So, I was tempted to come up with some sort of pun on the phrase "penny for your thoughts" or maybe even the old Penny Dreadfuls, but I figured after a while I'd get tired of the title of my own blog and I'm not feeling particularly clever right now anyhow.
I already told my story, at least the beginning, in detail in my intro thread. There's a link to that post in my signature. I'll just go over it in brief here.
My husband (Thumper) and I have been together for 11 years, married for 3, or something close to that. We have a beautiful 6 year old daughter. I got involved with my boyfriend, T-Rex, about 8 months ago.
It's been an amazing experience. I mean, not that the road has been completely bumpless, but we went into it with openness and honesty, and poly has been such an overwhelmingly positive experience for us, it blows my mind.
Thumper and T-Rex are friends and we have great times together. I am surrounded by affection and, at 42, feel sexier than ever with these two gorgeous guys who treat me so well.
I mean, I cherish my alone time with each of them. In fact, the alone time is essential. But, wow, when they both start lavishing me with sexual attention at the same time, my brain just melts right out of my head.
Thumper is my rock, my island, my ally against the world. We can talk our way through anything together and love each other in a deep, abiding way. And he's sexy as hell.
T-Rex is... different. I'm not sure how, and I see now that I have something to gain from writing about it. I will revisit this in a later post. He's handsome, fun, incredibly easy-going, and also sexy as hell.
Disillusioned asked me some questions in another thread, and I said I'd answer them here. Seems a good enough place to start...
He's interested in swinging, but I need more. I can't get into casual encounters. I mean, I find lots of people attractive, but I need more in order to get to the point where I'd act on it.
I didn't feel a need for another relationship and Thumper is a great lover so I wasn't feeling any lack in the bedroom department. Still, Thumper wasn't comfortable with the idea of having other partners if I wasn't also involved with others. I had no problem intellectually with the idea of being with someone else, but the work involved in a relationship just wasn't worth it to me unless it was with someone who really blew my socks off.
One relationship is enough of a commitment of time and energy. If I was going to actually take a lover, it had to be someone spectacular... like my husband, but different.
T-Rex joined our gaming group (we play tabletop rpgs) via a mutual friend. I was attracted to him immediately, and we all became friends with him (me, Thumper, and the group that is like family to me). He fit right in. I never hid my crush on him from Thumper, who would tease me about it. I flirted with T-Rex who enjoyed it, though I know I made him nervous sometimes.
He says he liked us all so much, he didn't want to screw it up. He's not the sort of guy who would get involved in a cheating situation, and he didn't want to be disrespectful to Thumper by flirting with his wife. He told me he enjoyed our conversations via the internet before then, but they felt rather intimate and he would back away from them after a few exchanges because he started feeling guilty.
I can totally respect that. He's a good guy. I only ever go for the good guys.
Anyhow, after he'd been hanging out with us for about nine months (I don't move very fast... until I do), I suggested him to Thumper as a part of our occasional ongoing discussion of opening our marriage. I got the approval, and Thumper mentioned to the group as a whole that we were opening our marriage, deliberately in front of T-Rex, and asked advice about a girl he was interested in that we all knew.
T-Rex went out of the country for a week on vacation immediately after Thumper made that announcement. I figured it would give him time to think about it.
When he came back, there was a difference in the way he looked at me. I emailed him either the next day or the day after that (I don't remember which). I titled the email "Cards on the table..." and laid it out for him.
We got together that night, both nervous as hell... it was so cute, after my friends went home from gaming while Thumper (who works nights) was at work.
At first we kept it separate, but recently we've been having great fun having threesomes. Thumper is sort of bi, but not attracted to masculine men, and T-Rex is straight. I love it when we all hang out together. I love to cook, and there's something sexy about cooking for two men who are going to bang the daylights out of me later. And we cuddle and watch movies, or I snuggle down between them as they play video games. I love listening to them geek out about anime and gaming. We're such nerds.
I am ecstatically happy with the situation. Seriously. Over the moon.
As TruckerPete says in the title of her blog, this is a lot of work. But DAAAMN, is it worth it!
Lolz, that was a LOT longer than I thought.
Thumper might tl;dr me.
Sorry that has nothing to do with your blog, but it came to mind when you were talking about blog names :)
Good post, congrats :)
SQUEEE!!! My first response! :D
"Penny's in heaven"? :)
Oh this is wonderful! Can't wait to go back and read the rest. Bring on the happy!
The other day Thumper and I were talking about the expense of his life insurance. I was asking if it was really necessary because we're trying to dial back our expenses.
He told me that it made him feel better because he knew I would really not be okay for a while if something happened to him (true) and he wanted to make it easier and make sure I was taken care of.
He added that having T-Rex around made him feel better about that too, because he knew that T-Rex wouldn't abandon me.
Thumper can be really fucking morbid, but that was so very sweet... in a really fucking morbid sort of way.
@TruckerPete: "Penny's in Heaven." Love it! Wish I'd thought of that one.
Thumper doesn't get along with his family really well. His mom is a basket case, loves to manufacture drama, and she runs the family. His sister is pretty much a carbon copy of his mom, and all the guys have been trained to retreat into silence rather than deal with conflict with the women. His brother married a woman much like his mother and sister... she dumped him recently in favor of one of his friends.
Our daughter loves her cousins, and, as she's an only child without much other family, we want to foster her relationship with them as well as with her grandparents on that side, so long as there is no danger that Thumper's mom will damage our girl psychologically.
The whole family is going to a waterpark for the weekend early next month. Thumper doesn't like being around his mother and sister (understatement... and neither do I, for that matter). He has avoided them for years, our daughter being the main reason he has any contact with them at all. Still, we knew the kiddo would love to go and be with her cousins, so, after discussing it, we reluctantly agreed.
