Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Married and Poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7911)

RitaFire 03-17-2011 10:49 PM

Married and Poly?
I am curious as to how many of you are married and practicing poly.

TruckerPete 03-18-2011 12:16 AM


Originally Posted by RitaFire (Post 71542)
I am curious as to how many of you are married and practicing poly.

Yup, though only recently (end of November).

NeonKaos 03-18-2011 01:48 AM

Ya, I'm married and I'm "practicing" poly to get ready for the real thing.

LovingRadiance 03-18-2011 03:17 AM

I'm married with a boyfriend.

Magdlyn 03-18-2011 01:55 PM

I'm technically married, but separated and divorcing. I practice polyamory with my girlfriend and one other long term sweetie (both relationships of 2 yrs duration and counting). And a string of apparently unsuitable males...

RitaFire 03-18-2011 02:31 PM

I was curious because many (not all, but many) of the poly people I have encountered so far are either divorced, getting divorced or are separated, or have never been married.

I am wondering how many people are in the same situation as my husband and I. They got married many years ago (at least 10 lets say), with the intention of being monogamous. Then decided to explore poly. I wonder if that causes more emotional distress to one or both partners in the marriage, if the original intention of the marriage was to remain monogamous. Not that things cannot change over the years, we all grow and change.

How many of you married and poly people got married with the original intention of remaining monogamous? And how have you dealt with poly?

SourGirl 03-18-2011 03:06 PM

My husband and I, have been together for 10 years. We started out with the intention of being non-monogamous. I had been married before, and had swore to myself, I`d not be 'owned' again. My ex really disliked that I was bisexual.
Of course, I had no idea how deeply I would love my husband, or what a trip it would be , when I fell in a puppy-love with my girlfriend I had 9 yrs ago. I still didnt relate any of that to a word called ' polyamory'.
We referred to ourselves as 'closed, exclusive swingers'...we would toy shyly with our feelings, and make remarks, but there was no big, proclamations.

I learned so much from that, though. We didn`t realize we were 'odd'. That we hung out with our 'friends' for all types of vanilla get togethers, had sleep overs, our kids all played and we celebrated birthdays, and holidays. It just seemed natural.

We have had periods where we chose to be monogamous, and periods where we choose to be in a open relationship.

I think nearly anyone we have dated, (minus current quad-like tendencies)have been people who started out in monogamous relationships/marriages, that opened up between years 8-12.

Thats just my findings though. :)

It wasn`t until we started looking for 'polyamory' versus 'open marriage' as a search, that we found the opposite to be a majority,...childless couples, or people starting out non-monogamous.

Geography plays a big, big part.

I`ve lived in two parts of my country, and the differences are vast. There is also a difference in mentality, with small town, versus big city.

Again,..just my experience. :) The longer you are into it, the more ebb and flow of various types, you will encounter.

Ariakas 03-18-2011 10:25 PM

I have been with Pengrah 10ish years and have been open from the start. We were open because it was a long distance relationship to start... we never bothered to close. And turned into unicorn hunters, relatively successful ones too.

Most of the people I have encountered have been the 7 year itch open relationships. There are exceptions, including the relationship with Sourgirl I am in now.

I am not sure what it would be like to go from pure monogamy to being non-monogamous. The amount of expectation in monogamy is

So I guess our version of being married and finding poly fits a little different than what you are asking about. I haven't been purely monogamous since I was 21. The sense of being owned sucked the wind out of life for me. :)

redpepper 03-18-2011 11:22 PM

I have been married to PN for ten years this summer. He was part of the first Vee I was in and we have been non-monogamous ever since. We have run the gammot of experiences throughout the years and intend to experience more... isn't that what life is all about? ;)

I have to say though, this forum is very marriage and mono poly heavy... I don't experience that so much in real life. In real life people aren't all that interested in forums on this stuff because they are living their lives or don't like the soap opera that this forum can be like. This forum tends to attract those that are starting out, have started out recently or who just really like peoples drama... like me :D The results of such a poll might be interesting for here, but I don't think in any way they represent the community as a whole. Cool question though :)

LovingRadiance 03-18-2011 11:40 PM


Originally Posted by RitaFire (Post 71663)
How many of you married and poly people got married with the original intention of remaining monogamous? And how have you dealt with poly?

We did.
We married with intention of being monogamous 12 years ago.
I fucked that up.

In regards to poly-it's been a struggle, but the MAJORITY of our issues are communication issues. They've been sorely exacerbated by the poly.


The BIGGEST thing that caused issues in our relationship was my affair.
I honestly believe that had we discussed polyamory and worked up to it without such a messed up "trust and deal breaker" move by me... things woudl have gone much, much differently.

All times are GMT. The time now is 04:55 PM.