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-   -   I love them both.... new and need help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=791)

Ilove2men 09-17-2009 12:02 AM

I love them both.... new and need help
Hi all, please excuse me ahead of time if this post becomes long winded. Much thanks for any and all advice.

My situation is complicated. I have been with my fiance for over 6 years now, and we have a 4 year old daughter. We have had a rocky relationship which stemmed from his battle with addiction. He has been sober for 2 years now, but it has left me scarred. I love him dearly and he is a wonderful partner and father. I have mentioned from time to time my interest in having more than one partner and that convo has never gone more than a couple of sentences. He seems to shrivel up when the words leave my mouth. So I gave that up a long time ago and have tried my best to fit into monogamy.

Here is where things get really complicated. When I was 13 I met this boy at a church event. He lived out of state and I only saw him once. I asked his sister for his number and she gave me his address. I mailed him a letter and after he received it we talked on the phone daily. We became best friends and I loved him dearly. The I moved to the opposite side of the country. 3 years later after talking daily for hours, he emails me and confesses that he is in love with me. After the rough childhood I had, he was the only person in the world I had and though I was in love with him as well, I was too scared of loosing him to go any further than friendship. I lied and told him I did not love him in that way. He was family to me. He said that he would always be my friend and that I would never loose him.... I spoke with him once after that. Several dramatic things transpired in both of our lives and we lost all possible contact. For years I have tried to seek him out. On the web, white pages, ect with no luck. I have never stopped loving him, but I only sought his friendship. Last year I made contact with him. He was married and had a daughter with the same name as mine. He told me that he vaguely remembered me. When he spoke those words it crushed me. I held him to such a high esteem and he didn't even know who I was. He told me to email pics of my daughter so we could swap pictures. I never did. Fast forward to a year later. He finds me on face book. We messaged on there for a while and then I had to make my confession about his email almost 10 years ago. One thing has lead to another and it has all happened so fast. He left his wife, she stole his daughter and he is in the process of getting a divorce and fighting for custody. I pleaded with him not to divorce her for me and he promised he wasn't. That he hasn't been happy with her for years (apparently she has some psychological issues) and it was time. A few weekends ago. We met up. Initially I was going to stay the night. My time with him was amazing. It was pure bliss to see him for just the second time in my life and then when it was time to go back to his place I froze. I couldn't go through with it. It felt dirty. I do not want him as an affair or a lover. I love him and I did not want to tarnish that love. And another side of me... I could not betray my fiance. I told my friend that I couldn't and that I had to go. After that I went into a spiral of who, whats, and whys. What is wrong with me. I have a great fiance, what is wrong with me my friend is the love of my life, who do I love more, why can i not choose between the two.

I have been a mess. My fiance and i have been sleeping separately since before I went to meet my friend. I feel like if I do anything with either of them i am betraying the other. I have finally come to the conclusion. I love them both for different reasons. They bring 2 different aspects of life to me. I cannot imagine life without either of them. I will never be able to choose between them because.... I need them both.

I confessed to my best friend today. He says I am wrong that He knows how much I love him... We talk some more and he says if I love my fiance half as much as I love him then to choose him. For me and my daughter he will step aside and make the choice for me.... We talk more and he asks me to tell him what it is that I want. I told him I dare not even ask and he asked again. I told him... I want you both I love you both. He asked how that would work. Tell him exactly what I want if I could have it. I said, I want you two to know each other. I don't want any secrets or betrayal because my love for both is too pure to ever be tarnished in that way. I said I would live here, he can still live there and I would come to him every other weekend and talk as much as possible. He said he was too greedy to share me and that he could not. We are meeting Saturday morning one last time. Right before we hung up... he tells me He wishes he had it in him to try poly. The sound in his voice... I know he might be considering it.

