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-   -   in an open V - hasn't been easy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7808)

mattw1970 03-15-2011 08:01 PM

in an open V - hasn't been easy
Im new to the poly way of living or at least new to realizing that I am not capable of ethical monogamy in the long haul so here I am.

Im in my first relationship where I identified myself as poly to the other person and at first she was worried and im sure at times still is but we are working on it. We have been together for a little over a year. We will call her K.

I am basically a poly mono at the time as I only have one mate. She is bi and recently through a poly meetup she met someone who we will calll ' A' that she liked and the feeling was mutual. A pretty much identifies as lesbian and they have been dating for a few weeks now.

It's been rough for me at times. Ive been the one who was all for it and told her that its ok and I wont get jealous and im so happy for her. Well I am very happy for her and I like 'A" ALOT but yeah I get a little hurt and jealous and selfish from time to time and sometimes feel myself wanting to keep K for myself.

Also the whole fact that she is lesbian has been a little bit of a strain for me. See when A drinks she can become a little freer with her sexuality, she still doesnt find men sexually attractive but it doesnt bother her to be around a man naked and some touching etc going on. Yes it has lead to a couple threesomes with the 3 of us. They have been very awkward for me to say the least. Not to mention that she's Dom as am I and K is very submissive. So it has lead to some unwanted power play issues in the bedroom. Nothing severe but enough to bother me.

Ive talked to both of them about it and I guess it will be put upon me to say no more threesomes with them but then I feel it takes away from some intimate time that K and I share.

So yeah my head and my heart are doing flip flops right now. Is this normal and will things settle down once K and A's NRE settles down ?

Like I said its all new and very confusing/ frustrating at times. I love K and I like A as I said ( she is a sweetheart and is becoming a good friend) so its not about that.

HELP or thoughts ?!

redpepper 03-17-2011 05:26 AM


Originally Posted by mattw1970 (Post 71141)
Ive talked to both of them about it and I guess it will be put upon me to say no more threesomes with them but then I feel it takes away from some intimate time that K and I share
Is this normal and will things settle down once K and A's NRE settles down ?

Yes I think I would end the threesomes... your partner might be disappointed, but it sounds like you are not getting out of it what you would like and they are actually causing more strain than fun times. Ya, I would say that is done for now...

If you feel this new partner cuts into your time with your partner then its time to sit and negotiate some boundaries around time together. Maybe it's time to plan your weeks out a bit better so that time is managed more effectively. This new person could have certain times and days and you could have others. You could keep it flexible in case events come up that you or this other woman want to go on, but other than that you can all rely on your time with your partner.

It's also important to schedule time all three of you spend together too. Keeping those bonds strong is important when the time comes to deal with some hard communication or when something happens and you are all needed to pitch in to help out.

The sex will die down and the NRE will settle in time... it can take up to a year or more. Sex kind of blinds what the real relationship is like for a time as does the rose coloured glasses one wears when a new lover is nothing but "perfect" in ones eyes... It is a wise thing to remember, I think, that your partner is going through NRE. You might save yourself some stress by light heartedly laughing at her in a loving way and appreciating her glee in this new relationship (compersion)... taking a breath and letting it go can work wonders in terms of NRE if you can do that... once you have some boundaries that work for everyone, then sit back, do your own thing and let them have their fun... without you being in the bedroom with them ;)

BlackUnicorn 03-17-2011 11:21 AM

Hullo and welcome!

I trust you have brought up the issue of A's sexually ambiguous behavior while intoxicated with her? It might be she doesn't realize it's bothering you or that she fully well realizes and likes to play with it. The threesomes seem to lead to (or be a result of) an unhealthy power balance/struggle in your vee and thus I agree, would be wise to be put on hold until you figure this thing out.

mattw1970 03-17-2011 01:01 PM

thank you
Thanks both for your thoughts and comments! I have spoken to K openly about my struggles and she understands and is sympathetic to my feelings.

We are all in the process of trying to set up a schedule that everyone can feel safe and comfortable with. I come from past relationships where open communication never seemed to be valued as much so this is all new to me.

Im already learning early on how important honesty, integrity and open communication truly are in a poly setting and I do feel the three of us are striving for that.

I will comment more later!

Thank you!

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