Later, contemplating the situation, Thumper says to me, "We could invite T-Rex." (Of course, he used his real name.)
We had a laugh over that, being a bizarre thought... not a way of thinking we had experience with. We're out to our friends and my mom, but not many other people yet. It just hasn't come up yet. We're pretty open, generally, and I'm really uncomfortable with deception or pretending to be something I'm not. We're also really into letting our relationships develop at their own pace, and not trying to make them fit any predefined mold.
So, after a pause, Thumper says, "He would make it more fun. Give us someone to hang out with."
I agreed. We thought about it some more, and I asked Thumper if I should invite him. The idea didn't seem so weird after a little while, and T-Rex is the kind of guy who'd be a BLAST at a waterpark. He has this delightfully whimsical nature and is great at being in the moment.
So, we did, and he accepted. He said it would be an interesting social experiment.
He's going to stay in our hotel room, because it will be more fun that way. We're doing king-sized bed in a room with a couch for the kiddo, hopefully with a fold out bed. She's likely to spend at least one of the two nights with her cousins anyhow, and she's seen us group cuddle before. She's joined us, squeezing in between me and her dad while T-Rex is on the other side of me. She likes T-Rex, and he's good with kids. It's all innocent and familial, no problems there, and we are affectionate but not sexual in front of her.
I'm not worried about the room arrangements, but the thing is that I am accustomed to not hiding my physical affection with T-Rex from anyone. When we go out, I've held hands with both guys at once. We (me and Thumper and me and T-Rex) kiss and hug and are generally lovey dovey.
I should probably curtail this in front of Thumper's family. His mother is a busybody and a nut-job, and certainly not beyond histrionics. Her opinion is extremely unwelcome given the hostile relationship between her and Thumper (and, to a lesser extent, between me and her).
All three of us despise drama.
But it would make me feel extremely uncomfortable to treat T-Rex like a dirty little secret and to act in a manner that is unnatural to me. I've got half a mind to damn the torpedoes and just act however comes naturally.
I have not yet discussed this with the guys. Thumper will read this and know a conversation is impending. His attitude is probably similar to mine. T-Rex is super easy-going, but may lean on the conservative side, not wanting to make waves or cause drama.
I can't say for sure though, that would be presumptuous, which is why conversation is necessary. If anyone has input, I'd love to hear it.
I gotta run. I'd write more on this, but I get to teach my daughter's class about the solar system today, which I'm really excited about, and I need to prepare a bit more.
Take the middle ground?
You could, if asked directly by a busybody, tell them that T-Rex is your boyfriend, but refrain from being overtly physical.
You're in a public place, so the amount of loud drama would be limited.
And if you're not asked, well, the family will have already met him and he has a chance to make a good impression on them before they do find out.
If I were a busybody, I think I would wonder who exactly this "single", adult male was. If he's good with kids, be very careful that the family doesn't get even worse ideas into their heads. (I'd say I'm paranoid, but that did happen to RedPepper and Mono, and actually precipitated their coming out.)
Yeah, I read about what happened to Redpepper and Mono. I thought about that, but I'm thinking about it harder now that you brought it up.
Thumper read this and told me I should act as comes naturally to me. I'm not much of one for public grab-assery, but I like to touch and hold hands and show other forms of physical affection on a pretty frequent basis. Thumper and I always touch each other, rest our heads on each other's shoulders, that sort of thing. T-Rex and I are the same way. That's how I am with my daughter, too, actually.
I'm not a touchy-feely person... except with them.
Of course, if I made it clear by my actions that I am the one T-Rex is interested in sexually, that would help prevent a situation like that with Mono and Redpepper. If Thumper is present and demonstrates his friendship with T-Rex and his approval of him as a partner for me, then he won't look like some poor schmuck whose wife is slutting around on him.
So, there's benefit to all of us acting like we usually do.
I suck at pretending. It makes me ill at ease and feels disrespectful to both men. If either wants me to, that's a different story. T-Rex is not out to his family about me, but his mom is Catholic and they all live out of state. I don't think he's had to lie about it or anything.
It makes me feel weird that he's deliberately keeping it quiet, but he sees it as a private matter and not one having any effect on day to day life. He would have to make a point of bringing it up.
I know that if there were a good reason to, T-Rex would deal with the fall out from owning up to our relationship to his family. I have great confidence in the strength of his character. As it makes it easier for him not to, I let it go. He is very fond of his mother, and I think he'd rather spare her the stress.
We don't see Thumper's family often. I have no idea how they would respond. His mom can be a bit of a crazy bitch, but Thumper has broken off all contact with her for stretches spanning years. She may know that she can't push him. I'm pretty sure he'd tell her to shut the fuck up if he had to.
In fact, it's likely that part of him would relish the opportunity. Still, I don't want our little girl exposed to arguments like that. She has what may be an anxiety disorder related to a number of losses and deaths in the family when she was a toddler.
She comes first, always.
Thanks. The dialogue is really helping me clarify things in my head. Being in the situation may prove different than talking or thinking about it, but I am a big fan of internal consistency and understanding my own motives and point of view. I will be able to act from a solid place, rather than trying to figure things out that I should already know.
Our friends are coming over to game tonight. T-Rex usually stays after for sexy times. I'll probably bring this up, though only in brief, so he knows my thoughts.
Thumper is pretty dyslexic, otherwise he'd be posting here too. It takes him a lot of work to write, whereas I just sit down and volumes flow out of my fingertips.
I got to teach my daughter's first grade class about the solar system today. It was pretty awesome. I had animations and a virtual fly-through set up on the interactive whiteboard. The kids were really into it.
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