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-   -   learning to communicate (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7835)

curiouslez 03-16-2011 11:14 AM

learning to communicate
Communication has never really been an issue for me.
The issue has been more of me communicating face-to-face as opposed to email.
Although I will admit that I am discovering that I have fears of being "too" open or "too" honest and that it will scare people away.

But for the first time I am starting to feel comfortable with my flaws, my "baggage," my fears, my scars, etc. enough that I am wanting to sort them out so to speak. On my own though, which is good! Even though I have this amazing woman in my life and I am in the middle of trying to seek out others, I have this amazing strength. BUT a new challenge for me has come up:

This girl and I, (I'll call her A) A and I have grown very close and she has been amazingly helpful and supportive through alot of things with me. But as of late I've been feeling... kind of, neglected. I'm not sure what the exact word is I am looking for. Her and I have been "sexual" quite a few times in the last month or so, but not intimate. I know I am someone that needs to have cuddle time and that intimacy along with the sexual play to keep things balanced. I think most people are like that, but I don't know if that's just a stereotype. Not sure. But I know I am.
Also, things are a bit uneven between us and it's starting to get to me. I know her friends and family, she doesn't know mine. I go to her house often, she's never been to mine. I know that she wants to and there have been legitimate reasons why it hasn't worked in the past, but, it's coming to point where it needs to happen soon.
Is this unreasonable? I don't think it is.

I just want to make sure I express these issues in a healthy and clear manner. Also without the use of email lol. I was a little bit embarrassed about the idea of bringing a notepad with notes when talking about it but now I know it will do me and us better if I do. I have an 'eh memory and I'm not used to solving issues face-to-face.

So, any suggestions on what to do/say or what not to do/say???
Does this all seem reasonable??

Any/all advice!

Thank you!

Magdlyn 03-16-2011 12:42 PM

Actually, writing emails is a really great way to make your feelings known, if you get embarrassed or bogged down with overwhelming emotions in face-to-face talks. As you get more comfortable with being open and honest, it will get easier to have real life conversations about difficult topics.

My gf's therapist often expresses amazement at the ability my gf and I have to address difficult topics, but then, I've been trained in non-violent communication, and had lots of practice in it, in my career, and in having raised 3 kids to adulthood with Gentle Parenting (mutual respect, responsive listening, etc).

redpepper 03-16-2011 05:33 PM

I tend to write an email first about the topic of discission and then talk about it also just to clarify that the person understood me and so I can see their body language. Its necessary for me to do this so I can gain confidence in communicating with the person and so we can both get used to talking about issues together.

If you do a search for "communication" and/or lookat the stickies you will find more on communication. I also suggest doing a general search on the net for NVC. Very useful coimmunication style. Its changed my life using the techneques.

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