My question is, if after alot of thought my friend decides that he might be able to try this... How do I bring this up to my fiance. He is desperate to get back in our bed. Desperate to have me back. I do not want to use his desperation against him and get him to agree to something that he cannot handle. I don't want to force either one of them. But I know that... if I cannot have both I must leave both because my heart will break for the one I don't choose and how can I seek comfort in one for the hurt I feel of loosing the other. I feel like it would be fairer for both of them to release them both to find a girl who only has enough room in her heart for one man. Any and all advice and or observations is much needed. Speak truthfully please. Am I delusional? Am I being totally selfish here? Or is this a possibility?

pokey 09-17-2009 01:36 AM

go for it
I am in a V. I have been married for 10 years and have been with my partner for 7 years. What an amazing journey it has been. I believe that you can love more than one person. For us we all have a mutual respect and love for each other. The two men are not sexual with each other they are just best friends. We all bring different things to the table and it just works. We have had our share of bumps in the road and Im sure we have more ahead. But what relationship doesn't? My advice to you would be that all 3 of you need to be into the situation or it won't work. All three of you needs to always think of the other person. Also, jealousy can't be in the equation or you will drive each other crazy. This situation is definitely not for everyone , but with the right three people it can be so fulfilling for sure. I will be happy to share more of my experiences with you.

Ilove2men 09-17-2009 01:54 AM

I would love to hear your experiences (anything and everything you think I should know). How did you bring it up initially? I worry my fiance will think this is a sexual desire and not that I love both.

Karelia 09-17-2009 01:37 PM

I think that you are right to consider you may have to move on from both of them. If you cannot choose, and they are not happy with a poly relationship, then it will be miserable for everyone involved to stay.

I know you can love two people. I never thought so before... but like you said, I get very different needs met from my partners.

I wish you luck... I don't have much advice. I do think you're right to be concerned about your fiance wanting to do it to make you happy when it's not something he's really comfortable with.

I'd do some online research and show it to your fiance and your best friend. That might be the easiest way for them to understand.

Ilove2men 09-17-2009 02:34 PM

A little update... I talked to my friend for hours last night. His emotions and thoughts are all over the place. First, he begged me not to tell my fiance and to choose the life I have with my fiance. He worries for me and does not want me to ache anymore than I already do. He spoke to his roomates about the situation. He said that they said I was insane and to run in the other direction. When I made no response, he said they have little affect on what he thinks and feels. He just need to speak the words. As the conversation continued he started asking more and more questions about poly and what the dynamics of our relationships would be and if he would be allowed to have another girlfriend. He was genuinely considering... yet at the same time he says he cannot. I answered his questions as best I could, but with me really not know how to even bridge the gap between the two or how to even bring up the subject to my fiance I am kinda grasping at air right now. Any suggestions on websites for research or even books on poly?

MonoVCPHG 09-17-2009 02:47 PM


This is not a new answer to this question but my thoughts on this are unchanged.

First figure out exactly what you are looking for and work on vocalizing it. I suggest writing your thoughts on paper so you can read them and see if it makes sense. Be specific if this is a want or a need. If you don't get a want you probably won't die or end up doing something that will jeopardize your relationship. If you deny a need however, you may end up unhealthy and not fulfilled in life which is a form of death in my opinion.

New addition to my old comment

***Identify what you feel you will get out of having both of them in your life.

***Look for positives that your fiance will get out of it other than seeing you get what you want and being happy. This is the hardest point in my humble opinion.

Clarity, clarity, clarity. Don't leave your partner guessing or confused. Be 100 percent honest and don't try to put a good spin on things for the sake of your partner. Get it out very precisely so you can begin the work and move away from defining what you are trying to say.

Hopefully this helps a little
Take care

Ilove2men 09-17-2009 04:09 PM

I hope you don't mind. I think I will think out loud here. Feel free to comment.

