 years ago if this is where I thought my life would end up, I would have laughed at you and walked away. Now this is my life. It's a struggle, and sometimes love isn't enough. But love gets us through today, so we can see what tomorrow brings. That's all anyone can ask for.

MonoVCPHG 09-17-2009 06:32 AM

Make no doubt..what we have is good, natural and making all of us happy...it took a long time and plenty of tears to get here. Worth every drop :)

And yes, I often get caught up in thinking I know what someone else wants. Now I just trust in them to be honest and true to themselves. We are a steam roller moving with a love that seams unstoppable. Every challenge unifies us as a family and certainly brings me and Redpepper closer...lucky lucky me!!

sweetie 09-17-2009 06:41 AM

Lucky lucky both of us. To have people in our lives that love us so much, and allow us to love them.

I know that tommyc will tell me if and when things change for him. He will give me a choice. That's what love is all about. I keep thinking that it's possible that even though he is definitely poly, maybe what the three of us share is what his heart is looking for. I know he's what my heart is looking for.

MonoVCPHG 09-17-2009 06:43 AM

Yes we both are...we've got to stop chatting about this before I start weeping :o Feel free to share anything you want though. I know where you are coming from :)

sweetie 09-17-2009 06:46 AM

I'm with you. How's the weather in your part of Canada? How's that for changing the subject in midstream?

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