My fiance... is family. He is my life time companion. We are totally opposite yet fit perfectly together. By day I am his protector. I am the head of our household. I am strong and gaurded. I have him to thank for this role, because it is his addiction that gave me no choice but to find this strong woman that was hidden from me. I am truly thankful to have grown from him. By night, he is my protector. I am weak and fragile in his arms. He rewards me for all of my hard work, with love and understanding, and he wants to serve me in anyway he possibly can. I cannot speak of something and do it myself because he so much wants to do it all for me. We take care of each other because we are family. I cannot be without my family.

My friend, is my soulmate. We have always had an intelectual connection. He is my best friend. The one person in the world I trust with all of the crazy thoughts that pop into my head. I am not able to have any gaurds around him. I am exposed to him like no one has ever seen me. In his eyes, nothing I do is wrong, because he knows that even when I make mistakes my intentions where always of pure heart. He wants to be my protector. He makes me so happy in everyway. Our bond will never be broken even if we go our separate ways. I know that I would not roll over and die to loose either one of them... physically. But the thought of being with out either... the world spins around me and my heart hurts and... I will not be the same without both of them. I need them.

Will continue my thoughts in a few. I need a break from the emotions for a sec.

MonoVCPHG 09-17-2009 04:57 PM


Originally Posted by Ilove2men (Post 7141)
I hope you don't mind. I think I will think out loud here. Feel free to comment.


Wow...very nice testimony about both of them. Beautifully put.
Unfortunately you'll probably have to get down to the little details when explaining it. The word "sex" and how that is involved will come up. Don't sugar coat your responses if you broach this topic.

I feel for you because I believe you truly love both of them for what they bring to your life.

Ilove2men 09-17-2009 07:14 PM

So I had decided today that I was going to stand my ground on what I feel and not be swayed and accept that they would do the same. So when my friend began texting me I made sure not to bring it up. He started the conversation. We spoke openly and honestly and he said he will be okay with it or rather try it out if my fiance is on board. We had a detailed conversation on the dynamics that we would both want. I asked him if he would want another. And he said that he wants no one else but me on a serious level because he loves only me, but that he may have a fling from time to time, but that he would always tell me and not hide it... which stung me a little but I have to be open... it just... I want love not flings... I basically said, that it is his choice all I ask is it not to be done out of anger or hurt, jealousy or bitterness. Besides, the fling comment the conversation went better than I ever hoped for. We spoke in great detail. No sugar coating... That's how it is with him. I wants the hard truth always. He even talked about how he and my fiance might need a few guy nights first to get to know each other and maybe become a little more comfortable with the situation...

I am in shock right now. I can't believe how great he sounded talking about it. He said there is no way he can be without me and he will do his best to make it work. He is concerned how my fiance will take the news. He told me to go easy on him...

So the next question is... well what are the benefits to my fiance? please input on this one... 1 he will have me back fully back to myself. My heart will no longer be heavy and I can open myself up to him instead of hiding from him. he will get to be in come back to our bed and we can continue to enjoy the life we have built together. He will meet the other most wonderful man in the world and possible gain a wonderful friend and someone to confide in when it comes to me... or anything else for that matter. He will get time away from me to just be him and that with or without my friend is something that he truly needs but he hates not being there to take care of me. when he goes to his friend's he calls often to check on me.. to ask me if I need anything... Which I am always fine... but in his head he is just doing his job. In this situation if they gain each other's trust he will know I am safe and well taken care of and he can truly enjoy and embrace his alone time. That's as far as I've gotten with that one. input please. I know its different in every relationship but everything is really just hypothetical at this point... so feel free to open my eyes to what I may have missed.

So, after I have figured out his benefits... the next question will be...? I'm thinking... How do you even start this convo? I worry that right away he will feel betrayed because I am already in love.... idk ... more help please!

MonoVCPHG 09-17-2009 08:35 PM

OK.... I know I'm getting ahead of myself but you will also need to discuss safe sex with your potential other and your husband. He's mentioned flings and in essence your husband will be sleeping with everyone he does as will you. These are the gritty details of non - monogamy of any kind.

As far as how to broach it... I'm sure others will have insight. There is also a lot of threads on here about that already.

Good luck

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